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Sunday, December 17, 2017

Change happens

Change isnt for the better
Its random and messy
It sneaks up on a person
Long time coming and suddenly here

Change isnt for the worst
Its personal evolution
Unexpected metamophisis
Waking up with a point-of-view

Change is rarely a choice
People dont change when they try
They change because life happens
Because you can't escape growth

Change is a netural force
It is both big and small
You cant capture or avoid it
But you can learn to acept it.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Boredom escapes me

I don't understand boredom
Not as more than a fleeting concept
How can anyone miss
All the things to learn and try
There is a never-ending list
Pick a random unexplored topic
And I fall down a rabbit hole
The minutia can fill a lifetime
I don't think I have enough life
To explore all subjects
So, I settle on fleeting passions
Topped off by well researched interests
But I still struggle to understand
How people find time for boredom.

Friday, November 17, 2017

I choose my attitude

This body didn't come with a return policy
I didn't get to choose its defects
Neither did I choose my circumstances
In how I was raised or where I came from
This is the life I was given

I could lament the randomness
And spend my days bemoaning
Because my life is often not easy
Everyday is tainted by struggles
That don't seem to be the norm

In one way I lucked out
Exposed to two versions of suffering
One who pained all those around her
Another who choose a better attitude
I got to learn there is a choice

I dont want to pass around my pain
And this isnt always an easy achievement
Sometimes discomfort makes me silent
But when I can, I choose plesant
I aim to be a brighter presence

There are things in life
I did not choose and cannot change
But my attitude is not one of those
I decide my small affect on this world
With a smile instead of a grimace.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Same and different

Young people are assholes
Not on purpose, mind you
Their honesty is oblivious
They dont have years of experience
To explain others behavior
They blithely assume
That we are all the same
They are ignorant to difference
Until someone teaches them
That all snowflakes are frozen water
But each one has a unique design
And we humans live in that contrast
Each of us the same and different.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Refuse the hunt

Men are predators
They hunt everyday
Sex is their game
And I dont wanna play

Boys are taught to dominate
Early in their youth
Girls romance about rescue
Despite its ugly truth

I dont blame their nature
But I expect them to be tame
We have a choice in behavior
Respect comes with refrain

I will not blame victims
I will not excuse perpatrators
But perhaps I will shame society
For raising boys into a rapers.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

My insides don't match your outsides

I'm told not to compare
Focus on the same, not different
But when I get close to someone
The stories they share are foreign
A world a part from where I live
Are their stories all lies?
Some partial truth hiding harsh reality
Or am I terminally unique?
So special that I really can't relate
I know I'm not the only wierd ever
But I am wierder than most
I romantacize meeting my weird match
Another wierd that sounds familiar
The right amount of wierd, together.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Feminist stand

It seems silly
That a woman being strong
And speaking out for women
Is seen as confrontational
And taken as an offense

They treat our power as a challenge
Like they think we want to win
As if were trying to replace them
When in reality we want respect
We want to stand beside them

Maybe its fear of the difference
Because female strength is new
We can get the same things done
But we may not take the same path
We will not defer to the old way

The thing that irks me the most
Is I'm trying to understand them
Im trying to make it easier for them
Even as they throw shade
On my burgeoning power.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Living Road

Faded black pavement
White stripes directing
Analog road to elsewhere
Flock of vehicles
Construction gets in the way
Making the drive longer
Trapped in my metal cage
Feeling tight with expectation
Someday I'll get home
To the cool stillness.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

About being different


Some of us are outliers
We hear the voices around us
Telling stories of life
And those tales do not match
The world we live in

There is a kind of silence
A solitude in difference
As speaking our abnormal
Is shocking to be heard
Even when to us
Its comfortably familiar

Conforming doesnt comfort
It chafes againt our unique
We stand to one side
Just outside the crowd
Looking for another deviant
To bond with

Not all of us are normal
But all of us have value
A place within this world
Even if only to define
The norm of all the rest.

