not trying to blend

What if I am cringy

A background player

That everyone laughs at

Self aware that I dont fit in

But also comfortable in myself

And that confidence shines through

Because I don't hate myself

I'd rather embrace my awkward

Than chase someone else's ideal 

And maybe some people mock me

But that tells me who they are

It doesn't affect who I choose to be.

not dying today

My symptoms aren't acute

They're persistent and uncomfortable 

Just not urgent or life threatening

I have treatements that work

Not a cure but a way to manage

And succesfull lifestyle changes

That make my symptoms less

But you can't call me healthy

I live with symptoms everyday

I'm surviving, not thriving

Some days are less pain 

But I can't imagine pain free

Inot well but I'm also not dying today.

not a brave face

In a culture where tough is praised

And showing pain is weak

Then I'm considered a whiner

Because sometimes I name it

Instead of living in painful silence

I defy loneliness and issolation

Take comfort from those around me

By bravely sharing my vulnerability

Admitting that living sometimes hurts

Speaking up can't remove pain

But it can make it more bearable.

not about you

My house is my comfort

It should fit my needs

I keep it up to my standards

I don't clean for guests

I live in my body

My asthetic is for me

And clothe it as I please

I don't dress for strangers

My behavior is my choice

My choices may not work for you

I have to live with my consequences

And I don't require your approval

Sometimes my actions effect you

And that is when you get to care

But I still keep these boundaries 

My life choices don't disrespect you.

decenter

Why do you center yourself

Speaking for us but not to us

Give me back my words

Don't talk about me or for me

Your ignorance is quickly seen

But only by those in the know

You try to gatekeep what I say

Make up words to avoid what I am

My learned experience rings true

Even when you suppress my story.

living my truth

I'm not willing to lie anymore

They like me hiding the real me

It allowed them to be comfortable

But it made me feel worse

You don't want to hear about my day

Because my day involves pain

You don't want to hear what I feel

My good attitude is back lit by pain

If the real me was hateful

Then maybe I'd understand

But this is about social discomfort

This is about disturbing truth

I'm outspoken but introverted

I'm employed and disabled 

I'm authentic with mental illness

I'm not looking to fit your mold.

wife left in the hospital

In sickness and in health they say

But it's often a one sided promise

We all agree boys run away 

Eager to escape emotional burden

But men are no better at sticking it out

When a woman needs support

Men feel they're in the right to leave

If a woman can't serve her role

Husbands don't stay to be caregivers

If a wife becomes a burden

Chronic illness is a dealbreaker.

skewed by suspicion

Why do you have expectations

Of how health should look or act

You don't live in my symptoms

Health isn't linear and we aren't twins

 

Who taught you to doubt me

To question a wheelchair or cane

Eager to catch me in the act

Of some malingering performance 

Why am I guilty until proven innocent

Your view is skewed by suspicion

Outright assuming I must be lying

Making it up to gain attention

Who wants to living in this picture

Putting on a long con for strangers 

Getting all this negative attention

Living outside socially acceptable

Why do you think you are special 

That I'm makings it up for you

That you know the ultimate truth

That you know me better than me.

Medicine exists for healthy people

Doctors goal is to get people healthy

So when faced with chronic illness

A complicated patient they can't fix

Once their diagnosis is complete

And they've handed out treatment

Even if the symptoms are still present

They wash their hands of us

Doctors aren't here for wholistic care

Few are excited by a long term puzzle

The puzzle of confusing symptoms

And rounds of inconclusive tests

They default to psychosomatic 

They outsource the care of emotion

That is the role of a psychiatrist 

Doctors want to conquer health

Not hear a frustrated patient

With never ending symptoms

They want to be the hero

But after multiple appointments 

It's easier to label malaise

Than admit their failure.

not up or down

My morality isn't vertical

You are not better than me 

And I am not better than you

We are both worthy

And no one is undeserving

No onehad to tell me this

I was born knowing it

My ethics are horizontal.

crazy cat lady

In a roundabout way

I traded my married life

For the title crazy cat lady

The traditional role

Was sold as happiness

But didn't give me security 

So understand,  I don't regret 

Giving up my faithless husband

As marraige was no guarantee

I am more myself

Thriving as a spinster

Because I didn't give up on me.

