Monday, November 27, 2023

not trying to blend

What if I am cringy
A background player
That everyone laughs at
Self aware that I dont fit in
But also comfortable in myself
And that confidence shines through
Because I don't hate myself
I'd rather embrace my awkward
Than chase someone else's ideal 
And maybe some people mock me
But that tells me who they are
It doesn't affect who I choose to be.

Monday, November 20, 2023

not dying today

My symptoms aren't acute
They're persistent and uncomfortable 
Just not urgent or life threatening
I have treatements that work
Not a cure but a way to manage
And succesfull lifestyle changes
That make my symptoms less
But you can't call me healthy
I live with symptoms everyday
I'm surviving, not thriving
Some days are less pain 
But I can't imagine pain free
Inot well but I'm also not dying today.

Monday, November 13, 2023

not a brave face

In a culture where tough is praised
And showing pain is weak
Then I'm considered a whiner
Because sometimes I name it
Instead of living in painful silence
I defy loneliness and issolation
Take comfort from those around me
By bravely sharing my vulnerability
Admitting that living sometimes hurts
Speaking up can't remove pain
But it can make it more bearable.

Monday, November 6, 2023

not about you

My house is my comfort
It should fit my needs
I keep it up to my standards
I don't clean for guests

I live in my body
My asthetic is for me
And clothe it as I please
I don't dress for strangers

My behavior is my choice
My choices may not work for you
I have to live with my consequences
And I don't require your approval

Sometimes my actions effect you
And that is when you get to care
But I still keep these boundaries 
My life choices don't disrespect you.

Monday, October 30, 2023


Why do you center yourself
Speaking for us but not to us
Give me back my words
Don't talk about me or for me
Your ignorance is quickly seen
But only by those in the know
You try to gatekeep what I say
Make up words to avoid what I am
My learned experience rings true
Even when you suppress my story.

Monday, October 23, 2023

living my truth

I'm not willing to lie anymore
They like me hiding the real me
It allowed them to be comfortable
But it made me feel worse

You don't want to hear about my day
Because my day involves pain
You don't want to hear what I feel
My good attitude is back lit by pain

If the real me was hateful
Then maybe I'd understand
But this is about social discomfort
This is about disturbing truth

I'm outspoken but introverted
I'm employed and disabled 
I'm authentic with mental illness
I'm not looking to fit your mold.

Monday, October 16, 2023

wife left in the hospital

In sickness and in health they say
But it's often a one sided promise
We all agree boys run away 
Eager to escape emotional burden
But men are no better at sticking it out
When a woman needs support
Men feel they're in the right to leave
If a woman can't serve her role
Husbands don't stay to be caregivers
If a wife becomes a burden
Chronic illness is a dealbreaker.

Monday, October 9, 2023

skewed by suspicion

Why do you have expectations
Of how health should look or act
You don't live in my symptoms
Health isn't linear and we aren't twins
Who taught you to doubt me
To question a wheelchair or cane
Eager to catch me in the act
Of some malingering performance 

Why am I guilty until proven innocent
Your view is skewed by suspicion
Outright assuming I must be lying
Making it up to gain attention

Who wants to living in this picture
Putting on a long con for strangers 
Getting all this negative attention
Living outside socially acceptable

Why do you think you are special 
That I'm makings it up for you
That you know the ultimate truth
That you know me better than me.

Monday, October 2, 2023

Medicine exists for healthy people

Doctors goal is to get people healthy
So when faced with chronic illness
A complicated patient they can't fix
Once their diagnosis is complete
And they've handed out treatment
Even if the symptoms are still present
They wash their hands of us

Doctors aren't here for wholistic care
Few are excited by a long term puzzle
The puzzle of confusing symptoms
And rounds of inconclusive tests
They default to psychosomatic 
They outsource the care of emotion
That is the role of a psychiatrist 

Doctors want to conquer health
Not hear a frustrated patient
With never ending symptoms
They want to be the hero
But after multiple appointments 
It's easier to label malaise
Than admit their failure.

Monday, September 25, 2023

not up or down

My morality isn't vertical
You are not better than me 
And I am not better than you
We are both worthy
And no one is undeserving
No onehad to tell me this
I was born knowing it
My ethics are horizontal.

Monday, September 18, 2023

crazy cat lady

In a roundabout way
I traded my married life
For the title crazy cat lady

The traditional role
Was sold as happiness
But didn't give me security 

So understand,  I don't regret 
Giving up my faithless husband
As marraige was no guarantee

I am more myself
Thriving as a spinster
Because I didn't give up on me.

