not us or them

I'm okay with me or you

But not okay with us or them

I can choose who is in my life

Decide that a person is not good for me

But when a group decides to ostracize

They are making me choose 

Between my independence and community

They are trying to control me and you

And the answer to that is easy

I'd rather be lonely as one

than be a part of the mean many.

Stubborn self-esteem

Is this confidence or stubbornness

Self-esteem or refusing to hear criticism

It's true I dig in my heels

I don't care to make strangers happy

I expect to be loved as I am

So, if the result is that I am me

The most uncompromising me I can be

Does it matter how I got there?

Voices in the electric void

A million strangers can hear my voice

As I speak into the electric void

Monologing to an unseen audience 

Confiding secrets to the world

I sing a song of myself

Speaking my cringy truth

Leading through honest example

Hoping that variety becomes familiar

Exposing my authentic self

Without an agenda for return

Is somehow less lonesome

Then silently living a false identity.

let's skip romance

Finding sex is easy

Fleeting romance is easy

But the boring parts are hard to find

I want to skip the chase and mystery

Head straight for comforting commitment

Where my best friend loves my flaws

I won't provide one sided worship

and I can't conform to convention

I'm looking for someone like me

A confident snowflake of similar design.

men don't get it

It's impossible to change another

Arguing they should alter their beliefs

Only makes them dig their heels in

Suggesting they harm unintentionally

Makes them argue their innocence

And the worst offenders are men

Men are taught to win at all costs

To fight any chance they get

They are taught power is a priority

Never compromise and avoid compassion

Because those are womanly traits

And women are the opposite of men

So, a feminist trying to speak to a man

Is fighting both nature and nurture

Nature that makes humans resist change

Nurture that taught men to never loose

I don't hold hope for my generation of men

Maybe we can teach the next batch

I don't want men to be my enemy

But I also don't think we owe them sex

All boys are accountable for their behavior

Rape is inexcusable, consent is required

Cheating and lying are intentional

Gender isn't an excuse for wrong behavior.

#chronicillnesswarior

Often my existence feels like a war

With myself and the world

Seeing the disbelief when I share

Because I don't look unwell

Being told to "win" at health

like I'm in control of my body

Arguing for assistance or help

From systems that believe I'm lying

Being told it's in my head

like I can think away the sick

I'm so tired of being in battle

I get to choose when I fight

Whatever is broken in me

Be it my body or my mind

Today I choose radical acceptance 

It's time for some boring peace.

#womensupportingwomen

To all the beautiful women

All the smart and successful ladies

All the fit and fabulous females

I want those things for you

sometimes, I may feel lessor

when I commit the sin of comparison

But I will never try to tear you down

I will lift you up any chance I get

We all deserve to feel proud and powerful

And I wish those feelings things for you

with the same fierce ferocity

That I aim for them myself.

all the years

all the years

compounded by all those tears

made real by persistent memories

and lessons hard learned

lead to now

it's easier to doubt

when the world is so harsh

and the people inconsistent

their rational mislead

than to hold onto youthful optimism

I thought this was growth

the growing up part

we're told it's a good thing

that it leads to wisdom

and self-assurance

but sometimes it feels like a cancer

a malignant mass of memories

an awareness that the world isn't pure

and even the good things

are tainted by good meaning

it's the one's that think best

that know without doubt

and know their right

no matter what

those zealots, they truly scare me

so, what has age given me?

but an awareness that faith

is so frail, so delicate

that it often disintegrates

in the face of reality

The hopefulness of youth

is being beat down

by the doubt of age

because truth is a harsh mistress. 

Clique

Do you know what I hate

that feeling that creeps up inside me

the knowledge that I can't read your mind

It's built on a foundation of insecurity

and the thoughts I've let stray

I have to count on you loving me

even if you never say

after years of words passed 

between our lips on the air

I see it stalking me in the distance

that ugliness called fear

There isn't one heart here

there's ten, maybe twenty

a heard of things unspoken

and the decisions you've made about me

without even consulting me

It's paranoia.  After all these years

to think my forest might leave me

the insanity that stalks me

to believe your actions might change

when you walk around me, consistently.

