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Friday, December 14, 2018

Not my business

What's said behind my back
Isn't my business
I don't choose to carry anger
Or bitterness in my heart
I can't stop what you think
Anymore than I can guess it
And it isn't my business to know
Unless you are willing to speak up

Its my choice to listen
When criticism is brought to me
But I also choose to decide
If I find truth in those words
When what you say isn't my truth
I chose to stay true to myself
Regardless of what you think

Self regard may not win me popularity
But it makes being alone more bearable.

Not truths

Two faced liar
Peddling half truth
Making passing assurances
Just to shut me up

The lies you tell to others
Disprove the lies you tell me
I see the truth in your actions
Patterns of behavior betray you

I don't understand
The point of your position
How is it you don't learn
Each new time you get caught

Messy webs you weave
Get tangled by your actions
You try to worm your way out
Slither past the mess you've made

Somehow you aren't fazed
As you go on to lie another day.

Friday, November 30, 2018

Forever lie

The lie of forever
Speaks to our lazy soul
Remembering pain of romance
The inevitable end of love
This dank truth we avoid
We focus on a bright illusion
An unfounded certainty
That love will beat the odds
We court cognitive dissonance
Let dopamine rule us

So reality will not intrude
And I cannot fault this act
As the idea of forever comforts
When the reality of now hurts.

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Objectification isn't consent

What a person wears
How a person looks
Why a person chooses
Is not an invitation

Objectification is a thought
It isnt the act taken
The unreality if an object
Does not circumvent consent

Decent human beings
Know that no person is less
Gender doesn't gave hierarchy
No one has the right to harm.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Unnatural nature

If there only were an invisible bubble
That could save me from reactions
That wasn't stuffy and confining
Soft climate control and a low fan
To kept the natural part of nature
Away from my bodies unnatural response

I love the feel of grass under my feet
And the sight of trees above me
And the smell of damp earth
I just don't like the sneezing and sniffles
The next day boogers and phlegm

I resent the swirling air of dust
That irritates on a windy day
Repulsed by the fragrant fermentation
Of earth composting after rain
Surviving the sweet floral smell
Through the sheer act of avoidance

I put a photo of the forrest
On my monitor at home and work
I live vicariously through video
Seeing the world through a small screen
The world I live in may not be ideal
But I choose distance over discomfort.

Monday, August 6, 2018

What greater being than this.


We must ostracize this land
and nullify the bands of secrecy
to bring back what was forgot
in white picketed fantasies
We share this common bond
an ache within the pond of decency
clawing up the river we seek the words
to explain our helot leniency;
Then, ignoring the rational,
abruptly you frighten me
a girl in a forest of feeling
fearing to Be
Should I give all
to this beast you decree
as a shadow of nothing
Yet it cries to me feverently
or shall I call back to it
and seek it as lustily
as you do seek me.

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Romance Eludes Me

I'm caught by the thought;
The more thet know the less they want
Real is only ideal until its boring
Comfort conflicts with commitment

The dance of romance eludes me
The function of seduction is a laugh
The lies that we try just to get by
Are temporary temptations at best

I rebel againt the hell of waining interest
The male gaze doesn't grant me worth
I'm not a damsel in distress to be desired
Somehow I will survive these shallows

I may lament my loneliness
But I refute any reference to deference
I will not be less to catch some quarry
Let them play that sick game without me.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

My art is my priveledge

Sometimes it's about perspective
What we have vs what we don't
I may not have health, physical or mental
I have never been, or known, the idle rich
But I am smart and employed
I have love that encouraged my voice
I comfort myself with my creativity
Sometimes I have to count my dollars
Be careful in my choosing of supplies
But I have more than one canvas
I have more than one paint
I have more than one brush
My art is my priveledge.

Monday, July 23, 2018

In my youth without thought

In appropriate words I cannot think
As words are such but a weak expression
of how this quilted silence lives inside of me
For deeply is she hidden
folded under such darkened velvet
in the quiet recesses of my soul
That I may no longer know her face
And in those delicate hands of youth
She holds a box of memories
that I may never see
For in my bitter misery
I made her hide away from me.