Friday, July 28, 2017

You might hate me

I embody percived stigma
My health is not well
My choice is no children
My weight is not thin
My religion is lacking
My sexuality is fluid
You might be shocked
By my authentic self
But I am not ashamed
I reject the stigma
I dont internalize the norm
I accept me for who I am.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Large lady

I take up space
Fill a room with my presence
My arms and legs sprawled
Loud voice across the room
Wide hips staining my chair

I am a large woman
In size and confidence
I'm not afraid to speak up
I'm not afraid to be silent
I speak when I want to

It's hard for me to understand
Being small or unseen
I am not a delicate flower
I'm a gaudy boquet
Big and bright and seen.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Ex

I miss the old you
The person you were before
He was kind and considerate
He wasn't so angry

But I dont miss old me
Now I know what I want
I'm on a happy path
I dont want to go back

I know we both changed
Our paths diverged
We became different people
We are no longer a match

I will not let recent bad memories
Erase all the good ones
I wish the best for each of us
As we go into the future seperately.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Frantic whispers

The high pitched shuffle
Of voices repressed
Makes my ears twitch
Anxiety wonders
who is the subject
Of frantic whispers
The incomplete phrazes
Vaugely hinting at a topic
and the longer I overhear
I cant help but imagine
They're somehow talking about me
When all I really know
Is they're talking near me.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Viewpoints

I dated a blind guy once
He needed everything neat and orderly
So he could memorize where to go
I tried to keep things orderly
So he could get around
I was exausted trying to keep up
Mess is a symptom of my fatigue
He literally tripped over my disability
I learned that we can have the same label
But still have a very different experience.

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Disposable girl

I grew up in a disposable world
With an expiration date
And better just around the bend
We're all replaced, eventually

I wish there was a way
To love insensely, to love freely
Without feeling miserable
When that love isn't returned

I was a sesitive kid
So it always confused me
When my friends got new friends
And stopped spending time with me

And as a teen I felt slighted
When I was adored one moment
Treated like a bright and shiney
And then ignored the next

As an adult I was estranged
Rejected by my own blood
Family told me I wasnt wanted
Left me to fend for myself

But the greatest betrayal
Was undoubtedly my spouse
The person who knew me best
Who eventually stopped loving me

I cannot  claim innocence
As i have protected my heart
Refused those who are inconsistant
Rejected those who imply I'm less

My love can be intense and clingy
My honesty can scare away
But I refuse to pretend im someone else
Just to keep lonliness at bay.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Not sexy

I am liberated from sexy
Too old and fat and proud
To be anyones objectification

So much easier to be a feminist
When men don't acknowlede me
And women don't think me competition

If all you see is my imperfect exterior
and you can't get past my gender
Then I've escaped your attention

My desirability no longer defines me
I choose my brain and selfesteme
And therin lies my freedom.








Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Art without audience


Why do I persist
When there is no audience
To drink up my performance

I put myself into words
A product of my narcisism
Weaving my reality into art

There is no money to be had
As my truth rings true
Only for the few

My name has no fame
As I fail the social game
Unable to sell myself

There is the possibility
That my art is apauling
And lacks the key to longevity

All thats left is myself
Flailing at the vast expanse
Creating for my own pleasure

Of course I desire an audience
But I compulsively persist in my art
Even when no one cares to see.

Monday, May 29, 2017

More than sex

I'm tired of having my worth defined
By my performance as a sexual being
I rebel against the idea
That the value of my presence
Is intertwined with physical intimacy
I'm confounded that sexual satisfaction
Is the litmus test of a lasting relationship
Any sexually aware person knows that
Orgasms are cheap and easy to attain
And the fact that I'm sex positive
Doesnt mean I'm eager to provide service
I'm not interested in being hunter or prey
Or at keeping some faux mystery alive
If anything, my ability to satisfy myself
Means I'm lonely for non-sexual touch
I'm eager for comfort and familiarity
I want something more in a partner
Than a really good fuck.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

What's wrong?

what's wrong
with a little social science
a couple of words
to a psychiatrist

who's to say
that empirical data
is faulty at the core
our impressions don't matter

my words
mean more than just me
they can have meaning
without a PhD

so don't throw
your doubt and dissention
as proof that my words
don't deserve attention

if the game is to win
there'll always be someone more right
if the point is to think
then you're the looser
for trying to pick a fight.

