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Tuesday, April 28, 2020

no life taken

"I don't want you to die."
I can say that honestly to anyone
While there are people I hate
People I don't want near me
People I don't want in a role of power
I don't want them dead
I willfully don't understand 
murder, or execution, or war
So I certainly don't understand
The willingness to sacrifice
The life of another for comfort
It is pure narcisim to think freedom
Is worth more than a strangers life
The frail deserve our protection
Culling the herd is a deplorable
A kind human heart knows
There is no disposable life.

Friday, April 24, 2020

not made for immortaility

Youthful moments of decay
Living in a body that betrayes
Forces awareness of mortality
At an early age
Long as I have quality of life
Then living has immense value
And I eagerly choose to be alive
But there was no idylic healthy youth
To make me yearn for forever
Long as I'm trapped in this body
Immortality is not my fantasy.

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

not always a hero

If the lead in great stories
Are the nice girl and the brave guy
And we are the lead of our own story
How do we end up in villain roles
As the mean girl or the shy guy

Is it in a group that we loose sight
Of who we are on our own
Do we fill a role defined by the many
Or is it simply the limit of perspective
That convinces us we are doing right
Even when we do great harm

How do we miss the flaws of humanity
How do we not see our own villany
Is this simply the grey part of life
Where we can't know how we affect others
Where the hero isn't always in the right.

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

an hour more sleep

I don't wanna spend my life
Sleep deprived and acting normal
Coffee can't replace sleep
Money can't sit in for sense of ease
What if self care really means
Accepting the lazy parts of self
Sometimes a finished job is flawed
And finished can be better than perfect
An hour more sleep and a little less stress
Decidining to be done in imperfection
Maybe it's okay to be seen as lessor
Long as I have some more happiness.

Monday, April 20, 2020

I wanna believe in people

I don't want to loose 
My faith in humanity
Age has given me
Too many examples
That Individuals are flawed
And groupthink dillutes us
I want to believe its a spectrum
That the worst and the best 
Make the most compelling stories
But reality lives in between
I want to believe in all of us
Because when today sucks
Humanity is my hope for the future.


Friday, April 17, 2020

Are men monsters?

I dreamt I loved a monster
A murderer and dictator
Running an army of his peers
And my lot was so pathetic
I yearned for his abuse
He made his terms clear
I was a servant to his desires
And I was not his only concubine
At best I was sloppy seconds
He expected my worship
And I gave my devotion eagerly
I woke up from this dream
Frustrated by how real it felt
Because I am not the first choice
I am not conventional or subservient
The world's advice to get a man
Is an affront to my feminism
It feels like I have to love a monster
Or learn to live without love
I want to believe my dream is unfair
That men and women are better
But I'm an old, fat, and wierd lady
No longer hopefully find my Prince.

Saturday, April 11, 2020

Coping

This morning I felt like crying
Seemingly out if the blue
Except its not so random
I'm scared and for good reason
This is a scary time, a sick time, 
The world shares my fear
this once in a lifetime event
So, I watched a sad movie and cried
Then, when I was done with tears,
I turned on another movie
And it was funny, so I laughed
I laughed out loud, without thinking
And it felt good to just feel 
The rollercoaster of humanity
Late in the day, I'm grateful
Yes, my now is complex,
But I have my small comforts
I'm managing and coping
In this moment, I'm still alive.


Friday, April 10, 2020

unease

This unexpected visitor
That sneaks up the brain
Slow drip drop in opposite
Slithering through my calm
Stretching over my mind
Sicky cover of awareness
Until I'm ill with the difference
Upside down and inside out
With this feeling of unease.






no other version of me

It's not common to meet a man
Who wants me the way I am
A crazy fat complicated
Strong introverted woman 
I conflict with gender roles
I am not the ideal size or shape
I am not here to serve or defer
I am not fun or fancy free
I do not bend the knee
Sometimes I crave a patner
But I am happy in myself
Perhaps it is better to be alone
Than to compromise my identity.

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

the trump ideology

My goal is to be respectful
Even when I don't understand
If something doesn't harm me
I give distance and tolerance
Much as worship and faith confuse me
And are in conflict with my scientific mind
I can see the worth in religion
The community and structure it brings
The culture and togetherness it fosters
But ideology of a person, I must admit,
That I have a problem with that
Our current president, Trump, 
Is inconsistent in word and action
But still idolized by his following
They have blind faith in this man
And I have come to realize
I don't owe my tollerance to that
I cannot offer it to them or him
I do not see the benefit to his reign
His actions are directly affecting me
And I am not a victim for anyone
In times of harm, I stand up for myself
Whatever power I have, I will wield
I will vote, I will speak, and I will hope
Because none of us deserves him
Not even those blind to his folly.

Monday, April 6, 2020

Introvert pride

There is no shame
To my lack of social game
Extroverts play loose
Introverts keep it tight

We explore our mind
The many worlds inside
There is never enough thought
To keep our attention caught

When we have something to say
We'll make it worth your whole
If you can be patient with our quiet
Maybe we'll visit your loud.

Sunday, April 5, 2020

communication connundrum

"Words matter," I'm told
And my head thrums
Trapped by a partial truth
Lack of minutia in a common saying
It's true definition matters
Using the right words
Can make a difference
But only we all agree
On what those words mean
Only when we all have
The same context
Words get confused
By colloquial usage
And multiple meanings
You can use all the right words
And completely confuse
You can use the wrong tone
And complicate the meaning
You can do everything right
And still not be heard
The truth is mutual understanding
Is way more important
Than the words we use.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

allergic to the world

Most fun things are not fun for me
I don't dance or smoke or drink
Masturbation gives me a hangover
Pretty much all aerobic activity does
Going outside gives me a hangover
Grass, trees, and flowers are not my friend
Gluten and milk give me a hangover
As does yeast and aged food
Perfume doesn't wait for the next day
Neither does bleach or ammonia
Cleaning my house raises dust
Living in squalor grows bacteria
My health is a tightrope of avoidance
Treatment over the counter medicine
Living within the boundaries of my body
Finding my own special way to enjoy life
In a world I'm allergic to.





Friday, April 3, 2020

not hero or villain, just human

I don't want to be your inspiration
you can’t reduce my experience
To heroic or pathetic
I am no cardboard cutout
I am layers of complicated
Like any human on this planet

"At least you have your health."
A basic precept we hear
But what if I don’t
What if my mind and body
Don’t follow the norm

My symptoms are inconsistent 
I live in a body I can’t count on
My discomfort isn’t always pain
Pain implies a specific thing to fix
Post-exertion malaise and general anxiety
Fancy words for I’m tired and upset

I understand it’s hard to understand
What a lack of health is like
Because a healthy mind compares
What it knows to what it sees
And a healthy body has limits
But health often returns

Rejoice in your health, if you have it
priveledge isn't shameful on it's own
It's when you add stubborn blinders
When you aren't willing to admit
Your perspective is always limited
And difference is hard for us all.

Thursday, April 2, 2020

Shared Fear

An unexpected visitor, 
microscopic in size, 
The world feels my reality

This oddly shameful secret 
that my family shares
is suddenly not so abnormal

We are all trapped at home
Not sure what is next
A good day or a bad one

Randomly betrayed by our bodies,
trapped by our circumstance, 
Familiar to chronic illness

The worlds knowledge won't last
Their fear will be forgotten
There will be an after coronavirus

But today the world shares my fear
Today we are all insecure
Uncertain of our health tommorow.