Friday, July 6, 2018

Abject object

Appearance is our first impression
Proceeding words spoken
I aim for clean and cute
I hope for a second consideration

I don't always object to being an object
But the object I don't want to be
Is an object to be owned
An object chassing affection

In my old age, I'm tired of sexy
I'm frustrated by the expectation
I wish my body wasn't a barter
I rebel againt "keeping it up"

I want to be a free range object
Living between "looking nice"
And "keeping a mate"
My style is for my pleasure

Attractive is relative
And personality effects perception
I hope to be disliked for what I say
Not for how I look.

Saturday, June 30, 2018

Every Voice Matters

We get so used to fighting the "them"
That we start to fight our "us"
We waste our time refining "us"
And loose the message to minutia

But it isn't always about one voice
Or one consistent message
The details aren't as important
As the thread that binds us

Our allies make us stronger
Teachers further our message
A chorus makes us louder
Division can only divide us

There is value in varied perspectives
The old voice brings wisdom
The young voice brings change
The dissenting voice brings reflection

A unexpected spark in one person
Grows to a slow burn in the many
Flames can come together as a wildfire
But won't survive if they're doused.

Monday, June 25, 2018

Contrary


Oh little miss contrary
why do we have to compete
they're just words on brittle lips
of minds that don't seem to meet

I wish you would listen
to the words you speak aloud
and see how much they hurt me
when we're standing in a crowd

you don't have to agree
to give my words credit
I wish you'd wear some empathy
even just a little bit

it isn't just what you mean
that matters when you speak
it's what you leave inside of me
that brings the tears I leak

I put in you in the distance now
away from my gentle heart
your casual, cruel, contrary
can't hurt if we're apart.

Monday, June 11, 2018

Little Pieces


Favorable dissection has been wrought on me
a delectable detection of my humanity
The thought was of respect and the truth of fury
but that has yet to give me reason to flee
I've done all this wonder before
the socialization I have to deplore
A gentle reminder of my spawned beginning
when that soft womb made me secure
He held me up into the light
burnt my hand with the burning bulb
told me of this lack of flight
this body does withhold
Bit me off a piece of knowledge
chewed it down to into bone
Look down at the rubbled mess
and pondered wherefore it had come
Wisdom should be something to relish
if logic would not interfere
but love has taken its rightful place
and given me something to fear.

Friday, April 6, 2018

Try and fail

I don't choose a world
of don'ts and can'ts
I live my world in try
and fail and try again
Sometimes I get success
I always get productive.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

To much for a man

If the trick to catch a man
Is to be thin and young and dumb
Then Im not sure there is a man
Im going to try and seek

Im not willing to be submissive
To court or keep a guy
Pleasure and companionship
Can be found other ways

Im fat and old and smart
I like food more than sex
No one will acuse me of being fun
Im at odds with keeping a mate

I wont spend my life
In a perpetual chase
I think I can live without
Yeah, Im better off on my own.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Grief

Grief is an odd thing
like a slap in the face
it's surprises and stings
and leaves a mark

It can come in waves
crashing over us
pulling us under
suffocating under the weight

Other times it's a numbness
as if nothing has changed
but the colors are muted
The day a bit less bright

For a moment it isnt so bad
And then grief sneaks up on us
because it lives with us always
the visits just get less frequent

We go on in this incomplete world
A world that keeps moving
A new day that keeps dawning
We live with what it is.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Happy path

I sometimes wonder
How they cannot see
That investing in anger
Is an act of futility

Anger does not return joy
Or make one better
Rage is the path
To a rancid bitter

Happy is hard
Its a choice of attitude
A habbit of seeking positive
Even when your not in the mood

I dont know whats easier
The happy or angry path
But i know the one ive chosen
And its not one of wrath.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Circus

I never wanted to be a circus clown
to turn the world upside down
with a laugh and a lark