only the old and sick die

A global pandemic comes

And the takeaway is eugenics

Long as the masses can survive

It's okay for the old and sick to die

The public prefers simple comfort

Don't want to hear downer statistics

Don't want a mask or a vaccine

Sure, you might get long covid

You might kill your family or friends

But a party is worth the gamble

Mass spreader events are more fun.

external judgement

Carrying around all that judgment

It has to be a weighty burden

So much to disapprove and disdain 

Must be a heavy arsenal to bear

I'm sorry the dagger in your eyes

Bounce off of my lack of caring

Hate leaking from your gaze

Will never be able to touch me

Because I'm not invested in you

The same as you're effected by me.

quiet quit is my baseline

The way they exploit you

Is the reason they won't hire me

When you work all those unpaid hours

When you give above and beyond

I can't live up to that expectation

You hustle to get a possible raise

I'm struggling to give what's required

You network with all the right people

I stand out because of my limitations

Exploitation isn't fair to either of us

Our worth isn't in dollars and cents

You can quiet quit and still have a job

I'm lucky they're not looking for cause

I wish you would act your wage.

approval after the fact

If you hear my story

And then you feel for me

Where was your compassion

When you saw me as the villain?

Why do I have to explain

That life is hard and traumatic

For you to try and understand me

What does that say about you?

If you think strange is awful

And difference is unacceptable 

You are always going to judge me

You will still want to change me

If I haven't hurt you

And I'm not out to harm you

Then I'm not the one who's wrong

My compassion isn't conditional.

burnt flavor

Idle lips seek my ears

An exchange of vicious banter

Cringe isn't just in what you do

It's also in what you splatter

I avoid the burnt flavor you bring

As you season the world bitter

I can seek a sweeter taste

Avoid the twisted taste you deliver

Your art can be a saucy critique 

A smug feeling that you're better

While I enjoy my grateful life

Writen in a complimentary letter.

resigned to pride

My frenemy, disability

This is my uninvited guest

A squatter in my body

My long term companion

It can come at any time

And no one is safe

You may not know it's there

And it's rarely predictable

Nearly impossible to get rid of

Even making it behave is a struggle

So we adjust where we can

An suffer through the rest

Yes I've come to accept it

I'm even proud I love with it

But that doesn't mean I like it

Or that anyone else should want it.

not the real you

I don't know you

Because you don't want me to

You hide away the real you

Behind what others expect

Your performance is perfected 

The person you think I want

You were trained well to hide

But I can see your walls are up

It's not for lack of my trying 

Showing an active interest

Grilling you like an interview 

Trying to coax you out

You're not evading my disdain

If you were to be real with me

It'd be no different than now

I definitely don't like the fake you.

mythical money monster

How can you have a billion dollars

And still claim to be human

You are more a mythical creature

Hoarding multiple lifetimes of money

Trading our lives as commodities 

They say absolute power corrupts 

It's cliche how you prove this true

You con us to do more for less

Rent us property on stollen land

Charge extra for our necessities

Trade our livelihood like collectibles 

You wear our skin, looking like us,

As you disconnect yourself from us

You can't own us if you know our pain

As you desensitize yourself from us

You don't feel compassion as you win

Being a billionaire isn't ethical

My words punch up at your morality

You make yourself seperate from us

Hoarding a mountain of gold, a throne,

A dragon kills with its breath

Like a billionaire steals without effort

Your mythic existence exploits us.

replace guns with therapy

Mass murderers are mostly men

They use guns to speak their feelings

Anger being the feeling they're allowed

They take out their disapointment

Their frustration and resentment

Punishing the world as they leave it

Destroying any chance of escape

In an act of violent suicide.

accessibility for all

What if we had equanimity

And accessibility was for all

What if cost was never an argument

We got what we need to do our job

What if productivity was not a value

And they forced us to self care

What if they prioritized our life

And made space for workers needs

What if they didn't make us compete 

And they created a spot for anyone

What if they saw us as irreplaceable 

They were eager to keep us around

What if they saw us as people first

Not dollars and cents on a bottom line

What if we could exist without them

So they never got to exploit us

What if these weren't "what if's"

They were rights instead of wishes.

Self Advocate

You call me an armchair expert

I call me a patient advocate

My persistent research

And being active in my care

Is my superpower, not a fault

You have years of education

But I'm an expert on my body

I know what I'm feeling

My medical history is memory

I don't get to ignore my symptoms

You can run standard tests

And give up if they fail

You can tell me nothings wrong

But your failure to diagnose 

Doesn't change things for me

So let's agree to disagree

When you decide dismiss me

Even if you've given up

I still live in this body

This puzzle comes with me.

why the questions?