Unto this flame...

Percolating bodily orifices
striving to bring me down
into this frightening pit
flaming underground,
The sky might seem to sunny
as to stifle my arrogant need
what I'd give to see the sunlight
off this dark and dismal steed,
It draws me in the morning
and fills the afternoon
prolonging this evident torture
of a deathless, surreal, cartoon;
I am not the only sinner
to never deny my need
but could you please forgive me
so I may continue my deeds.

Understanding

the ones that get it
are far and few between
but at least they are
exactly as they seem

the ones that try to get it
often fail in their attempt
and the wrongness in their trying
is only sometimes apparent

the ones that think their right
are a dime a dozen to find
and only a few of those
feign they're broader of mind

then there are the righteous
that instruct on who is right
they irk the kindest of souls
and make us all want to fight

In the end I count on one hand
people near and dear to me
that see what I see
and accept who I be

Perhaps my luck in life
Is to have more than one
Who tells me being myself is right
and their judgement is wrong.

Twirl ducts

Twirl ducts
sopped in water
as I may wander
in reminiscence

In a world of wonder
neurosis fodders this mind
and braids my consciousness
in complicated patterns

Has the thought
crossed your sky
that you were not safe
not a place I could cry

There's value in reflection
but what isn't real
disolves as transparent
under grasping hands

Awareness is brought.

Sad little boys

sad little boys
with their pathetic insults
trying to make big of themselves
by making small of me

if only I were impressed
instead of amused
by their laughable attempts
to bruise my ego

I could respond
and give them power
or I can ignore
and remove their bluster

if only I was concerned
by small minds
and petty words
such that I was moved

but I'm not

instead, I'm tickled
by their persistence
and spurned on
by their stupidity

their insults
are my own words
do they not realize,
I beat them to the punch?

what they consider insult
I consider fact
what they accuse me of
I embrace with pride

I may cockblock their dogedness
as I'm moved to laughter
but I won't feign to fart
at such pitiable overtures

sad little boys
so small and unimportant
I rouse them to anger
while they rouse me to laugh.

Probability of Niceness

To some it seems inconceivable
that an atheist like myself
could be more ethical than most

you would think that religion
the great doctrine of many
would lead the rest of the world
to a place of serene coexistence

yet, I find that I'm the one
thinking about my actions
and considering the many benefits
of kindness and consideration

while my religious peers
give into their baser impulses
then ask forgiveness for their acts
because God will understand
if your sorry afterwards

I have to live with my actions
and wonder if I did wrong by another
without any book to guide me
or priest to hear my confession

I have to think of how I acted
and ask if there were choices I made
where I could have chosen different
and hurt others less

I have to sort out my hypocrisy
without a get-out-of-jail-free card

I choose logic to guide me
because the numbers say it best
the mathematicians know why
you find me more nice than mean
it's all about probability
and the chance of a positive return

there's evidence to my point
that people are more likely to be nice
if you're nice to them first

sure, it's a crapshoot
there are no guarantees in this life
you may roll the dice and find
yourself on the loosing side
of another persons bad day

but the odds are in your favor
when you play the game
with a positive perspective

many mistake kindness for naiveté
and align forgiving with forgetting
but good guy's don't have to be stupid
if you're smart you'll know the boundary
between kindness and inviting abuse

dare I suggest that you think a little
that you aim for doing what's right
for some other reason than the old standby
that someone else told you to

there may be power in cruelty
but I think there's something more profound
to be gotten out of a stray smile,
a kind word, and a little consideration
for your fellow human being.

My hearts greatest irony

This is not about soot
for then the fire must have died
but instead about the wind
as it cools this overheated flame

The room was filled with smoke
before we noticed the blaze
and yet we piled the wood
onto its billowing wings

I would not contradict
its beauty throughout it's ire
while still predicting the wish
to tame what I have named
The Fire

So please understand my wish
for one half is dark, coals and ashes
while the other retains its brightness
as it try's to burn higher.

maybe I do.

