wilted words

Why is it the art I like 

Not the art I write

I read away each day

And find the words I splay

Aren't flattering imitation

Or flat out derivative

But something or other

I wish my words hit true

Instead meander they do

My style is less than clasic.

what youth knows

When we were young we knew things

Things the old us can't know

Not pinned down by past failure

Not aware of cumulative experience

Our young selves had spaces to fill

The adventure of not understanding

Belief that we're the exception to the rule

An eagerness to foolishly defy advice

A chance to not realize you may fail

You can't re-manufacture a first

Exerience sets asside the failed path

Chooses to focus on doing what works

Age is a blindness of its own

Ignorant to youthful possibilites.

give or take

If I am to be if service

I give it to my community

I give it to those who love me

I don't offer myself for free

I'm not here for you to take from

When you offer nothing in return

A relationship is made of two

While a theif can take from one

Survival requires corporate participation 

But my self is worth more than money

Not here to preform a free show

Approval isn't the wealth I seek.

#GlorifyingObesity

Fat is just a word

But it's taken as offense

Thin is just a word

But it's taken as a compliment 

My size is somehow valued

Appearance a rank of worth

When I'm accused of being fat

I'm supposed to be hurt

But what if I view my body

On my own terms and conditions

What if I can see my body positively

And reject your derision 

I ask you to give up your judgement

I live as an example of fat liberation

I show you how I found love for myself

On my journey of size acceptance 

You may call this glorifying obesity

And I may call you fatphobic

Now those words sit between us

We've both built this roadblock

I'm glorifying self acceptance 

I'm setting these clear boundaries

My journey rejects your judgement

You can't take away my self esteem.

life's bubble

Simple little life

May seem so small

Even a tad uninteresting

But you can't see inside

Ideas swimming in an ocean

World's blooming in my head

Endless wonder generated by myself

Consuming words, videos, spoken stories

Second hand experience is enough

Creating new landscapes within

The acreage of my life is tiny

But my mind is never hungry

My bubble is enough

Made for me

By me.

together there is we

I'm not going to shame you

For fitting in or standing out

Being quiet or being loud

You should be you

I suggest that you

Take care of yourself first

Understand we are different

Love yourself before me

I willfully take care of myself

I see my worth independantly

But hope for a loving companion

So that together there is a we.

bus line adventures

The bus was my freedom

A day pass, a book, and snack money

I could ride the line and back

On my own private adventure

My peers wanted cars and parties

I wanted an empty seat for my backpack

An easy transfer between bus lines

A covered bench for rain or shine

Walking through massive parking lots

An urban forest of concrete and strip mall's 

Me and my paperback resting on a bench

A metropolis for my young self to explore.

weeble wobble

Moving through the world

Like a poorly choreographed dancer

Wobbling on my feet, on weak ankles

Lovely tune with chattering guests

This life a party like no other

And yet I'm still stumbling. 

Not dated

My high school romance in two events

One drive, one dance, two boys

I wasn't just a late bloomer

I was completely oblivious

One took me to Christmas lights

A clasic date, in his beat up truck

But I wasn't the girl for this devout boy

Somehow too devious and too innocent

The other was set up by his sister

He sold me on a geek club

Opened a new world up to me

But we were far from in love

So I claim I never dated

And while this is technically true

I did go on two kinda dates

But no kisses, so they don't count.

old age

I find that age sits well on me

As I didn't have beauty to loose

My trophies wrinkles and grey hairs

I flaunt them, my badges of pride

Farther away from young yearning

Each new year another journey

My youth was enjoyed but not striking

Age lead me to greater and better

So I settle for peace not excitement

As age shows more on my skin 

My years are a welcome companion

They bring me comfort, warm wisdom.

function of pretty

Pretty things can have a purpose

But when the purpose is pretty

We can loose the value of the thing

Can ugly be ignored in favor of function?

Is value so shallow that pretty still wins?