What does disability look like?

What does a faker look like?

Why are you so suspicious?

Why is your nose in my business?

Why do you demand an explination?

What is the value of your judgement?

Who said I care what you think?

Who made you think you know me?

Why am I even talking to you?

the price of mental health

Remeber that permanent record

The lie parents told us in school

Well your medical record is real

And it will follow you in life

In order for a therapist to treat

Insurance requires a diagnosis

Therapists put down an answer

An answer from one appointment

True or not, the diagnosis is on record

And medicine perscribed on record

A medical record that goes with you

And when your general physician sees 

If any symptom can be psycological

It can trigger them to dismiss you

Because you're labeled mentally ill

The price of seeking mental wellness

Is more that the cost of insurance 

It can be the curse of medical bias.

don't know what they think

I'm battling a false ghost

Telling myself horror stories 

My perception of their perception

An apparition of my own making

Writing dialog of what they think

Inserting my worst thoughts in them

Pulling preconceptions from the world

Imagining them as monstrous 

Behind their mask of silence

Believing they judge me

When I have no proof

If only I could stop

My preconception.

Aging into disability

Most people become disabled

I don't mean it as a threat

It's just an unavoidable fact

Inevitably we all get old

And old comes with more sick

And medicine can keep us alive

But treatement isn't always a cure

So most of us age into disability

Life goes on when we aren't young

We can survive without perfect health

We can live a life not able-bodied

And the wisdom I'd like to offer y'all

If you notice a person with a disability

Is that we all end up there eventually.

no longer desired

As a girl I was susceptible 

The promise of princess fantasy 

Of a man to take care of me

I romanticized my gender role

My young mind rejected the dour

What my elder women said

A prediction I would regret

A promise that girlishness is fleeting

I don't choose to resent my youth

As I lapped up the male gaze

As I took care of my man

As I believed in forever

No, I wont condemn my child self

For falling prey to tainted fruit

It's men that saw an expiration date

That thought me better compliant 

I prefer to be angry at them

Resentful at their dismissal

As I aged out of male desire

Age gave me the person I want to be.

respectful, not patronizing

I don't need to tell someone

That I don't believe what they do

If that belief isn't harming me

And it isn't an act of intimacy

 

I aim for compassion and respect

And sometimes that means agnostic

If they find comfort in their belief

Why would I challenge that worldview

Long as they aren't pushing it on me

I don't need to tout my skepticis

By explaining their belief to them

Because belief doesn't work for me.

at least some men

I'm not looking to date a man

Or invest into some grown boy

Go ahead and call it man hate

But it's really self-preservation

Searching for an exception to all men

Means we have to roll the dice

Invite the risk of real trauma

The feminist in me is repelled 

I would consider gender fluid

Or some sort of non-binary

But even then I'm doubtful

My new romantic ideal is a rebel

Rejecting gender expectations 

Eager for reversal of roles

Someone who wants to know me

And all my wierd and flawed.

abled accommodation

If you're able bodied

You receive accommodation

You just don't know it

Those of us disabled

Present ourselves as palatable

Our silence is accommodation 

We edit out the uncomfortable parts

Hiding the differences we can

You don't have our lived experience 

And always explaining is exhausting

Our patience is an accommodation

Not asking or expecting too much

Putting up with nosy questions

Excusing the demands of explanation

Accepting that compassion is rare

Even being open is an accommodation

We put ourselves at risk of disgust

Seen as entertainment or a curiosity

Treated like an inspiration, an infant

And not the expert of our own story

So we accommodate the world

We make due with what we have

We certainly don't expect better

Expectation leads to disappointment

And fair treatment is rare to find.

peace for me

Actuary tables don't see my worth

They see an unimportant complainer

At what point am I flailing madly

Suffering my sanity to a fruitless fight

How much life am I losing

Fighting a system that ignores me

My everyday has always suffered

The burden of my ill health

So you might understand

How I value the time I gain

Embracing peace over a battle

I already lost the genetic lottery

Not choosing a war against medicine.

no longer baby making machine

My nether parts stopped working

They gave upon their own

Didn't have to convince a doctor

Or get any man on board

Retired from procreation

I aged out of the assembly line

No more questioning my choice

Or urging my submission

No chance I'll ever be a mamma

I've gone men-on-pause. 

the lie of inadequacy

Sold a bill of goods

They say I'm imperfect

They promise a cure

If I buy this product 

I will surely get better

But it's a never ending loop

A plate of false promises

A goal out of reach

Self hatred, doubt, and shame

That is what they taught me

While I aim for the goal of better

Another dollar spent to be perfect

But it's mirrors and snake oil

They have no fix for my broken

They made up the lie that I'm broken.