maybe I do think I'm better
that I deserve more
than casual relationships
with casual friends
that are casual with me

my feeling aren't casual
they deserve due diligence and gentle care
I'm strong and tough and sure of myself
but when I let someone in
I let them past my armor
and leave myself defenseless
in their presence

the problem with vulnerability
is that it means someone can break you
a passing word or meaningless action
can pierce you to the core
and when people are casual
they don't think to walk carefully
or make an effort to not break
the things around them

it always surprises me
how my friends can be so careful
with material possessions
but, at the same time,
how they can be so careless
with the people in their lives
that they profess love for

I want to know that my counterparts
will put in the work it takes
Any athlete knows that it takes work
to become great at something
and only when you're great at that thing
does it start to look effortless
Is it so wrong of me
to think that my friends
should be that well versed
in the sport of friendship?

maybe I'm a weirdo
for thinking my friends
should be nicer to me
than they would be to a stranger

before now, I didn't consider
what it meant when I was accused
of acting like I was "better than"
I cringed at the accusation
because I don't think I deserve anymore
than everyone else in the world
I don't put myself up high
on some sort of pedestal

I think everyone deserves
a friend that'll put in the work
someone that won't take them for granted
or assume they'll be around
that'll ask them what they think
and care about how they feel

and, if that means,
that everyone thinks
I consider myself I'm better than
then I'll just feel sad
because they don't get it
There's something better to be had
and if you don't grasp for it
you'll be stuck with the suck
instead of bathing in greatness.

Lick

lick your lips
for me

I can't reach
across the distance
to where you are

Space may separate us
but my thoughts
are with you still

I may lay awake
imagining
your body close
warm flesh against mine
that I love so dear

Taste them
and tell me
how it feels
as if I were there
to lick them
for you.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Whine

Why do I whine
it doesn't make any more time
or really change the situation

but it's a release
it pops the bubble I keep
a balloon inside of me

my attitude is my worth
to keep me floating along
and singing a happy song

so what is right
about letting my voice go high
entering into a sigh

except to move on later
let go of what was dragging
so I can float by

maybe there is some point
to making a sour face
as long as I know it's place

today I cry out sourly
for the things I can't have
grump for only a moment, dourly

so tomorrow I can embrace
the world with a happy face
and no more wine to indulge

Decisive

I made a choice
it wasn't a hard choice
I wanted to love my life
to live it like I want
instead of follow another path

I live my choice
it isn't easy to live
to be content instead of comfortable
to be fulfilled instead of rich
sometime it's so hard
I wish I could wish again

But I stick with it
I play the game
and sometimes win
just the same, my tears
they mark the hardest part
and my happiness the best

I never feel like my life
was chosen by another
or regret that I choose
instead of throwing my choice away
but it's hard
sometimes real hard
to have what I want
and live in this world.

Bright Sad

bright boys eat
whatever may come
because they can't see
what they've done

sad girls lay
with limbs open wide
because they think life
isn't a word to be tried

don't go there
said the men to the boys
what those girls offer
isn't all fun and joy

dust yourself off
say's the ladies to the girls
keep those secrets sacred
and boys'll give you the world

here I stand alone
not sure what to say
struck by the awareness
that sex isn't a game you play.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Almighty father

I don't need a big daddy
Who knows everything I do
Makes me beg for his attention
While demanding unwavering loyalty

I don't want an absentee father
That never speaks directly
And yet managed to dictate rules
Put on paper eons before I was born

I'm supposed to want a papa
But I'm not yearning to be overseen
Or pining for the scales of afterlife
Heaven seems boring and hell unfair

Perhaps my atheism is feminist
Because religion seems male to me
Just like I don't need a man in my life
I don't choose an almighty father

Stranger danger

Dear stranger
I wish you didn't make me uncomfortable
And I wish I didn't expect the worst
But instant excitement scares me
And your attention puts me at unease
At first my bold ways titlate
Often the idea of me seems to appeal
But as time passes I hear judgement
Those less than subtle hints
Criticim meant to be constructive
Suggesting I become more acceptable
That I'd be better off a little less special
But I am not the kind who tries to fit
I was raised to like myself
To embrace my authenticity
Your fleeting affection is no match
For my persistent sense of self
You can't coerce me into normal
This is the curse of an iconoclast
More lonely in a crowd of strangers
Than sitting alone with myself.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Malleable memory