Monday, September 11, 2023

only the old and sick die

A global pandemic comes
And the takeaway is eugenics
Long as the masses can survive
It's okay for the old and sick to die
The public prefers simple comfort
Don't want to hear downer statistics
Don't want a mask or a vaccine
Sure, you might get long covid
You might kill your family or friends
But a party is worth the gamble
Mass spreader events are more fun.

Monday, September 4, 2023

external judgement

Carrying around all that judgment
It has to be a weighty burden
So much to disapprove and disdain 
Must be a heavy arsenal to bear
I'm sorry the dagger in your eyes
Bounce off of my lack of caring
Hate leaking from your gaze
Will never be able to touch me
Because I'm not invested in you
The same as you're effected by me.

Monday, August 28, 2023

quiet quit is my baseline

The way they exploit you
Is the reason they won't hire me
When you work all those unpaid hours
When you give above and beyond
I can't live up to that expectation
You hustle to get a possible raise
I'm struggling to give what's required
You network with all the right people
I stand out because of my limitations
Exploitation isn't fair to either of us
Our worth isn't in dollars and cents
You can quiet quit and still have a job
I'm lucky they're not looking for cause
I wish you would act your wage.

Monday, August 21, 2023

approval after the fact

If you hear my story
And then you feel for me
Where was your compassion
When you saw me as the villain?

Why do I have to explain
That life is hard and traumatic
For you to try and understand me
What does that say about you?

If you think strange is awful
And difference is unacceptable 
You are always going to judge me
You will still want to change me

If I haven't hurt you
And I'm not out to harm you
Then I'm not the one who's wrong
My compassion isn't conditional.

Monday, August 14, 2023

burnt flavor

Idle lips seek my ears
An exchange of vicious banter
Cringe isn't just in what you do
It's also in what you splatter

I avoid the burnt flavor you bring
As you season the world bitter
I can seek a sweeter taste
Avoid the twisted taste you deliver

Your art can be a saucy critique 
A smug feeling that you're better
While I enjoy my grateful life
Writen in a complimentary letter.

Monday, August 7, 2023

resigned to pride

My frenemy, disability
This is my uninvited guest
A squatter in my body
My long term companion

It can come at any time
And no one is safe
You may not know it's there
And it's rarely predictable

Nearly impossible to get rid of
Even making it behave is a struggle
So we adjust where we can
An suffer through the rest

Yes I've come to accept it
I'm even proud I love with it
But that doesn't mean I like it
Or that anyone else should want it.

Monday, July 31, 2023

not the real you

I don't know you
Because you don't want me to
You hide away the real you
Behind what others expect

Your performance is perfected 
The person you think I want
You were trained well to hide
But I can see your walls are up

It's not for lack of my trying 
Showing an active interest
Grilling you like an interview 
Trying to coax you out

You're not evading my disdain
If you were to be real with me
It'd be no different than now
I definitely don't like the fake you.

Thursday, July 27, 2023

mythical money monster

How can you have a billion dollars
And still claim to be human
You are more a mythical creature
Hoarding multiple lifetimes of money
Trading our lives as commodities 
They say absolute power corrupts 
It's cliche how you prove this true
You con us to do more for less
Rent us property on stollen land
Charge extra for our necessities
Trade our livelihood like collectibles 
You wear our skin, looking like us,
As you disconnect yourself from us
You can't own us if you know our pain
As you desensitize yourself from us
You don't feel compassion as you win
Being a billionaire isn't ethical
My words punch up at your morality
You make yourself seperate from us
Hoarding a mountain of gold, a throne,
A dragon kills with its breath
Like a billionaire steals without effort
Your mythic existence exploits us.

Monday, July 24, 2023

replace guns with therapy

Mass murderers are mostly men
They use guns to speak their feelings
Anger being the feeling they're allowed
They take out their disapointment
Their frustration and resentment
Punishing the world as they leave it
Destroying any chance of escape
In an act of violent suicide.

Monday, July 17, 2023

accessibility for all

What if we had equanimity
And accessibility was for all
What if cost was never an argument
We got what we need to do our job
What if productivity was not a value
And they forced us to self care
What if they prioritized our life
And made space for workers needs
What if they didn't make us compete 
And they created a spot for anyone
What if they saw us as irreplaceable 
They were eager to keep us around
What if they saw us as people first
Not dollars and cents on a bottom line
What if we could exist without them
So they never got to exploit us
What if these weren't "what if's"
They were rights instead of wishes.

Monday, July 10, 2023

Self Advocate

You call me an armchair expert
I call me a patient advocate
My persistent research
And being active in my care
Is my superpower, not a fault

You have years of education
But I'm an expert on my body
I know what I'm feeling
My medical history is memory
I don't get to ignore my symptoms

You can run standard tests
And give up if they fail
You can tell me nothings wrong
But your failure to diagnose 
Doesn't change things for me

So let's agree to disagree
When you decide dismiss me
Even if you've given up
I still live in this body
This puzzle comes with me.

