Saturday, November 14, 2020

wishing I was a comet

"Who am I?"
We all ask this
At one time or another
Sometimes this answer comes swiftly
Easily based on my sense of self
"Who am I to them?"
That's a tough question
I swirl around the question
Like a planet in orbit
Hoping I can become a comet
Break free from painful confusion
It's the taciturn "them" that won’t say
Even if I ask directly
So, I live comfortable in myself
But uncomfortable in the world. 

Saturday, November 7, 2020

embracing the label

To not be seen a loser
I have to choose to be a winner
But who am I trying to impress
Who gets to decide the rules
What if I'm an independent thinker
What if I decide not to compete
Instead, can I live the label
Can I defy the game they're playing
Accepting some might call me a looser
Because I'm happy being my weird self.

Monday, October 26, 2020

happy to say i walked away

Words like "angry", "resentful", "righteous"
Group think makes them infectious
One bad apple spoils the bunch
One mean girl sets the tone
When ladies gang up, I don't take part
If a friend is cruel, I rethink that friend
I may not fight for what's right
But I don't put up with what's wrong
My silence and absence is active
Being right can be lonely
But I won't let ugly infect me
the on thing I can say is
I'm brave enough to walk away.

Monday, October 19, 2020

three boys

I lost my innocence to three boys
One who kissed my best friend
One who dared me in the dark
And one who presumed marraige

The first boy was my first crush
He kissed her because I dared him
I wanted him to dare me back
But their kiss became the story

The second boy liked me first
He dared me to grope him
Mother interrupted our daring
He lost interest soon after

The third boy was actually my first
First kiss, first love, first fuck
After my deflowering he declared marriage
But I had a world of fucks ahead of me

I'm not sure I had innocence
That I lost or they stole
Three boys took what I offered
I eagerly sought what they gave.

Saturday, October 17, 2020

feelings together

Trapped a feeling
Put it into words
Shared it online
So your feelings
Would have company.

letting myself cry

Tears washed out the chemicals in my brain
Poured out the feeling making me insane
Couldn't stop the world from spinning
But lifted the weight pinning me down
Tommorow the world gets heavy, again
But tonight I sleep a little lighter.

Wednesday, October 7, 2020

hold my hand in the aftermath

I can be my own prince
Drag my own ass out of the fire
Make my own money
Buy my own toys
But its lonely on my own
I wish I had a partner to hold my hand
To listen after I've taken care of business
Who wants my strong and mighty self
Even when I'm not pretty or girly
I want to loved, not saved.

Friday, September 11, 2020

fat hurts less

How do I explain
Why I live in this body 
Why I don't starve
Maybe rejection stings
Maybe ugly isn't awesome
But I can't escape allergic
When my skin aches
With general discomfort
Everything is swollen
And exercise hurts
Food is medicine
Food feels good
Drugs dull the mind
I want to live awake
Weight is the lesser evil
Fat hurts less.

Monday, August 24, 2020

all my jiggle

Double chin
Whitchy wart
Jelly belly
Cheese thighs
Soft squishy
Warm cuddly
Massive me
Taking space.

Thursday, August 20, 2020

everyday love

You can't win my affection
It isn't a prize or a contest
I don't want unpradictable romance 
And sweeping gestures are obscene
The real test is everyday kindness
Paying attention and spending time
Woo me with many tender moments
Invest yourself and I will swoon.

Sunday, August 9, 2020

flawed snowflake

Being unique isn't being the best
They are two different measures
When I compete with someone, I can loose
When I compete with myself, I will improve
Winning requires standards and conformity 
While flaws can be a part of individuality
Self esteme is a wonderful thing
But often confused with superiority.

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

sweet parting ways

Scorched earth is bitter smokey 
Revenge is raw and bloddy
But a legacy is sappy sweet
Your regret should taste like sugar
When you realize what your missing
Winning is my happiness elsewhere
Not the bad taste I left
So I leave behind desert.

Friday, July 17, 2020

your anger is not mine

I don't choose to have enemies
Your anger isn't my business
Until you set it in front of me
Even then, I don't have to play tit for tat
I can decide not to engage
I can endeavor not to react
Maybe that means I'm not tough
Because I won't play your game of dirty
I'm like my sweet and kind stuff
I see that anger is a chunky pill
It'll weigh me down if I ingest it
And I don't need it to feel full.

