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Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Happy path

I sometimes wonder
How they cannot see
That investing in anger
Is an act of futility

Anger does not return joy
Or make one better
Rage is the path
To a rancid bitter

Happy is hard
Its a choice of attitude
A habbit of seeking positive
Even when your not in the mood

I dont know whats easier
The happy or angry path
But i know the one ive chosen
And its not one of wrath.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Circus

I never wanted to be a circus clown
to turn the world upside down
with a laugh and a lark

I always wanted them to see me for my mind
and to think about me anytime
when they heard my true voice

the world is more cruel than this
when it doesn't give you beauties kiss
you watch the rest make headway
while you just wait and pray

is yearning the only kind of fever
that will lead me to the place of furvor
where I'll find bright lights on my face

I don't think it's wrong to yearn for
a little recognition for what I make more
than all the other girls

I'm driven to the page
to write down my thoughts about me
even when the rest don't care
I write wishing for a blank stare

My words are all I have, you see
to connect me to this world around me
I wish you could taste them half as much
as you discard them from your touch.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Beautiful

Do I want to be beautiful?
is that a burden I desire
Some might say the answer is easy
that beauty is always preferred

If I have to choose which bigots
feign disgust for me
do I want to be mocked for my form
or restricted to a pedestal

for there are always bigots
always restrictions
beauty wouldn't remove hardship
it would only change the burdens
I have to carry

I'm not ugly, per se,
I have a symmetrical face
fair skin, fair hair,
and sky colored eyes

but I'm large, a girth greater than most
my hair is unconventionally cut
my skin less than flawless
and, worst of all, my movement is stilted
I stumble ungracefully through life

Would I prefer to be thin
to look like a picture in a magazine
so that all the men flock to me
and the women envy

Could I deny myself food
and run myself ragged
spending hours primping
to grasp for that improbable goal?

So far the answer is no,
I do not choose conventional beauty
Instead I choose comfort,
and boast pridefully
of the other qualities
I have to offer

Perhaps it's easier
not to be the prettiest girl
to hide behind my bulk
because this is the only way
I've ever known to be

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Living within my limits

What you consider lazy I live as survival
My body doesnt work like yours
If I work to hard I pay for it
Not in a metaphorical life ballance way
But in real life flemmy illness and pain
I dont get to book my day full
Unless I'm willing to crash many after
Took years to accept my limitations
Spent my youth acting physically normal
And then crying when my body rebelled
Wasnt until my thirties that I got a clue
When I finally accepted my limitations
Changed my attitude about my lack
I choose whats important to me
I'm independant and self supporting
I'm proudly working disabled
And, no, I dont have much else
I had to give up the dream of more
To truely appreciate what I have
Stopped focusing on whats missing
And, instead, focus on what I've got.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Rant of exaustion

My body punishes me for surviving
each morning of getting up
each week of going to work.

I'm tired of being tired.
And grounchy at being grumpy.
And worked up about being anxious.

Pain is not a plesant companion.
Discomfort is not desired.
Paranoia can piss off.

All I want is to sleep a couple days
so I can feel a little less extra
be a smidge closer to okay.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

What is happy?

Is happiness content
Like a long slow walk
Or is it bubbling joy
Like a burst of pleasure
I have experienced both
But live with neither
I am unsettled and uneven
Like a well worn road
My discomfort is familiar
Even as it disatisies
I aim for content
Grasping moments of joy
And still dont understand
Exactly what happiness is.