If I were pleading to one person

one mind or one soul, perhaps they're be hope

instead I plea to the lot of you

the group of you, the family I've made

Don't leave me. 

a plan calms me

I was raised by mental illness

By generations of childhood trauma

Where calm is the eye of a storm

There was little consistency

A new adventure everyday

But we were just surviving

Now I rebel against that chaos

I'm calmed by rules spoken

Soothed by expectations made clear

I'm comforted by knowing my plan.

a day

Parking lot paved with crushed pebble feet

Hot sun sinks in a black pavement

roll them rubber soles 

hood for another day

I can't see my hands for the brightness

Brush against her hand, wonder if it's mine

give me a smile, a thought

I know where we're going

broken toes and aching arches

stabbed on a curb by my best friend

so, she sighs in exhaustion

Holed up in a room, tired from the day

smiles on my face and a memory. 

wishing I was a comet

"Who am I?"
We all ask this
At one time or another
Sometimes this answer comes swiftly
Easily based on my sense of self
"Who am I to them?"
That's a tough question
I swirl around the question
Like a planet in orbit
Hoping I can become a comet
Break free from painful confusion
Because the Sun is doesn't answer
It's a taciturn "them" that won’t say
Even if I ask directly
So, I live comfortable in myself
But uncomfortable in the world. 

embracing the label

To not be seen a looser
I have to choose to be a winner
But who am I trying to impress
Who gets to decide the rules
What if I'm an independent thinker
What if I decide not to compete
Instead, can I live the label
Can I defy the game they're playing
Accepting some might call me a looser
Because I'm happy being my weird self.

happy to say i walked away

Words like "angry", "resentful", "righteous"
Group think makes them infectious
One bad apple spoils the bunch
One mean girl sets the tone
When ladies gang up, I don't take part
If a friend is cruel, I rethink that friend
I may not fight for what's right
But I don't put up with what's wrong
My silence and absence is active
Being right can be lonely
But I won't let ugly infect me

the on thing I can say is
I'm brave enough to walk away.

three boys

I lost my innocence to three boys

One who kissed my best friend

One who dared me in the dark

And one who presumed marraige

The first boy was my first crush

He kissed her because I dared him

I wanted him to dare me back

But their kiss became the story

The second boy liked me first

He dared me to grope him

Mother interrupted our daring

He lost interest soon after

The third boy was actually my first

First kiss, first love, first fuck

After my deflowering he declared marriage

But I had a world of fucks ahead of me

I'm not sure I had innocence

That I lost or they stole

Three boys took what I offered

I eagerly sought what they gave.

feelings together

Trapped a feeling

Put it into words

Shared it online

So your feelings

Would have company.

letting myself cry

Tears washed out the chemicals in my brain

Poured out the feeling making me insane

Couldn't stop the world from spinning

But lifted the weight pinning me down

Tommorow the world gets heavy, again

But tonight I sleep a little lighter.

hold my hand in the aftermath

I can be my own prince

Drag my own ass out of the fire

Make my own money

Buy my own toys

But its lonely on my own

I wish I had a man to hold my hand

To listen after I've taken care of business

Who wants my strong and mighty self

Even when I'm not pretty or girly

I want to loved, not saved.

fat hurts less

How do I explain

Why I live in this body 

Why I don't starve

Maybe rejection stings

Maybe ugly isn't awesome

But I can't escape allergic

When my skin aches

With general discomfort

Everything is swollen

And exercise hurts

Food is medicine

Food feels good

Drugs dull the mind

I want to live awake

Weight is the lessor evil

Fat hurts less.

all my jiggle

Double chin

Whitchy wart

Jelly belly

Cheese thighs

Soft squishy

Warm cuddly

Massive me

Taking space.

everyday love

You can't win my affection

It isn't a prize or a contest

I don't want unpradictable romance 

And sweeping gestures are obscene

The real test is everyday kindness

Paying attention and spending time

Woo me with many tender moments

Invest yourself and I will swoon.

flawed snowflake

Being unique isn't being the best

They are two different measures

When I compete with someone, I can loose

When I compete with myself, I will improve

Winning requires standards and conformity 

While flaws can be a part of individuality

Self esteme is a wonderful thing

But often confused with superiority.