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

good not great

I have a good personality
Not the median or the max
And above average intelligence
A solid "B" student
Patient and persistant
I mostly get stuff done
Loving but introverted
I may not be the best
Flawed and honest
But I'm certainly not the worst.

Tuesday, June 30, 2020

theory into practice

Ideas abound
Untested theories to try
But the practical steps 
Are not always so easy
There are books to read
But learning is limited by words
A model is a representation
Even a blueprint is on paper
Doing teaches us better
But adults are expected to know
Not to explore like a clumsy child
Failure is the freedom to try again
But forgiveness is rare
And mentors hard to find
All that left is persistence
The willingness to look foolish
To find a lessons in mistake
To keep trying regardless of reward.

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

yearning for new grass

Daily watering the same brown patch
Investing hope in a color change
The lack of difference is exausting

The hints and promises of new growth
As the weeds get taller and grass dies
Endless false starts grind away hope

The grass isn't always greener
But maybe a new start can wake us up
Maybe fresh hope is enough.

Saturday, June 13, 2020

people change for themselves

People can change
But they change for themselves
And they often don't try to change
It is a natural, unexpected evolution

There comes a point when
The promise of future change is a lie
Where the pattern of actual behavior
Is clear and inescapable

At some point it's time 
to stop believing words repeated
To recognize actions as answers
To think about your power to choose

If you pin your future on another
You are at the behest if their behavior
If you choose your power of choice
You may not wait for change in another.

Sunday, June 7, 2020

personal apocalypse

That sick moment 
when you realize the ugly truth
That you've invested yourself
In something that has no future

Where you stubbornly held faith
Sacrificed pieces of yourself
Gave into one sided compromise
For something that didn't work

Suddenly, after so long,
You can't keep from seeing it
The truth slaps you in the face
And the sun won't let you sleep

You don't want to give up
You hate the idea of giving in
But you can't stand where you are
You ache to move forward

So you dive into the unknown
Gamble on the risk of worse
To relieve the pain of foolish
You choose a new costume.

Friday, June 5, 2020

not on the picket line

I always knew I wouldn't be out
If true unrest came to my time
And now it's come to pass
In my safe bubble I feel anxiety
As I watch the world outside burn
Sacrifice is the precursor to equity
What they do is better than me
There is no excuse for my priveledge
I won't justify my passivity
In my heart, I support those protesting
In my words, I support human rights
But, no, I'm not on the front lines.

Saturday, May 23, 2020

liar liar

Why do you lie frivolusly?
Throwing out half truths 
With no real purpose
Why don't you speak true,
When asked directly?

You say one thing
And then behave opposite
I don't see your hidden purpose
I dont know your unspoken logic
And I've dared to ask for both

You just don't make sense
I want to give you the benefit
I'm fighting my persistant doubt
My fault is in looking for good
When the evidence points to bad

I dont want to dismiss you completely
But I'm strugglig to see
The value you bring
The benefit of you
It's sad, really.

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

not my tantrum

If I've stated my case
Tried to be clear more than once
And you still won't listen
I concede to your stuborn

Indifference is cruel
A worse punishment than anger
It's not my business to fix you
It's my right to go silent

I don't reward bad behavior
I don't participate in stupid
I don't have to fight
Just because I'm right

You keep flailing at the wind
As I calmly walk away
You can have the win
I choose my own peace.

Saturday, May 16, 2020

supporting cast

Some of us are not the first choice
Not the significant other
Not even the best friend
Some of us are supporting cast
We may be the lead in our own story
But have no lines in another's
Maybe we're a lone wolf
Which sounds really romantic
Except for the separate part
The table for one part
The feeling like an outcast part
Some of us even prefer the quiet
A single bed in a studio apartment
A noted lack of roomates
No disruptions or chaos
Being alone isn't all bad
It's being lonely that sucks
Not knowing who to call
Not having holiday plans
Not being an emergency contact
Some of us know we arent the favorite
And this is the introverts dilemma
Maintaining much needed relationships
While sustaining much needed space.

Thursday, May 14, 2020

a biased animal

Embracing plurality is hard
The human animal likes familiar
Perfection is a false belief
True acceptance an ongoing battle
We are humans, not robots
We live with emotion 
And individual perception
The best we can do
Is aim to know our bias
Try to understand our priveledge
Forgive our mistakes
Keep striving for wisdom
The complication keeps us alive
Too much same is boring
Our difference makes us beautiful.