I always wanted them to see me for my mind
and to think about me anytime
when they heard my true voice

the world is more cruel than this
when it doesn't give you beauties kiss
you watch the rest make headway
while you just wait and pray

is yearning the only kind of fever
that will lead me to the place of furvor
where I'll find bright lights on my face

I don't think it's wrong to yearn for
a little recognition for what I make more
than all the other girls

I'm driven to the page
to write down my thoughts about me
even when the rest don't care
I write wishing for a blank stare

My words are all I have, you see
to connect me to this world around me
I wish you could taste them half as much
as you discard them from your touch.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Beautiful

Do I want to be beautiful?
is that a burden I desire
Some might say the answer is easy
that beauty is always preferred

If I have to choose which bigots
feign disgust for me
do I want to be mocked for my form
or restricted to a pedestal

for there are always bigots
always restrictions
beauty wouldn't remove hardship
it would only change the burdens
I have to carry

I'm not ugly, per se,
I have a symmetrical face
fair skin, fair hair,
and sky colored eyes

but I'm large, a girth greater than most
my hair is unconventionally cut
my skin less than flawless
and, worst of all, my movement is stilted
I stumble ungracefully through life

Would I prefer to be thin
to look like a picture in a magazine
so that all the men flock to me
and the women envy

Could I deny myself food
and run myself ragged
spending hours primping
to grasp for that improbable goal?

So far the answer is no,
I do not choose conventional beauty
Instead I choose comfort,
and boast pridefully
of the other qualities
I have to offer

Perhaps it's easier
not to be the prettiest girl
to hide behind my bulk
because this is the only way
I've ever known to be

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Living within my limits

What you consider lazy I live as survival
My body doesnt work like yours
If I work to hard I pay for it
Not in a metaphorical life ballance way
But in real life flemmy illness and pain
I dont get to book my day full
Unless I'm willing to crash many after
Took years to accept my limitations
Spent my youth acting physically normal
And then crying when my body rebelled
Wasnt until my thirties that I got a clue
When I finally accepted my limitations
Changed my attitude about my lack
I choose whats important to me
I'm independant and self supporting
I'm proudly working disabled
And, no, I dont have much else
I had to give up the dream of more
To truely appreciate what I have
Stopped focusing on whats missing
And, instead, focus on what I've got.

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Rant of exaustion

My body punishes me for surviving
each morning of getting up
each week of going to work.

I'm tired of being tired.
And grounchy at being grumpy.
And worked up about being anxious.

Pain is not a plesant companion.
Discomfort is not desired.
Paranoia can piss off.

All I want is to sleep a couple days
so I can feel a little less extra
be a smidge closer to okay.

Thursday, February 1, 2018

What is happy?

Is happiness content
Like a long slow walk
Or is it bubbling joy
Like a burst of pleasure
I have experienced both
But live with neither
I am unsettled and uneven
Like a well worn road
My discomfort is familiar
Even as it disatisies
I aim for content
Grasping moments of joy
And still dont understand
Exactly what happiness is.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Kind Atheist

I am an unwavering atheist
No faith and no spritality in me
But I would never wish to remove
The innocent belief of another

How cruel a person I would be
To wish someone loose faith
Just so they don't contradict
My strongly held worldview

I dont care how you find comfort
In this random and uncaring world
If it doent harm you or another
I encourage any peace you can keep

The only part of faith and belief
I can always disagree with
Is that which harms or shames
Or forces itself onto another

I am not an unkind person
Some even call me empathetic
My lack of belief and faith
Doesnt make me a less caring human.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Painfully human

Being human hurts peoples feelings
When I treat you like I wanna be treated
Golden rule doen't account for difference
When I treat you as you expect
Platinum rule doesnt teach difference
When I act without reflecting
I'm almost guarenteed to hurt another
There is no rule for just being ourselves
No rule that will stop unintentional hurt
So like a gentle bull in a china shop
I am myself but try not to harm
I know being me is right for me
But may not be what others need.