sweet parting ways

Scorched earth is bitter smokey 

Revenge is raw and bloddy

But a legacy is sappy sweet

Your regret should taste like sugar

When you realize what your missing

Winning is my happiness elsewhere

Not the bad taste I left

So I leave behind desert.

your anger is not mine

I don't choose to have enemies

Your anger isn't my business

Until you set it in front of me

Even then, I don't have to play tit for tat

I can decide not to engage

I can endeavor not to react

Maybe that means I'm not tough

Because I won't play your game of dirty

I'm like my sweet and kind stuff

I see that anger is a chunky pill

It'll weigh me down if I ingest it

And I don't need it to feel full.

good not great

I have a good personality

Not the median or the max

And above average intelligence

A solid "B" student

Patient and persistant

I mostly get stuff done

Loving but introverted

I may not be the best

Flawed and honest

But I'm certainly not the worst.

theory into practice

Ideas abound

Untested theories to try

But the practical steps 

Are not always so easy

There are books to read

But learning is limited by words

A model is a representation

Even a blueprint is on paper

Doing teaches us better

But adults are expected to know

Not to explore like a clumsy child

Failure is the freedom to try again

But forgiveness is rare

And mentors hard to find

All that left is persistence

The willingness to look foolish

To find a lessons in mistake

To keep trying regardless of reward.

yearning for new grass

Daily watering the same brown patch

Investing hope in a color change

The lack of difference is exausting

The hints and promises of new growth

As the weeds get taller and grass dies

Endless false starts grind away hope

The grass isn't always greener

But maybe a new start can wake us up

Maybe fresh hope is enough.

people change for themselves

People can change

But they change for themselves

And they often don't try to change

It is a natural, unexpected evolution

There comes a point when

The promise of future change is a lie

Where the pattern of actual behavior

Is clear and inescapable

At some point it's time 

to stop believing words repeated

To recognize actions as answers

To think about your power to choose

If you pin your future on another

You are at the behest if their behavior

If you choose your power of choice

You may not wait for change in another.

personal apocalypse

That sick moment 

when you realize the ugly truth

That you've invested yourself

In something that has no future

Where you stubbornly held faith

Sacrificed pieces of yourself

Gave into one sided compromise

For something that didn't work

Suddenly, after so long,

You can't keep from seeing it

The truth slaps you in the face

And the sun won't let you sleep

You don't want to give up

You hate the idea of giving in

But you can't stand where you are

You ache to move forward

So you dive into the unknown

Gamble on the risk of worse

To relieve the pain of foolish

You choose a new costume.

not on the picket line

I always knew I wouldn't be out

If true unrest came to my time

And now it's come to pass

In my safe bubble I feel anxiety

As I watch the world outside burn

Sacrifice is the precursor to equity

What they do is better than me

There is no excuse for my priveledge

I won't justify my passivity

In my heart, I support those protesting

In my words, I support human rights

But, no, I'm not on the front lines.

liar liar

Why do you lie frivolusly?

Throwing out half truths 

With no real purpose

Why don't you speak true,

When asked directly?

You say one thing

And then behave opposite

I don't see your hidden purpose

I dont know your unspoken logic

And I've dared to ask for both

You just don't make sense

I want to give you the benefit

I'm fighting my persistant doubt

My fault is in looking for good

When the evidence points to bad

I dont want to dismiss you completely

But I'm strugglig to see

The value you bring

The benefit of you

It's sad, really.

not my tantrum

If I've stated my case

Tried to be clear more than once

And you still won't listen

I concede to your stuborn

Indifference is cruel

A worse punishment than anger

It's not my business to fix you

It's my right to go silent

I don't reward bad behavior

I don't participate in stupid

I don't have to fight

Just because I'm right

You keep flailing at the wind

As I calmly walk away

You can have the win

I choose my own peace.