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

putting aside anger

My anger lives in me
That means I have a choice
I can choose to kick it out
Or make it go to its room
Or try to calm it with reason
My anger doesn't control me
I don't have to feed its fire
I don't have to drink its poison
Sure, there are things I can't fix
Awful things in this world
Things unfair, that hurt my heart
But I can choose how I feel
I can decide on forgiveness
And compassion and calm
I can make living with myself easier
By deciding to be the better person
Making anger an infrequent visitor.

toxic masculinity

You tighten the screws on you nuts
And wonder why your dick hurts
We tell you unscrewing is an option
And you add weight to the aparatus

You wonder why love isn't yours
As your lonely dick spewes hate
When we tell you love comes from love
You demand to be worshiped

Its hard to forgive the unrepentant
Impossible to teach the stubornly stupid
Sometimes we have to save ourselves
From the toxic perpetraited by your sex.

quietly defiant

Faith is not changed through fact
Belief is belligerent and stubborn
Fighting face to face is fruitless
People change only for themselves
How do we persist without impatience
When the war we want to win
It about bringing both sides together
I can quietly persist in my defiance
My defiance can be faith in humanity
My belief can be that science saves us
My forgiveness will be for everyone.

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

no life taken

"I don't want you to die."
I can say that honestly to anyone
While there are people I hate
People I don't want near me
People I don't want in a role of power
I don't want them dead
I willfully don't understand 
murder, or execution, or war
So I certainly don't understand
The willingness to sacrifice
The life of another for comfort
It is pure narcisim to think freedom
Is worth more than a strangers life
The frail deserve our protection
Culling the herd is a deplorable
A kind human heart knows
There is no disposable life.

Friday, April 24, 2020

not made for immortaility

Youthful moments of decay
Living in a body that betrayes
Forces awareness of mortality
At an early age
Long as I have quality of life
Then living has immense value
And I eagerly choose to be alive
But there was no idylic healthy youth
To make me yearn for forever
Long as I'm trapped in this body
Immortality is not my fantasy.

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

not always a hero

If the lead in great stories
Are the nice girl and the brave guy
And we are the lead of our own story
How do we end up in villain roles
As the mean girl or the shy guy

Is it in a group that we lose sight
Of who we are on our own
Do we fill a role defined by the many
Or is it simply the limit of perspective
That convinces us we are doing right
Even when we do great harm

How do we miss the flaws of humanity
How do we not see our own villany
Is this simply the grey part of life
Where we can't know how we affect others
Where the hero isn't always in the right.

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

an hour more sleep

I don't wanna spend my life
Sleep deprived and acting normal
Coffee can't replace sleep
Money can't sit in for sense of ease
What if self care really means
Accepting the lazy parts of self
Sometimes a finished job is flawed
And finished can be better than perfect
An hour more sleep and a little less stress
Decidining to be done in imperfection
Maybe it's okay to be seen as lesser
Long as I have some more happiness.

Monday, April 20, 2020

I wanna believe in people

I don't want to lose 
My faith in humanity
Age has given me
Too many examples
That Individuals are flawed
And groupthink dillutes us
I want to believe its a spectrum
That the worst and the best 
Make the most compelling stories
But reality lives in between
I want to believe in all of us
Because when today sucks
Humanity is my hope for the future.

Friday, April 17, 2020

Are men monsters?

I dreamt I loved a monster
A murderer and dictator
Running an army of his peers
And my lot was so pathetic
I yearned for his abuse
He made his terms clear
I was a servant to his desires
And I was not his only concubine
At best I was sloppy seconds
He expected my worship
And I gave my devotion eagerly
I woke up from this dream
Frustrated by how real it felt
Because I am not the first choice
I am not conventional or subservient
The world's advice to get a man
Is an affront to my feminism
It feels like I have to love a monster
Or learn to live without love
I want to believe my dream is unfair
That men and women are better
But I'm an old, fat, and wierd lady
No longer hopefully find my Prince.

Saturday, April 11, 2020


This morning I felt like crying
Seemingly out if the blue
Except its not so random
I'm scared and for good reason
This is a scary time, a sick time, 
The world shares my fear
this once in a lifetime event
So, I watched a sad movie and cried
Then, when I was done with tears,
I turned on another movie
And it was funny, so I laughed
I laughed out loud, without thinking
And it felt good to just feel 
The rollercoaster of humanity
Late in the day, I'm grateful
Yes, my now is complex,
But I have my small comforts
I'm managing and coping
In this moment, I'm still alive.