Monday, July 3, 2023

why the questions?

What does disability look like?
What does a faker look like?
Why are you so suspicious?
Why is your nose in my business?
Why do you demand an explination?
What is the value of your judgement?
Who said I care what you think?
Who made you think you know me?
Why am I even talking to you?

Monday, June 26, 2023

the price of mental health

Remeber that permanent record
The lie parents told us in school
Well your medical record is real
And it will follow you in life
In order for a therapist to treat
Insurance requires a diagnosis
Therapists put down an answer
An answer from one appointment
True or not, the diagnosis is on record
And medicine perscribed on record
A medical record that goes with you
And when your general physician sees 
If any symptom can be psycological
It can trigger them to dismiss you
Because you're labeled mentally ill
The price of seeking mental wellness
Is more that the cost of insurance 
It can be the curse of medical bias.

Monday, June 19, 2023

don't know what they think

I'm battling a false ghost
Telling myself horror stories 
My perception of their perception
An apparition of my own making
Writing dialog of what they think
Inserting my worst thoughts in them
Pulling preconceptions from the world
Imagining them as monstrous 
Behind their mask of silence
Believing they judge me
When I have no proof
If only I could stop
My preconception.

Monday, June 12, 2023

Aging into disability

Most people become disabled
I don't mean it as a threat
It's just an unavoidable fact
Inevitably we all get old
And old comes with more sick
And medicine can keep us alive
But treatement isn't always a cure
So most of us age into disability
Life goes on when we aren't young
We can survive without perfect health
We can live a life not able-bodied
And the wisdom I'd like to offer y'all
If you notice a person with a disability
Is that we all end up there eventually.

Monday, June 5, 2023

no longer desired

As a girl I was susceptible 
The promise of princess fantasy 
Of a man to take care of me
I romanticized my gender role

My young mind rejected the dour
What my elder women said
A prediction I would regret
A promise that girlishness is fleeting

I don't choose to resent my youth
As I lapped up the male gaze
As I took care of my man
As I believed in forever

No, I wont condemn my child self
For falling prey to tainted fruit
It's men that saw an expiration date
That thought me better compliant 

I prefer to be angry at them
Resentful at their dismissal
As I aged out of male desire
Age gave me the person I want to be.

Monday, April 24, 2023

respectful, not patronizing

I don't need to tell someone
That I don't believe what they do
If that belief isn't harming me
And it isn't an act of intimacy
I aim for compassion and respect
And sometimes that means agnostic
If they find comfort in their belief
Why would I challenge that worldview

Long as they aren't pushing it on me
I don't need to tout my skepticis
By explaining their belief to them
Because belief doesn't work for me.

Monday, April 17, 2023

at least some men

I'm not looking to date a man
Or invest into some grown boy
Go ahead and call it man hate
But it's really self-preservation
Searching for an exception to all men
Means we have to roll the dice
Invite the risk of real trauma
The feminist in me is repelled 
I would consider gender fluid
Or some sort of non-binary
But even then I'm doubtful
My new romantic ideal is a rebel
Rejecting gender expectations 
Eager for reversal of roles
Someone who wants to know me
And all my wierd and flawed.

Monday, April 10, 2023

abled accommodation

If you're able bodied
You receive accommodation
You just don't know it
Those of us disabled
Present ourselves as palatable

Our silence is accommodation 
We edit out the uncomfortable parts
Hiding the differences we can
You don't have our lived experience 
And always explaining is exhausting

Our patience is an accommodation
Not asking or expecting too much
Putting up with nosy questions
Excusing the demands of explanation
Accepting that compassion is rare

Even being open is an accommodation
We put ourselves at risk of disgust
Seen as entertainment or a curiosity
Treated like an inspiration, an infant
And not the expert of our own story

So we accommodate the world
We make due with what we have
We certainly don't expect better
Expectation leads to disappointment
And fair treatment is rare to find.

Monday, April 3, 2023

peace for me

Actuary tables don't see my worth
They see an unimportant complainer
At what point am I flailing madly
Suffering my sanity to a fruitless fight
How much life am I losing
Fighting a system that ignores me
My everyday has always suffered
The burden of my ill health
So you might understand
How I value the time I gain
Embracing peace over a battle
I already lost the genetic lottery
Not choosing a war against medicine.

Monday, March 27, 2023

no longer baby making machine

My nether parts stopped working
They gave upon their own
Didn't have to convince a doctor
Or get any man on board
Retired from procreation
I aged out of the assembly line
No more questioning my choice
Or urging my submission
No chance I'll ever be a mamma
I've gone men-on-pause. 

