no life taken

"I don't want you to die."

I can say that honestly to anyone

While there are people I hate

People I don't want near me

People I don't want in a role of power

I don't want them dead

I willfully don't understand 

murder, or execution, or war

So I certainly don't understand

The willingness to sacrifice

The life of another for comfort

It is pure narcisim to think freedom

Is worth more than a strangers life

The frail deserve our protection

Culling the herd is a deplorable

A kind human heart knows

There is no disposable life.

not made for immortaility

Youthful moments of decay

Living in a body that betrayes

Forces awareness of mortality

At an early age

Long as I have quality of life

Then living has immense value

And I eagerly choose to be alive

But there was no idylic healthy youth

To make me yearn for forever

Long as I'm trapped in this body

Immortality is not my fantasy.

not always a hero

If the lead in great stories

Are the nice girl and the brave guy

And we are the lead of our own story

How do we end up in villain roles

As the mean girl or the shy guy

Is it in a group that we lose sight

Of who we are on our own

Do we fill a role defined by the many

Or is it simply the limit of perspective

That convinces us we are doing right

Even when we do great harm

How do we miss the flaws of humanity

How do we not see our own villany

Is this simply the grey part of life

Where we can't know how we affect others

Where the hero isn't always in the right.

an hour more sleep

I don't wanna spend my life

Sleep deprived and acting normal

Coffee can't replace sleep

Money can't sit in for sense of ease

What if self care really means

Accepting the lazy parts of self

Sometimes a finished job is flawed

And finished can be better than perfect

An hour more sleep and a little less stress

Decidining to be done in imperfection

Maybe it's okay to be seen as lesser

Long as I have some more happiness.

I wanna believe in people

I don't want to lose 

My faith in humanity

Age has given me

Too many examples

That Individuals are flawed

And groupthink dillutes us

I want to believe its a spectrum

That the worst and the best 

Make the most compelling stories

But reality lives in between

I want to believe in all of us

Because when today sucks

Humanity is my hope for the future.

Are men monsters?

I dreamt I loved a monster

A murderer and dictator

Running an army of his peers

And my lot was so pathetic

I yearned for his abuse

He made his terms clear

I was a servant to his desires

And I was not his only concubine

At best I was sloppy seconds

He expected my worship

And I gave my devotion eagerly

I woke up from this dream

Frustrated by how real it felt

Because I am not the first choice

I am not conventional or subservient

The world's advice to get a man

Is an affront to my feminism

It feels like I have to love a monster

Or learn to live without love

I want to believe my dream is unfair

That men and women are better

But I'm an old, fat, and wierd lady

No longer hopefully find my Prince.

Coping

This morning I felt like crying

Seemingly out if the blue

Except its not so random

I'm scared and for good reason

This is a scary time, a sick time, 

The world shares my fear

this once in a lifetime event

So, I watched a sad movie and cried

Then, when I was done with tears,

I turned on another movie

And it was funny, so I laughed

I laughed out loud, without thinking

And it felt good to just feel 

The rollercoaster of humanity

Late in the day, I'm grateful

Yes, my now is complex,

But I have my small comforts

I'm managing and coping

In this moment, I'm still alive.

unease

This unexpected visitor

That sneaks up the brain

Slow drip drop in opposite

Slithering through my calm

Stretching over my mind

Sicky cover of awareness

Until I'm ill with the difference

Upside down and inside out

With this feeling of unease.

no other version of me

It's not common to meet a man

Who wants me the way I am

A crazy fat complicated

Strong introverted woman 

I conflict with gender roles

I am not the ideal size or shape

I am not here to serve or defer

I am not fun or fancy free

I do not bend the knee

Sometimes I crave a patner

But I am happy in myself

Perhaps it is better to be alone

Than to compromise my identity.

the trump ideology

My goal is to be respectful

Even when I don't understand

If something doesn't harm me

I give distance and tolerance

Much as worship and faith confuse me

And are in conflict with my scientific mind

I can see the worth in religion

The community and structure it brings

The culture and togetherness it fosters

But ideology of a person, I must admit,

That I have a problem with that

Our current president, Trump, 

Is inconsistent in word and action

But still idolized by his following

They have blind faith in this man

And I have come to realize

I don't owe my tollerance to that

I cannot offer it to them or him

I do not see the benefit to his reign

His actions are directly affecting me

And I am not a victim for anyone

In times of harm, I stand up for myself

Whatever power I have, I will wield

I will vote, I will speak, and I will hope

Because none of us deserves him

Not even those blind to his folly.

Introvert pride

There is no shame
To my lack of social game
Extroverts play loose
Introverts keep it tight

We explore our mind
The many worlds inside
There is never enough thought
To keep our attention caught

When we have something to say

We'll make it worth your whole

If you can be patient with our quiet

Maybe we'll visit your loud.

communication connundrum

"Words matter," I'm told

And my head thrums

Trapped by a partial truth

Lack of minutia in a common saying

It's true definition matters

Using the right words

Can make a difference

But only we all agree

On what those words mean

Only when we all have

The same context

Words get confused

By colloquial usage

And multiple meanings

You can use all the right words

And completely confuse

You can use the wrong tone

And complicate the meaning

You can do everything right

And still not be heard

The truth is mutual understanding

Is way more important

Than the words we use.

allergic to the world

Most fun things are not fun for me

I don't dance or smoke or drink

Masturbation gives me a hangover

Pretty much all aerobic activity does

Going outside gives me a hangover

Grass, trees, and flowers are not my friend

Gluten and milk give me a hangover

As does yeast and aged food

Perfume doesn't wait for the next day

Neither does bleach or ammonia

Cleaning my house raises dust

Living in squalor grows bacteria

My health is a tightrope of avoidance

Treatment over the counter medicine

Living within the boundaries of my body

Finding my own special way to enjoy life

In a world I'm allergic to.

not hero or villain, just human

I don't want to be your inspiration

you can’t reduce my experience

To heroic or pathetic

I am no cardboard cutout

I am layers of complicated

Like any human on this planet

"At least you have your health."

A basic precept we hear

But what if I don’t

What if my mind and body

Don’t follow the norm

My symptoms are inconsistent 

I live in a body I can’t count on

My discomfort isn’t always pain

Pain implies a specific thing to fix

Post-exertion malaise and general anxiety

Fancy words for I’m tired and upset

I understand it’s hard to understand

What a lack of health is like

Because a healthy mind compares

What it knows to what it sees

And a healthy body has limits

But health often returns

Rejoice in your health, if you have it

priveledge isn't shameful on it's own

It's when you add stubborn blinders

When you aren't willing to admit

Your perspective is always limited

And difference is hard for us all.

Shared Fear

An unexpected visitor, 

microscopic in size, 

The world feels my reality

This oddly shameful secret 

that my family shares

is suddenly not so abnormal

We are all trapped at home

Not sure what is next

A good day or a bad one

Randomly betrayed by our bodies,

trapped by our circumstance, 

Familiar to chronic illness

The worlds knowledge won't last

Their fear will be forgotten

There will be an after coronavirus

But today the world shares my fear

Today we are all insecure

Uncertain of our health tommorow.