supporting cast

Some of us are not the first choice

Not the significant other

Not even the best friend

Some of us are supporting cast

We may be the lead in our own story

But have no lines in another's

Maybe we're a lone wolf

Which sounds really romantic

Except for the separate part

The table for one part

The feeling like an outcast part

Some of us even prefer the quiet

A single bed in a studio apartment

A noted lack of roomates

No disruptions or chaos

Being alone isn't all bad

It's being lonely that sucks

Not knowing who to call

Not having holiday plans

Not being an emergency contact

Some of us know we arent the favorite

And this is the introverts dilemma

Maintaining much needed relationships

While sustaining much needed space.

a biased animal

Embracing plurality is hard

The human animal likes familiar

Perfection is a false belief

True acceptance an ongoing battle

We are humans, not robots

We live with emotion 

And individual perception

The best we can do

Is aim to know our bias

Try to understand our priveledge

Forgive our mistakes

Keep striving for wisdom

The complication keeps us alive

Too much same is boring

Our difference makes us beautiful.

putting aside anger

My anger lives in me

That means I have a choice

I can choose to kick it out

Or make it go to its room

Or try to calm it with reason

My anger doesn't control me

I don't have to feed its fire

I don't have to drink its poison

Sure, there are things I can't fix

Awful things in this world

Things unfair, that hurt my heart

But I can choose how I feel

I can decide on forgiveness

And compassion and calm

I can make living with myself easier

By deciding to be the better person

Making anger an infrequent visitor.

toxic masculinity

You tighten the screws on you nuts

And wonder why your dick hurts

We tell you unscrewing is an option

And you add weight to the aparatus

You wonder why love isn't yours

As your lonely dick spewes hate

When we tell you love comes from love

You demand to be worshiped

Its hard to forgive the unrepentant

Impossible to teach the stubornly stupid

Sometimes we have to save ourselves

From the toxic perpetraited by your sex.

quietly defiant

Faith is not changed through fact

Belief is belligerent and stubborn

Fighting face to face is fruitless

People change only for themselves

How do we persist without impatience

When the war we want to win

It about bringing both sides together

I can quietly persist in my defiance

My defiance can be faith in humanity

My belief can be that science saves us

My forgiveness will be for everyone.

no life taken

"I don't want you to die."

I can say that honestly to anyone

While there are people I hate

People I don't want near me

People I don't want in a role of power

I don't want them dead

I willfully don't understand 

murder, or execution, or war

So I certainly don't understand

The willingness to sacrifice

The life of another for comfort

It is pure narcisim to think freedom

Is worth more than a strangers life

The frail deserve our protection

Culling the herd is a deplorable

A kind human heart knows

There is no disposable life.

not made for immortaility

Youthful moments of decay

Living in a body that betrayes

Forces awareness of mortality

At an early age

Long as I have quality of life

Then living has immense value

And I eagerly choose to be alive

But there was no idylic healthy youth

To make me yearn for forever

Long as I'm trapped in this body

Immortality is not my fantasy.

not always a hero

If the lead in great stories

Are the nice girl and the brave guy

And we are the lead of our own story

How do we end up in villain roles

As the mean girl or the shy guy

Is it in a group that we loose sight

Of who we are on our own

Do we fill a role defined by the many

Or is it simply the limit of perspective

That convinces us we are doing right

Even when we do great harm

How do we miss the flaws of humanity

How do we not see our own villany

Is this simply the grey part of life

Where we can't know how we affect others

Where the hero isn't always in the right.

an hour more sleep

I don't wanna spend my life

Sleep deprived and acting normal

Coffee can't replace sleep

Money can't sit in for sense of ease

What if self care really means

Accepting the lazy parts of self

Sometimes a finished job is flawed

And finished can be better than perfect

An hour more sleep and a little less stress

Decidining to be done in imperfection

Maybe it's okay to be seen as lessor

Long as I have some more happiness.

I wanna believe in people

I don't want to loose 

My faith in humanity

Age has given me

Too many examples

That Individuals are flawed

And groupthink dillutes us

I want to believe its a spectrum

That the worst and the best 

Make the most compelling stories

But reality lives in between

I want to believe in all of us

Because when today sucks

Humanity is my hope for the future.

Are men monsters?