Useful has value even when looks wain

Because pretty is a feature, not a function.

my wierd and wild

Maybe I'm not as lucky as you

To get the same as the majority

I find myself in the minority

A sore thumb near matching fingers

Possibly I'm not one that blends

Not delicate or dainty in perfection

Unmistakable as I boldly take up space

A rough heel under a sleek ankle

Perhaps I reject the chance for normalcy

You can hide your quirks and flaws

I'm going to flaunt my wierd and wild

Crooked teeth between grinning lips.

Unimpressive life

Can I be happy

With this unimpressive life

The promise of individuality 

Is bringing me strife

It hints that I am special

That I will leave a mark

And yet I blend into statistics

A dot grouped with the rest

Regardless of my missing fame

I continue to exist.

human value

If human worth is in dollars

Then the majority of us fail

Kings of cash are family born

Their lineage inherited wealth

50k lifetimes of weath

Held by a single person

A dragon hoarding its gold

Human greed as the winner

No bootstrap big enough

To turn a dollar into a billion.

un-tethered

Everyone else wants to be floating

As I'm desperately gripping the ground

I might fall up and fly away

They jump, to feel as they fall down

I know I seek control

I imagine they want freedom

For both, our desire evades us

They stare up, I stare down

Both un-tethered and hovering 

But aiming for different destinations.

fickle perception

If I tell it to myself

Then it has to be true

Why would I lie to me?

But the mind plays tricks

My perception is foolish

Molded into what I need

So perhaps my truth

Is only one version

A tinted window

That only I see.

constant discomfort

Hate to call it pain

Because pain is distinct 

Searing, sharp, or pulsing

This is discomfort 

An unease of my skin

Body tight and swollen

A constant uncertainty 

Of when it will release 

Instead I can predict

My lack of comfort

Living in this body.

A medical definition

What is a diagnosis?

A definition, a grouping of symptoms 

An explanation, a route to treatment

An acceptance, a recognized label

A win, if there is a cure

Is a diagnosis required?

You can have symptoms with no treatment 

You can have a treatment with no diagnosis

You can have a diagnosis with no cure

A loss, if the diagnosis isn't recognized

Does it matter to me?

I've had more than one diagnosis

I live with lifelong symptoms

A label can be a comfort

But my health is still a problem.

What is enough?

I'm good at somethings

Not talented the way I want

I'm not great at anything

But better than most

Some things are easy for me

Where I see others struggle 

I'm spoilt by what I have

Resentful of my limitations 

Will I always be dissatisfied?

Can I be grateful for gifts?

Or will I endlessly lament

What is just out of reach.

seperate and together

You do you

And I'll l do me

When you and I meet

Let's aim for we

If we see them

Let's make an us

But never forget

That they are them

That you are you

And I am me.

Dine on me

The open maw of people

Is protected from the raw me

I keep myself refrigerated

Saved for a private meal

Strangers don't get to participate

To eat my uncooked self

I don't serve them in my kitchen

I offer a publicly presented dish

Wearing a smile hurts less

Then putting my meat on display

They don't get to choose the cut

I offer a charcuterie.

shadow companion

Haunted on a lovely sunny day

Hearing rejection in a brief silence

Distrust in every bite of picnic

Doubting the gift of sweet success

Chewing away at my insides

Tinting my vision with uncertainty

Twisting the jolly of my company

Stealing the possibility of comfort

My guest is an unseen shadow

The cliche companion of anxiety

A false awareness of doom

My brain the source of this illness.

not your freak show

The fact that we have to be on display

That showing our vulnerable parts

Is the best path to acceptance

Means that privacy is a priveledge

The risk is that we entertain 

More than we educate

In our goal of finding empathy

Our lives become a curious show

Why do we have to teach compassion

When we start out in a deficit

We want to be treated as human

Not just characters of conversation.

let's be defiant

What if we were truely defiant

Going against all they want us to be

Not a sexy criminal or ralling rebel

But the true sins of personhood

Lets be lazy and needy and weak

Free with tears and emotions

Wailing againt the unfairness

Prideful in our self esteem

Slip through the holes of social norm

Reject the rules that make no sense 

Kind and firm instead of nice and easy

Simultaneously better and worse.

innate worth

Is the value of a human life

The profit we bring

What we produce 

How we participate 

Our level of recognition

Can we be judged worthless 

But reject that judgement

Recognize we deserve to exist

Resist through our prideful self love

And encourage others to rebel

Humans are social animals

We need to feel loved and give love

We all deserve to exist

because we were born

There is no quantifying a life.

