Book

Monday, April 24, 2023

respectful, not patronizing

I don't need to tell someone
That I don't believe what they do
If that belief isn't harming me
And it isn't an act of intimacy
 
I aim for compassion and respect
And sometimes that means agnostic
If they find comfort in their belief
Why would I challenge that worldview

Long as they aren't pushing it on me
I don't need to tout my skepticis
By explaining their belief to them
Because belief doesn't work for me.

Monday, April 17, 2023

at least some men

I'm not looking to date a man
Or invest into some grown boy
Go ahead and call it man hate
But it's really self-preservation
Searching for an exception to all men
Means we have to roll the dice
Invite the risk of real trauma
The feminist in me is repelled 
I would consider gender fluid
Or some sort of non-binary
But even then I'm doubtful
My new romantic ideal is a rebel
Rejecting gender expectations 
Eager for reversal of roles
Someone who wants to know me
And all my wierd and flawed.

Monday, April 10, 2023

abled accommodation

If you're able bodied
You receive accommodation
You just don't know it
Those of us disabled
Present ourselves as palatable

Our silence is accommodation 
We edit out the uncomfortable parts
Hiding the differences we can
You don't have our lived experience 
And always explaining is exhausting

Our patience is an accommodation
Not asking or expecting too much
Putting up with nosy questions
Excusing the demands of explanation
Accepting that compassion is rare

Even being open is an accommodation
We put ourselves at risk of disgust
Seen as entertainment or a curiosity
Treated like an inspiration, an infant
And not the expert of our own story

So we accommodate the world
We make due with what we have
We certainly don't expect better
Expectation leads to disappointment
And fair treatment is rare to find.

Monday, April 3, 2023

peace for me


Actuary tables don't see my worth
They see an unimportant complainer
At what point am I flailing madly
Suffering my sanity to a fruitless fight
How much life am I losing
Fighting a system that ignores me
My everyday has always suffered
The burden of my ill health
So you might understand
How I value the time I gain
Embracing peace over a battle
I already lost the genetic lottery
Not choosing a war against medicine.

Monday, March 27, 2023

no longer baby making machine

My nether parts stopped working
They gave upon their own
Didn't have to convince a doctor
Or get any man on board
Retired from procreation
I aged out of the assembly line
No more questioning my choice
Or urging my submission
No chance I'll ever be a mamma
I've gone men-on-pause. 

Monday, March 20, 2023

the lie of inadequacy

Sold a bill of goods
They say I'm imperfect
They promise a cure
If I buy this product 
I will surely get better
But it's a never ending loop
A plate of false promises
A goal out of reach
Self hatred, doubt, and shame
That is what they taught me
While I aim for the goal of better
Another dollar spent to be perfect
But it's mirrors and snake oil
They have no fix for my broken
They made up the lie that I'm broken.

Monday, March 13, 2023

Support from the sideline

Your voice has power
Speaking with the best of intentions
But if you are not one of us
Don't speak for us

You are easier to see
Your existence isn't challenging
But they need to feel that discomfort
They need to put eyes on us

You are easier to hear
Because your voice is palatable 
You don't mean to hide our voice
We need them to hear from us

It isn't easy sitting on the sidelines
Passively supporting our protest
But that what we need from you
Step asside and let us shine.

Monday, March 6, 2023

considered expendable

Not considered in strategy
Our lives considered less worthy
Forgotten during a tragedy
Not as valuable as healthy
Left behind in an emergency
Inconvenient to protect my safety 
Don't tell me you honor my disability
When you risk my life so freely
Acceptable loss for the community 
A burden discarded for the many.

Monday, February 27, 2023

capitalism isn't romantic

There is a false narrative
That hard work will win
That poverty is by choice
That productivity is a moral good
That you can defy statistics 
That classism doesn't exist
That people aren't biased
And that anyone can be on the top

But the truth isn't romantic
Life is more important than work
There are things we can't control
Most of us aren't exceptional
The wealthy benefit from the poor
The system keeps you in your place
And work isn't why you are valuable.

Monday, February 20, 2023

nothing special about my needs

Don't squirm away
From language you don't like
Convincing yourself it's right
To paint me in a different light
You can't fix what's wrong
By giving it another name
And when you demand I conform
When you tell me what to say
Those words are not for me
Maybe you feel powerful and safe
With a new set of terms
But your euphemism is in the way
Of my hard-won identity
I don't let you gatekeep 
What I choose to describe me.

Monday, February 13, 2023

getting along at work

Mental illness doesn't fit in
Sometimes a subtle odd behavior
Is enough to be labeled an outsider
Bias others against your favor

Work expects us to be the same
And to become a part of the team
Meaning acceptance from others
We are graded on belonging

Skills and productivity are the goal
But neither guarantee retention
If you can't find a way to blend
Work will seek someone better.

Monday, February 6, 2023

what you can do

Venting to vent doesn't work
If you want steam to subside
Remove flame, water, or pressure
Only you can alter your reaction

When fighting fire with fire
You lead to a bigger fire
You are likely to burn yourself
Be willing to give up the flame

If you never replenish the water
The water will dissipate 
You burn the bottom of the pan
Lack of action has consequence

If you decide to ignore it
By plugging up the steam
Eventually it will explode
Take action now, not later

You want to make it stop
You have to change the system
You have to decide to do different
You have the power to change.

Monday, January 23, 2023

suffocating lies

Your lies hurt me
Like a slow growing mold
Hidden in the walls of my house
Maybe you think you are saving us
From the harm of conflict
But I know something is not right
The dank smell of what's unsaid
Chokes me as I try to breathe
Maybe you're protecting yourself
From the sting of my disappointment 
But you're infecting our world
I'm woozy from the inconsistancy
Think of how nice an open door is
Sharing vulnerability is a calm breeze
Give me a chance to forgive you
Instead suffocating in shame.

Monday, January 16, 2023

your ugly is showing

It's hard to see you
Going back to your life
As if the world is normal
While a pandemic is thriving

We don't need those old Ugly Laws
To force us undesirables inside
All we need is your disinterest  
And a mass disabling event

So I wear my mask and stay inside
While you celebrate a return to life
An hope I never meet that fated day
When your disinterest will infect me.

Monday, January 9, 2023

unreliable

Despite my best intentions
All my effort to be organized
My body is unreliable
You can't count on me

Never know when my health will fail
Or when I won't remember detail
Can't say what days I won't be present
Or predict how many hours I can offer

If there were a habit I could cultivate 
I've spent a lifetime searching for it
I do the best with what I'm given
And aim to be as reliable as I can.

Monday, January 2, 2023

keeping it to myself

If I share my discomfort
With someone unfamiliar
Then I end up comforting them
Because their uncomfortable

They can say terrible things
Like, "I'd die if I were you."
I'm burdened with educating them
That may people live like I do

It's easier to fib with, "I'm good."
Than to convince them, "I'm fine."
I've learned to survive and accept
My flawed body and mind.