I dreamt I loved a monster

A murderer and dictator

Running an army of his peers

And my lot was so pathetic

I yearned for his abuse

He made his terms clear

I was a servant to his desires

And I was not his only concubine

At best I was sloppy seconds

He expected my worship

And I gave my devotion eagerly

I woke up from this dream

Frustrated by how real it felt

Because I am not the first choice

I am not conventional or subservient

The world's advice to get a man

Is an affront to my feminism

It feels like I have to love a monster

Or learn to live without love

I want to believe my dream is unfair

That men and women are better

But I'm an old, fat, and wierd lady

No longer hopefully find my Prince.

Coping

This morning I felt like crying

Seemingly out if the blue

Except its not so random

I'm scared and for good reason

This is a scary time, a sick time, 

The world shares my fear

this once in a lifetime event

So, I watched a sad movie and cried

Then, when I was done with tears,

I turned on another movie

And it was funny, so I laughed

I laughed out loud, without thinking

And it felt good to just feel 

The rollercoaster of humanity

Late in the day, I'm grateful

Yes, my now is complex,

But I have my small comforts

I'm managing and coping

In this moment, I'm still alive.

unease

This unexpected visitor

That sneaks up the brain

Slow drip drop in opposite

Slithering through my calm

Stretching over my mind

Sicky cover of awareness

Until I'm ill with the difference

Upside down and inside out

With this feeling of unease.

no other version of me

It's not common to meet a man

Who wants me the way I am

A crazy fat complicated

Strong introverted woman 

I conflict with gender roles

I am not the ideal size or shape

I am not here to serve or defer

I am not fun or fancy free

I do not bend the knee

Sometimes I crave a patner

But I am happy in myself

Perhaps it is better to be alone

Than to compromise my identity.

the trump ideology

My goal is to be respectful

Even when I don't understand

If something doesn't harm me

I give distance and tolerance

Much as worship and faith confuse me

And are in conflict with my scientific mind

I can see the worth in religion

The community and structure it brings

The culture and togetherness it fosters

But ideology of a person, I must admit,

That I have a problem with that

Our current president, Trump, 

Is inconsistent in word and action

But still idolized by his following

They have blind faith in this man

And I have come to realize

I don't owe my tollerance to that

I cannot offer it to them or him

I do not see the benefit to his reign

His actions are directly affecting me

And I am not a victim for anyone

In times of harm, I stand up for myself

Whatever power I have, I will wield

I will vote, I will speak, and I will hope

Because none of us deserves him

Not even those blind to his folly.

Introvert pride

There is no shame
To my lack of social game
Extroverts play loose
Introverts keep it tight

We explore our mind
The many worlds inside
There is never enough thought
To keep our attention caught

When we have something to say

We'll make it worth your whole

If you can be patient with our quiet

Maybe we'll visit your loud.

communication connundrum

"Words matter," I'm told

And my head thrums

Trapped by a partial truth

Lack of minutia in a common saying

It's true definition matters

Using the right words

Can make a difference

But only we all agree

On what those words mean

Only when we all have

The same context

Words get confused

By colloquial usage

And multiple meanings

You can use all the right words

And completely confuse

You can use the wrong tone

And complicate the meaning

You can do everything right

And still not be heard

The truth is mutual understanding

Is way more important

Than the words we use.

allergic to the world

Most fun things are not fun for me

I don't dance or smoke or drink

Masturbation gives me a hangover

Pretty much all aerobic activity does

Going outside gives me a hangover

Grass, trees, and flowers are not my friend

Gluten and milk give me a hangover

As does yeast and aged food

Perfume doesn't wait for the next day

Neither does bleach or ammonia

Cleaning my house raises dust

Living in squalor grows bacteria

My health is a tightrope of avoidance

Treatment over the counter medicine

Living within the boundaries of my body

Finding my own special way to enjoy life

In a world I'm allergic to.

not hero or villain, just human

I don't want to be your inspiration

you can’t reduce my experience

To heroic or pathetic

I am no cardboard cutout

I am layers of complicated

Like any human on this planet

"At least you have your health."

