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Monday, October 24, 2016

The lie of normal

I'm an ordinary girl
I tell myself
Just like any other girl
Everyone feels like they don't belong
That's what they say
The grand them of authority
The nameless dominance of normal
It all feels like a lie
A lie from them to calm me
A lie I'm supposed to tell myself
A lie my true self rejects
At least one thing is true
everyone around me
is too wrapped up in their own shit
to notice me loosing mine.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Fat acceptance

My fat is political
I dont restrict calories
I don't talk dieting
I have no plans to change

If you think fat is a personality deficit
If you can't get past appearance
If you are simply repulsed
Then my fat is a barrier

I won't bond over self hate
I don't buy into the shame
I refuse to fight my body
I'm not spending my life hungry

I deliberately defy convention
I eat in public
I wear cute outfits
I'm bright and smiling and fat

My body is a protest
My personality a gift
I accept my size
I love myself

I wish the same for you.


Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Born a blue baby

Struggling for breath
Flemmy even then
Used to wail to be fed
Mom'd serve me
Choke on my snot
Throw up what I ate
Mom cleaned me up
And I'm wailing again
Babies don't choose
Breath or hunger.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Labels

Fat, sick, poor, slut
Accepting my nonstandard body
Living within physical limitations
Finding joy in simplicity
Embracing my female power

Happy with who I am.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Layover girl

I never wanted to be a layover girl
to fill a space in your bed
while you waited for her

She's the one you want
that girl you haven't met yet
the perfect ideal of a girl

you think me easy
that I'm eager to keep you company
while you're waiting

but I want to be special
A girl above the rest
not a body to fill a space

I deserve more
Than to be here for your comfort
and to make you feel at ease

I'm not a tossed away thought
or a comic side story
for you to tell later

so I'm not gonna hold your hand
and be your inbetween
while you dream of the right one

because I'm somebody elses girl
Who want's more than my layover
I just haven't met them yet.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Smile anyway

Most of us struggle
At some point
Trauma doesn't discriminate
And life isn't fair

There is worth
In being authentic
You have a right to feel
Especially when things suck

The question is
What do you hold onto?
Do you linger on the negative?
Or do you move on?

Its easy to choose bitter
Bad memories pile up
And effectively suffocate
The good ones

The hard choice
Is to choose happiness
To revisit the positive
And forget the bad luck

Some consider it fake
Forcing a smile
But I find the smile lingers
Even when I force it

A positive attitude
Won't change reality
But it will change
How you feel

Life sucks,
Smile anyway.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Wo-MAN-liness

If only manly traits
Were sexy in a woman
I'm smart, funny, and confident
I have a job and I'm ambitious
I'd make a great husband

But, as a woman,
I'm perceived as bitchy
And pushy and weird
I'm not pretty enough
I'm not docile enough
I'm not an object of desire

The flip side?
Being unattractive
Means I'm not prey
Men don't catcall
They don't leer
They don't stalk
At worst they ridicule

But I'm confident enough
That I don't care
I'd rather be happy with me
Than try to be someone else.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

My subjective perception

It hurts when you question
My perception
While it's true
You may know fact better
You can't know what I feel
Or what I experience
Better than I
No one can dictate
My subjective perception
I own that
Just the same
As you know you

Friday, February 26, 2016

Brainfog

My memory is muddled
Like a dirty pond
My conciseness affected
Flirting with delirium
Better living through chemistry
Is my way to clarity
It doesn't mean party drugs
Or avoiding my reality
I fight the dissociative
Cling to sharp moments
I can't imagine
Trying to be muted
But this isn't my choice
My body fights pain
By removing memory
The wipe isn't selective
One moment naiveté like a newborn
The next wise from trauma
I don't get to know what is lost
I don't get to decide what is kept
Loosing words and thoughts
Not remember the details
Sure makes harsh reality
look better than lost reality.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Correction

I'd rather know what's true
That to stubornly act right
I never did understand
How admitting our mistakes
Is taken as weakness
Bravery is asking for more information
Confirming what you do or don't know

I don't live in black and white
Fact is proven theory
But theory can be disproved
Additional minutia can be discovered
A theory can be proven again

The details make a difference
My apple may be green
Your apple may be red
Were both talking about apples
And yet one is tart and the other sweet

If I take a beat
Admit to my limited scope
Review my assumptions
Ask about your apple
Maybe I could learn
Maybe we could communicate

If I still think you're wrong
I can always build my case
Show the proof of my position
Or I could choose to back off
Because it's not my responcibility
To make you right

Knowing what's true often means
Admitting I'm could be wrong
And being open to learning right.

Monday, February 22, 2016

Accepting the difference

No once chooses their trauma
Or wants to be always set apart
The idea that rape is a lie
Or disability is a lie
Or inequality is a lie
Is a misunderstanding
A lack of exposure
A lack of experience
We disenfranchised
Are seen in extremes
Either saintly courage
Or sinful weakness
The extremes make us seperate
Place us outside the norm
Some of us wear our label proudly
To refute the silence
To refuse the loneliness
Despite a lack of reward
Making it known is judged harshly
When, in truth, attention seekers are rare
But are no less damaged
Because no one chooses their trauma
No one chooses to always feel apart

If we are lucky find self-acceptance
We find others who make us feel normal
We make the best of what we didn't choose.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Finding happy

Money won't make you happy
But poverty will make you miserable
Struggling to survive is the worst
But excess is too much
The median is where we do best

People can't make you happy
But loneliness will tear you down
We are hard wired for companionship
And, yet, can feel lonely in a crowd
We need those deep connections

Priveledge can't bring happiness
Any more than being disenfranchised
Most of us carry some burden
We can try to see what we have
and acknowledge what we dont.

The lesson I learn, everyday,
Is happiness isn't a destination
It's bright moments on the journey
We can adjust our attitude
We can embrace fleeting moments
We can choose to recognize our happy

The grass is greenest where we water it.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Anxious


Suspended above my wakeful brain
Invisible threads of dread
Playing my mind as a marionette
Spinning the worst-case scenario
My awareness is blithely unaware
Until I lay in bed, waiting for sleep
Then a play is put into production
It's bright in the darkness
Loud in the silence
I regret what I don't regret
I question what I'm sure of
I wish that I could go to sleep
Because the inconsistency is fleeting
A new morning brings a sharp mind
No longer muddled by rumination
Rest washes away the anxiety
Gives me a clean slate
If only night didn't stand in the way
Of that clear new day.

Friday, February 12, 2016

Invisibility

I know you don't understand
I'm not sure you ever will
This isn't something you can teach
Because this isn't teachable
I struggle even to explain
Your privaeledge is in the way
But i don't hold that against you
No one wants this experience
No one chooses this reality
It is forced upon us unlucky
And there's nothing fair about it
I'm sad my truth is in the way of us
I'm resigned to the distance it creates
But I'm also proud of myself
For being honest about my world
Even if that makes you uncomfortable.