Friday, April 10, 2020


This unexpected visitor
That sneaks up the brain
Slow drip drop in opposite
Slithering through my calm
Stretching over my mind
Sicky cover of awareness
Until I'm ill with the difference
Upside down and inside out
With this feeling of unease.

no other version of me

It's not common to meet a man
Who wants me the way I am
A crazy fat complicated
Strong introverted woman 
I conflict with gender roles
I am not the ideal size or shape
I am not here to serve or defer
I am not fun or fancy free
I do not bend the knee
Sometimes I crave a patner
But I am happy in myself
Perhaps it is better to be alone
Than to compromise my identity.

Tuesday, April 7, 2020

the trump ideology

My goal is to be respectful
Even when I don't understand
If something doesn't harm me
I give distance and tolerance
Much as worship and faith confuse me
And are in conflict with my scientific mind
I can see the worth in religion
The community and structure it brings
The culture and togetherness it fosters
But ideology of a person, I must admit,
That I have a problem with that
Our current president, Trump, 
Is inconsistent in word and action
But still idolized by his following
They have blind faith in this man
And I have come to realize
I don't owe my tollerance to that
I cannot offer it to them or him
I do not see the benefit to his reign
His actions are directly affecting me
And I am not a victim for anyone
In times of harm, I stand up for myself
Whatever power I have, I will wield
I will vote, I will speak, and I will hope
Because none of us deserves him
Not even those blind to his folly.

Monday, April 6, 2020

Introvert pride

There is no shame
To my lack of social game
Extroverts play loose
Introverts keep it tight

We explore our mind
The many worlds inside
There is never enough thought
To keep our attention caught

When we have something to say
We'll make it worth your whole
If you can be patient with our quiet
Maybe we'll visit your loud.

Sunday, April 5, 2020

communication connundrum

"Words matter," I'm told
And my head thrums
Trapped by a partial truth
Lack of minutia in a common saying
It's true definition matters
Using the right words
Can make a difference
But only we all agree
On what those words mean
Only when we all have
The same context
Words get confused
By colloquial usage
And multiple meanings
You can use all the right words
And completely confuse
You can use the wrong tone
And complicate the meaning
You can do everything right
And still not be heard
The truth is mutual understanding
Is way more important
Than the words we use.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

allergic to the world

Most fun things are not fun for me
I don't dance or smoke or drink
Masturbation gives me a hangover
Pretty much all aerobic activity does
Going outside gives me a hangover
Grass, trees, and flowers are not my friend
Gluten and milk give me a hangover
As does yeast and aged food
Perfume doesn't wait for the next day
Neither does bleach or ammonia
Cleaning my house raises dust
Living in squalor grows bacteria
My health is a tightrope of avoidance
Treatment over the counter medicine
Living within the boundaries of my body
Finding my own special way to enjoy life
In a world I'm allergic to.

Friday, April 3, 2020

not hero or villain, just human

I don't want to be your inspiration
you can’t reduce my experience
To heroic or pathetic
I am no cardboard cutout
I am layers of complicated
Like any human on this planet

"At least you have your health."
A basic precept we hear
But what if I don’t
What if my mind and body
Don’t follow the norm

My symptoms are inconsistent 
I live in a body I can’t count on
My discomfort isn’t always pain
Pain implies a specific thing to fix
Post-exertion malaise and general anxiety
Fancy words for I’m tired and upset

I understand it’s hard to understand
What a lack of health is like
Because a healthy mind compares
What it knows to what it sees
And a healthy body has limits
But health often returns

Rejoice in your health, if you have it
priveledge isn't shameful on it's own
It's when you add stubborn blinders
When you aren't willing to admit
Your perspective is always limited
And difference is hard for us all.

Thursday, April 2, 2020

Shared Fear

An unexpected visitor, 
microscopic in size, 
The world feels my reality

This oddly shameful secret 
that my family shares
is suddenly not so abnormal

We are all trapped at home
Not sure what is next
A good day or a bad one

Randomly betrayed by our bodies,
trapped by our circumstance, 
Familiar to chronic illness

The worlds knowledge won't last
Their fear will be forgotten
There will be an after coronavirus

But today the world shares my fear
Today we are all insecure
Uncertain of our health tommorow.