Elizebeth Turnquist

I find people exhausting

Not dislike, genuine fatigue

How to cultivate friendship

When I have chronic illness

The best types of friends

Are not demanding

Don’t have expectations

My whole life is planned

My body doesn’t cooperate

So I don’t get to be free wheeling

They say friends should be fun

But I’m not fun

Can’t even always be supportive

Because I can’t always be present

So I’m a loner out of necessity

And I don’t fight for more

Everyday is already a battle

Don’t need to lament

what I’ve never had.

My stroke stole many things

Took one side of my smile

Weakened my hand and my leg

Trapped me in bed

But it didn’t leave me angry

Didnt take away my smarts

My job let me back

I’m lucky compared to most

It gave me a visit to the hospital

Which solved my blood presure

Something my primary failed at

And gave an unquestionable diagnosis.

America emploment is at-will

Meaning we are disposable

The social contract of work

Is that workers are exploited

It’s an unwritten expectation

That the employer steals

While the employee struggles

As a disabled worker

We can’t exist that way

We don’t have extra to give

Our counterparts are exploited

And we flail in desperation

So those in power find loopholes

Because they can’t exploit us

They try to get rid of us

Our fighting disturbs the norm

They let us go in retaliation.

One finger pointing out

Four fingers pointing in

Each of us is an other

When seen from afar

My normal is strange

To people not like me

The distance is familiar

In how similar we are

I don’t hate different

I’m curious to its novelty

I’m eager for its unique

My mind is open, if no harm.

This world kinda sucks

If you are smart enough

You may know the details how

And it’s all kinda depressing

Were told it’s ethical to make change

We’re supposed to fight the system

But to live in this world

We have to survive the system

Sometimes small confort is our win

Sometime dissociation is survival

I’m not going to hate myself for existing

Or feel bad for living in this awful world.

Sometimes existing is painful

And there is no rhyme or reason

There is no logic that can fix it

Those of us who survive the pain

Do so by living through it

Those who try to solve us

Make us feel worse

Because we end up comforting

Their disturbed sensibilities

Instead of just being honest

That life can be painful.

What I learned in my activism

If you treat workers well

It’s easy to accomidate disabled employees

But therein lies the problem

Asking compassion of the powerful

Is a kind of cognitive dissonance

Since power not only corrupts

Power is addictive and delusional

And the social contract of power

Is to exploit workers.

I didn’t have a father

To shame me into being a lady

I didn’t have a brother

To make me sympathize

I only had women

To show me how to exist

And they were strong

More influential than patriarchy

They didn’t make excuses for men

Boys will only be boys

If we let them get away with it

Girls have all the same rights

When we demand them

I know better than to believe

My gender makes me less than.

I can hate my oppressors

They might not like it

They probably won’t understand

But that is by design

Power doesn’t want to lose

But there is no reverse sexism

There is no gender war

Women are seeking equanimity

We are taking back our power

You can’t steal what was taken

I don’t hate a gender

I hate a power imbalance

I hate the willfully ignorant

Who want to continue to harm.

It’s not my job to improve you

You can go on your own journey

I’m not interested in changing you

If you want to be better, then do that

But don’t expect me to mold you

Self improvement comes from self

I can’t force you to change

True change is from within

Only you can change you

I either need to accept you

Or be ready to let you go

Either option works for me

I may stick around for now

Only up until you are insufferable

Life has no guarantee and that includes me.

Your judgement is yours to keep

I don’t need to act like you deem

And if fighting is the standard

I defy it with my choices

You may think it’s strong to fight

You may think battle is necessary

You may think you know best

I’m happy to defy your expectations

I get to choose my battles

I get to decide what I need

Sometimes my survival is passive

Comfort can be a part of survival

Just because I could doesn’t mean I will

If you think that is “weak sauce”

I will own my weak sauce.

I’d rather be supported in quiet rooms

If you employ me

Don’t mention my health

Even if I speak about it

Don’t ask about progress

Don’t suggest treatment

I can share as much as I want

That doesn’t give you permission

Yes, this dynamic isn’t fair

Because I live in a broken body

And you have power over me

If you feel silenced by me

It’s because of the beeswax

The fact that it isn’t yours

But also it’s the law.

I wasn’t raised to be better

I don’t want to spend my life in bed

This isn’t something I choose

You hear about being in bed

And not having to work

And you feel a moment of envy

But what you want is a vacation

You could use a break and a nap

You want to escape explotation

Because capitolism isn’t fair

But disability isn’t better

Not working means poverty

It means isolation and struggle

You don’t envy chronic illness

You don’t understand not having choices

You can push through a cold

And not end up in pneumonia

You don’t want these deficits

You want a nap and a vacation.

