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Saturday, July 31, 2021

constant discomfort

Hate to call it pain
Because pain is distinct 
Searing, sharp, or pulsing
This is discomfort 
An unease of my skin
Body tight and swollen
A constant uncertainty 
Of when it will release 
Instead I can predict
My lack of comfort
Living in this body.

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

A medical definition

What is a diagnosis?
A definition, a grouping of symptoms 
An explanation, a route to treatment
An acceptance, a recognized label
A win, if there is a cure

Is a diagnosis required?
You can have symptoms with no treatment 
You can have a treatment with no diagnosis
You can have a diagnosis with no cure
A loss, if the diagnosis isn't recognized

Does it matter to me?
I've had more than one diagnosis
I live with lifelong symptoms
A label can be a comfort
But my health is still a problem.

Sunday, July 25, 2021

What is enough?

I'm good at somethings
Not talented the way I want
I'm not great at anything
But better than most
Some things are easy for me
Where I see others struggle 
I'm spoilt by what I have
Resentful of my limitations 
Will I always be dissatisfied?
Can I be grateful for gifts?
Or will I endlessly lament
What is just out of reach.

Saturday, July 24, 2021

seperate and together

You do you
And I'll l do me
When you and I meet
Let's aim for we
If we see them
Let's make an us
But never forget
That they are them
That you are you
And I am me.

Friday, July 23, 2021

Dine on me

The open maw of people
Is protected from the raw me
I keep myself refrigerated
Saved for a private meal

Strangers don't get to participate
To eat my uncooked self
I don't serve them in my kitchen
I offer a publicly presented dish

Wearing a smile hurts less
Then putting my meat on display
They don't get to choose the cut
I offer a charcuterie.

Thursday, July 22, 2021

shadow companion

Haunted on a lovely sunny day
Hearing rejection in a brief silence
Distrust in every bite of picnic
Doubting the gift of sweet success

Chewing away at my insides
Tinting my vision with uncertainty
Twisting the jolly of my company
Stealing the possibility of comfort

My guest is an unseen shadow
The cliche companion of anxiety
A false awareness of doom
My brain the source of this illness.

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

not your freak show

The fact that we have to be on display
That showing our vulnerable parts
Is the best path to acceptance
Means that privacy is a priveledge

The risk is that we entertain 
More than we educate
In our goal of finding empathy
Our lives become a curious show

Why do we have to teach compassion
When we start out in a deficit
We want to be treated as human
Not just characters of conversation.

Monday, July 19, 2021

let's be defiant

What if we were truely defiant
Going against all they want us to be
Not a sexy criminal or ralling rebel
But the true sins of personhood

Lets be lazy and needy and weak
Free with tears and emotions
Wailing againt the unfairness
Prideful in our self esteem

Slip through the holes of social norm
Reject the rules that make no sense 
Kind and firm instead of nice and easy
Simultaneously better and worse.

Saturday, July 17, 2021

innate worth

Is the value of a human life
The profit we bring
What we produce 
How we participate 
Our level of recognition

Can we be judged worthless 
But reject that judgement
Recognize we deserve to exist
Resist through our prideful self love
And encourage others to rebel

Humans are social animals
We need to feel loved and give love
We all deserve to exist
because we were born
There is no quantifying a life.

Thursday, July 15, 2021

Dying dream

A hope so long grasped
That my fingers are white
From cut off circulation
My stuborness won't let go

It feels like I have a destination
Like persistence will take me there
Could this be decades of self harm
A false hope leading me nowhere

What will I loose if I embrace the futility
If I accept the gamble as improbable 
Am I less the person I want to be
Without my rose colored lenses.

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Creative Defiance

The line between craft and art
Is it drawn by external appreciation 
The gaze of another judging it worthy
More than the creativity of an individual

Is it defined by talent or experience 
A natural producing pure originality
A masters work of pure skill
Askew of derivative or copy

Or is the line so blurry and gray 
As culture sketches ambiguous lines
"You know it when you see it"
Said with presumptuous authority.

Not abled asshole

I'm not your hero
I'm not your friend
I'm the asshole with a disability
Why do I choose this villany
Because it's hard to infantilize
Someone you can't pity or admire
Assholes are universally disliked
Your disdain and disapproval
Mean I'm like any other jerk
It's my one path to humanity
An effective equalizer, is this,
My terrible behavior.

Monday, July 12, 2021

Personal earthquake

There is the us that others perceive 
And the lived experience of our life
We may know our feelings and desires
But our memory is warped in remebering
Our perception of self is often twisted
Trying to see ourselves through other eyes
Trembling feelings as lava at our core
But a still surface that can looks serene
We can't always predict the seismic events
That can shatter our world into rubble
We don't always know the cosmic events
That will punch a whole in our existence.