Support from the sideline

Your voice has power

Speaking with the best of intentions

But if you are not one of us

Don't speak for us

You are easier to see

Your existence isn't challenging

But they need to feel that discomfort

They need to put eyes on us

You are easier to hear

Because your voice is palatable 

You don't mean to hide our voice

We need them to hear from us

It isn't easy sitting on the sidelines

Passively supporting our protest

But that what we need from you

Step asside and let us shine.

considered expendable

Not considered in strategy

Our lives considered less worthy

Forgotten during a tragedy

Not as valuable as healthy

Left behind in an emergency

Inconvenient to protect my safety 

Don't tell me you honor my disability

When you risk my life so freely

Acceptable loss for the community 

A burden discarded for the many.

capitalism isn't romantic

There is a false narrative

That hard work will win

That poverty is by choice

That productivity is a moral good

That you can defy statistics 

That classism doesn't exist

That people aren't biased

And that anyone can be on the top

But the truth isn't romantic

Life is more important than work

There are things we can't control

Most of us aren't exceptional

The wealthy benefit from the poor

The system keeps you in your place

And work isn't why you are valuable.

nothing special about my needs

Don't squirm away

From language you don't like

Convincing yourself it's right

To paint me in a different light

You can't fix what's wrong

By giving it another name

And when you demand I conform

When you tell me what to say

Those words are not for me

Maybe you feel powerful and safe

With a new set of terms

But your euphemism is in the way

Of my hard-won identity

I don't let you gatekeep 

What I choose to describe me.

getting along at work

Mental illness doesn't fit in

Sometimes a subtle odd behavior

Is enough to be labeled an outsider

Bias others against your favor

Work expects us to be the same

And to become a part of the team

Meaning acceptance from others

We are graded on belonging

Skills and productivity are the goal

But neither guarantee retention

If you can't find a way to blend

Work will seek someone better.

what you can do

Venting to vent doesn't work

If you want steam to subside

Remove flame, water, or pressure

Only you can alter your reaction

When fighting fire with fire

You lead to a bigger fire

You are likely to burn yourself

Be willing to give up the flame

If you never replenish the water

The water will dissipate 

You burn the bottom of the pan

Lack of action has consequence

If you decide to ignore it

By plugging up the steam

Eventually it will explode

Take action now, not later

You want to make it stop

You have to change the system

You have to decide to do different

You have the power to change.

suffocating lies

Your lies hurt me

Like a slow growing mold

Hidden in the walls of my house

Maybe you think you are saving us

From the harm of conflict

But I know something is not right

The dank smell of what's unsaid

Chokes me as I try to breathe

Maybe you're protecting yourself

From the sting of my disappointment 

But you're infecting our world

I'm woozy from the inconsistancy

Think of how nice an open door is

Sharing vulnerability is a calm breeze

Give me a chance to forgive you

Instead suffocating in shame.

your ugly is showing

It's hard to see you

Going back to your life

As if the world is normal

While a pandemic is thriving

We don't need those old Ugly Laws

To force us undesirables inside

All we need is your disinterest  

And a mass disabling event

So I wear my mask and stay inside

While you celebrate a return to life

An hope I never meet that fated day

When your disinterest will infect me.

unreliable

Despite my best intentions

All my effort to be organized

My body is unreliable

You can't count on me

Never know when my health will fail

Or when I won't remember detail

Can't say what days I won't be present

Or predict how many hours I can offer

If there were a habit I could cultivate 

I've spent a lifetime searching for it

I do the best with what I'm given

And aim to be as reliable as I can.

keeping it to myself

If I share my discomfort

With someone unfamiliar

Then I end up comforting them

Because their uncomfortable

They can say terrible things

Like, "I'd die if I were you."

I'm burdened with educating them

That may people live like I do

It's easier to fib with, "I'm good."

Than to convince them, "I'm fine."

I've learned to survive and accept

My flawed body and mind.