Monday, March 20, 2023

the lie of inadequacy

Sold a bill of goods
They say I'm imperfect
They promise a cure
If I buy this product 
I will surely get better
But it's a never ending loop
A plate of false promises
A goal out of reach
Self hatred, doubt, and shame
That is what they taught me
While I aim for the goal of better
Another dollar spent to be perfect
But it's mirrors and snake oil
They have no fix for my broken
They made up the lie that I'm broken.

Monday, March 13, 2023

Support from the sideline

Your voice has power
Speaking with the best of intentions
But if you are not one of us
Don't speak for us

You are easier to see
Your existence isn't challenging
But they need to feel that discomfort
They need to put eyes on us

You are easier to hear
Because your voice is palatable 
You don't mean to hide our voice
We need them to hear from us

It isn't easy sitting on the sidelines
Passively supporting our protest
But that what we need from you
Step asside and let us shine.

Monday, March 6, 2023

considered expendable

Not considered in strategy
Our lives considered less worthy
Forgotten during a tragedy
Not as valuable as healthy
Left behind in an emergency
Inconvenient to protect my safety 
Don't tell me you honor my disability
When you risk my life so freely
Acceptable loss for the community 
A burden discarded for the many.

Monday, February 27, 2023

capitalism isn't romantic

There is a false narrative
That hard work will win
That poverty is by choice
That productivity is a moral good
That you can defy statistics 
That classism doesn't exist
That people aren't biased
And that anyone can be on the top

But the truth isn't romantic
Life is more important than work
There are things we can't control
Most of us aren't exceptional
The wealthy benefit from the poor
The system keeps you in your place
And work isn't why you are valuable.

Monday, February 20, 2023

nothing special about my needs

Don't squirm away
From language you don't like
Convincing yourself it's right
To paint me in a different light
You can't fix what's wrong
By giving it another name
And when you demand I conform
When you tell me what to say
Those words are not for me
Maybe you feel powerful and safe
With a new set of terms
But your euphemism is in the way
Of my hard-won identity
I don't let you gatekeep 
What I choose to describe me.

Monday, February 13, 2023

getting along at work

Mental illness doesn't fit in
Sometimes a subtle odd behavior
Is enough to be labeled an outsider
Bias others against your favor

Work expects us to be the same
And to become a part of the team
Meaning acceptance from others
We are graded on belonging

Skills and productivity are the goal
But neither guarantee retention
If you can't find a way to blend
Work will seek someone better.

Monday, February 6, 2023

what you can do

Venting to vent doesn't work
If you want steam to subside
Remove flame, water, or pressure
Only you can alter your reaction

When fighting fire with fire
You lead to a bigger fire
You are likely to burn yourself
Be willing to give up the flame

If you never replenish the water
The water will dissipate 
You burn the bottom of the pan
Lack of action has consequence

If you decide to ignore it
By plugging up the steam
Eventually it will explode
Take action now, not later

You want to make it stop
You have to change the system
You have to decide to do different
You have the power to change.

Monday, January 23, 2023

suffocating lies

Your lies hurt me
Like a slow growing mold
Hidden in the walls of my house
Maybe you think you are saving us
From the harm of conflict
But I know something is not right
The dank smell of what's unsaid
Chokes me as I try to breathe
Maybe you're protecting yourself
From the sting of my disappointment 
But you're infecting our world
I'm woozy from the inconsistancy
Think of how nice an open door is
Sharing vulnerability is a calm breeze
Give me a chance to forgive you
Instead suffocating in shame.

Monday, January 16, 2023

your ugly is showing

It's hard to see you
Going back to your life
As if the world is normal
While a pandemic is thriving

We don't need those old Ugly Laws
To force us undesirables inside
All we need is your disinterest  
And a mass disabling event

So I wear my mask and stay inside
While you celebrate a return to life
An hope I never meet that fated day
When your disinterest will infect me.

Monday, January 9, 2023


Despite my best intentions
All my effort to be organized
My body is unreliable
You can't count on me

Never know when my health will fail
Or when I won't remember detail
Can't say what days I won't be present
Or predict how many hours I can offer

If there were a habit I could cultivate 
I've spent a lifetime searching for it
I do the best with what I'm given
And aim to be as reliable as I can.

Monday, January 2, 2023

keeping it to myself

If I share my discomfort
With someone unfamiliar
Then I end up comforting them
Because their uncomfortable

They can say terrible things
Like, "I'd die if I were you."
I'm burdened with educating them
That may people live like I do

It's easier to fib with, "I'm good."
Than to convince them, "I'm fine."
I've learned to survive and accept
My flawed body and mind.