A basic precept we hear

But what if I don’t

What if my mind and body

Don’t follow the norm

My symptoms are inconsistent 

I live in a body I can’t count on

My discomfort isn’t always pain

Pain implies a specific thing to fix

Post-exertion malaise and general anxiety

Fancy words for I’m tired and upset

I understand it’s hard to understand

What a lack of health is like

Because a healthy mind compares

What it knows to what it sees

And a healthy body has limits

But health often returns

Rejoice in your health, if you have it

priveledge isn't shameful on it's own

It's when you add stubborn blinders

When you aren't willing to admit

Your perspective is always limited

And difference is hard for us all.

you are not me

we are us, as in more than one

but you is you, and I is I

we are not I, and you is not I

don't confuse you with me

as I know me better

And you know you better

and we only know the little

that you or I decide to share

between us.

Shared Fear

An unexpected visitor, 

microscopic in size, 

The world feels my reality

This oddly shameful secret 

that my family shares

is suddenly not so abnormal

We are all trapped at home

Not sure what is next

A good day or a bad one

Randomly betrayed by our bodies,

trapped by our circumstance, 

Familiar to chronic illness

The worlds knowledge won't last

Their fear will be forgotten

There will be an after coronavirus

But today the world shares my fear

Today we are all insecure

Uncertain of our health tommorow.

Nothing special here

Am I a cog in the machine?
I was raised to believe in special
That we all want to stand out
The each of us has value
But in a unique way
And yet I am finding comfort
In my simple everyday
I am not shiney or special
My life is dwindling away
As a tiny component of the whole
My perspective may be different
But my actions are mundane
A supporting member of the chorus
Nothing to be seen here
I've faded into grey
My life isn't over
But it is unexpected
That I blend in.

Compassion instead of blame

You can't propagate compassion
By defining an enemy
The problem with us vs them
Is the barrier it errects
Sometimes you have to see
Through the eyes of priveledge
To understand how to advocate
For the rights of disenfranchised
Admitting that they are losing something
To equalize the playing field
Can be a part of the strategy
To bring them on board
To make us all into us.

Not mine to inflict

Choosing not to ingest unplesantness
Means bad behavior doesn't earn my ire
There is no gain in me inflicting pain
That only teaches others to inflict

It's not mine to inform your life
I can leave, you have to live in you
Shrugging off your look of disdain
My smile comes with me as I turn away

The world is full of choices
And unhappy is certainly an option
But the small rewards in a random smile
Are so much more my style

Terrible artist

Sometimes persistent
Often patient
Compulsively creative
But not really good

My audience is me
I do cause it feels good
The act of art comforts
The journey is my goal

Yeah, I'm productive
Prolific even
But I don't practice
I don't improve

Not trying for better
Don't care to compete
Not studying masters
Or seeking the masses

I share my art
Like a child showing off
Look at my ugly creation
See the joy it brought me

If you find value
I feel good to share
If you feel distain
I'm not sure I care.

Poor old white men

I'm trying to remember my compassion
As I see your priveledge torn from you
You're knocked down a few pegs
Made equal with those you lord over
Like a spoiled child used to having it all
Suddenly you are forced to share
And that can feel so unfair
But your feeling is a reaction
To sudden equilibrium
The adjustment to a new normal
May feel uncomfortable (for you)
But it is deserved (for us all)
And you will adjust (in time)
What we take from you wasn't yours
It is proper and fair for you to share
So I feel empathy for your angst
But also ritcheous in the outcome.

Not my business

What's said behind my back
Isn't my business
I don't choose to carry anger
Or bitterness in my heart
I can't stop what you think
Anymore than I can guess it
And it isn't my business to know
Unless you are willing to speak up

Its my choice to listen
When criticism is brought to me
But I also choose to decide
If I find truth in those words
When what you say isn't my truth
I chose to stay true to myself
Regardless of what you think

Self regard may not win me popularity
But it makes being alone more bearable.

Not truths

Two faced liar
Peddling half truth
Making passing assurances
Just to shut me up

The lies you tell to others
Disprove the lies you tell me
I see the truth in your actions
Patterns of behavior betray you

I don't understand
The point of your position
How is it you don't learn
Each new time you get caught

Messy webs you weave
Get tangled by your actions
You try to worm your way out
Slither past the mess you've made

Somehow you aren't fazed
As you go on to lie another day.