“Don’t make it your personality”

I’m trying not to blame you

For not understanding me

I try to provide metaphors

To explain lived experience

Of life with chronic illness

Because my simple words

Are dismissed as complaints

As if we all have the same life

But we are not the same

When I speak of fatigue

I’m not talking about needing sleep

I’m talking about a lack of recovery

I’m talking about limited energy

That sleep doesn’t refresh

You translate this into your experience

That life is tiring and overwhelming

You belittle through ignorance

I don’t have the energy

To waste being mad at you.

Fighting for our needs

Should be ridiculous

Instead it’s common place

Necessity is monitized

Needs are considered priveledge

A priveledge with a pricetag

Capitalist make money off needs

A rare few get to be comfortable

The rest of us must fight

The struggle becomes expected

Strength becomes required

Life is treated as a battle

And not everyone gets to live.

Individuals can be kind

But put them is a group

And they become a gang

Groupthink brings out the worst

Petty behavior becomes standard

Hating on outsiders is the norm

When in plural, people are bad

And the desire to join in

Can make the best person less so

In plural, people are mean.

I don’t want any person to die

But capitolism emboldens preditors

At what point do I get to see them

Seperate like they see us

As I am prey in the world of money

Should I wish long life on my hunters

Should I give them grace

I’m the face of my servitude

Or can I forgive myself

For wanting monsters to die

For valid anger at exploitation

I try to forgive my petty thoughts

I don’t want them to die

But I do want to remove their power.

For those who don’t have it

Health is not our friend

It isn’t even an enemy

More like an estranged relative

Judgemental and unkind

Judging us on some standard

That we can’t fulfill

Making us feel small

Tricking us into believing

That everyone else is fine

We’re the painful exception

A sore thumb

In a world of thriving fingers.

Most of life is morally neutral

Choosing not to see

The law doesn’t stop discrimination

The letter of the law

Requires reasonable doubt

Hidden things aren’t always provable.

I know better than to trust a man

Particularly a cis white one

They’re used to their priveledge

Their reality is an echo chamber

They expect to be deferred to

They want me to be a good girl

While my nature is iconoclast

They want to fight and win

While I want to survive

I avoid, not looking to confront

I don’t have to engage

Under rules they define

My defiance is silent

My rebellion is on my terms.

I must remove the colonial in me

Must remove misogyny

Don’t want to act like a man

As men are predatory

They choose to ignore priveledge

I’d have to be a bully to fit in

And dismiss delicacy as a joke

I don’t want to be a man

Or to have men’s rights

I want to be a woman

With my own rights

I want all people to be equal

I want priveledge removed

So I must start with myself

Removed priveledge requires loss

In the form of giving back.

They didn’t ask about my insomnia

Sleepless three days after my stroke

They wake you every 4 hours

And don’t close the doors

They asked about food preferences

But couldn’t answer my questions

And kept bringing me food I couldn’t eat

Because I have food allergies

But since it wasn’t anaphylaxis

They didn’t care if I shit my pants

While trapped in a bed after my stroke

They were anoyed when I spoke up

So no sleep and not enough food

Three days after a stroke

In transfer they messed up my meds

So I was in pain all the next night

Sent entertainment director for complaints

I wasn’t looking for attention

They just couldn’t fix my issues

Their system was broken

And I had the audacity to point it out.

I don’t understand your lack of pain

They speak in platitudes

You can’t defeat a bully on their terms

Most days I don’t hate people

Would you like to be spoken over

I’m not a winner
my hard work hasn’t lead
to some great reward
I’m just getting by

I haven’t been blessed
by easy chances or ready success
I’m very aware that life is hard

I don’t have lots of friends
and I’m not easy to know
popularity isn’t something I have
or even something I strive for

I’m terrible at meeting new people
experience has taught me that only a few
won’t blanch when they see the real me

I’m not a pretty girl
you could call me big or bold
but never dainty, graceful, or serene

I’m stuborn and prideful
I might know how to play the game
but I can’t stomach it
so I sit on the sidelines

I won’t give everything
so that everyone will like me
I’d rather like myself

Maybe I am to be pittied
I don’t have that much
just my self respect
people I’d trust with my life
and a passion that drives me

measured against the world
I’m not a winner
some might even go so far
as to call me a loser
but at least I’m a happy loser
instead of a depressed sucess.

Polite society is ridiculous

Don’t talk to me about bootstraps

This is harder than it sounds

Work is presented as not plesant

The social contract doesn’t suggest joy

Work is a pain we must endure

But life is too short to hate

You give a job so much time