Memory is malleable by design
We remember things imagined
Wake up from realistic dreams
This is more than poetic
It is science fact
I am not trying to steal
The truth of things remembered
Because truth isn't fact
We recall the the experience of then
Seen through the understanding of now
My mind wants to believe it's constant
It can't refute the influence of time
It can't see the subtle changes in me
I know NOW like it was always
Caught rapt in the reality of today
My experience does not match yours
It's a distorted window at best
Our very personal perceptions
Woven into a tapestry of experience
Sealed in an ever changing vault
So I try not to let the weight of time
Turn all my memories sour
If I must live with a malliable memory
Then I choose a gentler interpretation
A rose colored hue on my soft focus past.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Webble wobble

Inner ear ineffective
Unsteadily upright
Firmly flat feet
Waddle wobble walk
Balance broken
Grace goes gone
Dropping down
Suddenly sitting
Pause petulantly
Ready for repeat



Tuesday, April 11, 2017

What haves?

I didn't have a picket fence
Or two parents
Or a childhood home
I knew love but not constancy

I did have a loving mother
And thirst for knowledge
And blanket acceptance
I was taught authenticity

The things that make me weird
Nearly balance my normal
I understand what I didn't have
I rejoice in what I did.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Persistently plesant

Sure, nice people are fake
A momentary annoyance hidden
A fleeting judgement repressed
We make an effort to brighten the world
That doesn't happen naturally

The world is a random place
Its easy to find harsh reality
Nice people defy that expectation
We know a smile is infectious
One good apple brightens the bunch

So, yeah, I am persistently pleasant
Like a sunny spot on cool grass
I don't have to try hard
Because my nice is a habit
Something I've cultivated in myself

So I put a smile on
And I encourage the room
Because I like to live in a nice world
And if nice is bad because fake is bad
Then call me bad, but nicely please.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Eating the colors

Putting things in order
A little piece of peace
Candy colors in a row
Eat them by the number

OCD they tease
Observing my routine
as if playing with my food
says something about me

maybe I'm odd
making patterns from chaos
I agree I find comfort
In structure and design

Candies are gone
but I'll do it again
lining up the colors
and eating the pattern

Supposing naught sin

She licked her lower lip
Like there was something to suppose
A question not so often asked
Of chubby girls or loose women
Is it contained between chaste thighs
The sweet innocence of always?
Can knowing what we know
be a woman's wrath at redemption?
The confusion is not within
We know we are both, not other
A sin is only a sin when defined
A lover must be loved by another.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Oh gender role

Oh men...
The strong ones subjugate
And the weak ones prostrate
And the lack of equanimity
Leaves me at a loss

Oh women...
The powerful ones manipulate
And the quiet ones regulate
We are our own enemy
In the game of equality

Oh me oh my...
At times I'm girly and silly
Or boyish and rough
Or womanly and gentile
Or manly and strong

Oh gender role...
The world is hard enough
Without your restrictive decree
My gender may be female
But my personality is made of me

Foggy

Fluffy fog
Thick cotton air
Tastes like wet
Smells like cold
The world lacks depth
Eyes strain for distance
Romantic lens
Comedic pratfall

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Lazy brain

Dull thud
As the brain gives up
In a fit of lazy

It oozes down
Softly pooling as mushy grey
Undimpled ignorance

Its not natural
A lack of intellectual ciriosity
The synaptic silence

Inertia is inevitable
But comes more quickly
When unchallenged

Sunday, January 8, 2017

After the ever

She always knew she'd get married
but was unprepared to be divorced
The end came out of nowhere
After a slow road of decline

They felt superior to other couples
Like they shared a special secret
All their faults were somehow perfect
They were a match like no other

The dream felt permanent
When she was in the middle of it
She knew he loved her like no other
There was never a doubt of her in him

Until the day when he was different
When she felt alone in his presence
And the love she knew for certain
Was shadowed by heavy doubt

No girl dreams of divorce
No woman hopes to end up alone
None of us try to imagine
What comes after forever

The surprise was after the end
She didn't enjoy being divorced
But she liked not not existing for him
Being for herself was enough.