Sunday, May 28, 2017

maybe I do.

maybe I do think I'm better
that I deserve more
than casual relationships
with casual friends
that are casual with me

my feeling aren't casual
they deserve due diligence and gentle care
I'm strong and tough and sure of myself
but when I let someone in
I let them past my armor
and leave myself defenseless
in their presence

the problem with vulnerability
is that it means someone can break you
a passing word or meaningless action
can pierce you to the core
and when people are casual
they don't think to walk carefully
or make an effort to not break
the things around them

it always surprises me
how my friends can be so careful
with material possessions
but, at the same time,
how they can be so careless
with the people in their lives
that they profess love for

I want to know that my counterparts
will put in the work it takes
Any athlete knows that it takes work
to become great at something
and only when you're great at that thing
does it start to look effortless
Is it so wrong of me
to think that my friends
should be that well versed
in the sport of friendship?

maybe I'm a weirdo
for thinking my friends
should be nicer to me
than they would be to a stranger

before now, I didn't consider
what it meant when I was accused
of acting like I was "better than"
I cringed at the accusation
because I don't think I deserve anymore
than everyone else in the world
I don't put myself up high
on some sort of pedestal

I think everyone deserves
a friend that'll put in the work
someone that won't take them for granted
or assume they'll be around
that'll ask them what they think
and care about how they feel

and, if that means,
that everyone thinks
I consider myself I'm better than
then I'll just feel sad
because they don't get it
There's something better to be had
and if you don't grasp for it
you'll be stuck with the suck
instead of bathing in greatness.