Dying dream

A hope so long grasped

That my fingers are white

From cut off circulation

My stuborness won't let go

It feels like I have a destination

Like persistence will take me there

Could this be decades of self harm

A false hope leading me nowhere

What will I loose if I embrace the futility

If I accept the gamble as improbable 

Am I less the person I want to be

Without my rose colored lenses.

Creative Defiance

The line between craft and art

Is it drawn by external appreciation 

The gaze of another judging it worthy

More than the creativity of an individual

Is it defined by talent or experience 

A natural producing pure originality

A masters work of pure skill

Askew of derivative or copy

Or is the line so blurry and gray 

As culture sketches ambiguous lines

"You know it when you see it"

Said with presumptuous authority.

Not abled asshole

I'm not your hero

I'm not your friend

I'm the asshole with a disability

Why do I choose this villany

Because it's hard to infantilize

Someone you can't pity or admire

Assholes are universally disliked

Your disdain and disapproval

Mean I'm like any other jerk

It's my one path to humanity

An effective equalizer, is this,

My terrible behavior.

Personal earthquake

There is the us that others perceive 

And the lived experience of our life

We may know our feelings and desires

But our memory is warped in remebering

Our perception of self is often twisted

Trying to see ourselves through other eyes

Trembling feelings as lava at our core

But a still surface that can looks serene

We can't always predict the seismic events

That can shatter our world into rubble

We don't always know the cosmic events

That will punch a whole in our existence. 

Manic pixie dream

I'm not a step on your journey

Or an example of wild and free

Not a tool for you to learn from

Or a character in your story

Viewing me as a step on your path

Is just a way to procrastinate 

Your authentic journey is inside you

That path has nothing to do with me

If you ever figure out who you is

When you can give and take equally

Thats when we can consider us

Then come and talk to me.

Under the bus

I can't belive I couldn't see

That you are nothing like me

My mistake was trusting you

Believing in human decency

You made yourself so small

So petty and mean and shallow

I wanted to lift us both up

But instead you made us fall

You dismissed my truth

And twisted my words

And I didn't see it coming

Somehow you blindsided me

So now I'm hurt and angry

But who am I too blame

Me, you, the bus, or the driver

I'm run over all the same.

placeholder

He thought dizzy was joy

Dancing around in circles

And love meant freedom

As he spun to another partner

He said all the right words

Words that dazzled me

But the words were empty

I was alone next to him 

A warm body in his bed

A placeholder, easily replaceable 

As I tried to hold on to him

I watched him spin away.

I love me so I can love you

Everything for anyone always

Is a perfection I don't try for

Self sacrifice and unending kindness

Are not my first goal

Self involvement can lead to self care

Boundaries can make better buddies

Because I'm only giving what I can

I stead of draining myself dry.

Sometimes love is kind

Nice is a performance

It exepects owed recopense

A positive return on investment

Kind is an attitude

Its persistently of service

Because the return is within

Love is complicated

It is an individual feeling

That is sometimes shared

I don't want a performance

I will reward a good attitude

I can't promise love.

wierd, wonderful, diverse

The bee and the wasp are not the same

They are insects that can sting

Presenting colors of yellow and black

Flying from their homemade nests

But only one produces lovely honey

While the other is viewed as a pest

And while one wasp can kill a bee

Many bees can defeat one wasp

This is the world we live in

Similar and different

A life of conflict and beauty

Wierd, wonderful, and diverse.

Only in reality

I wouldn't survive a narrative

Of horror or action or fantasy

In a story of past plague times

In a horrifying dystopian future

In the inevitable apocalypse 

My body would be the first to fall

At best I'm the supporting character

The one you knew wouldn't make it

I'm not the character that lives

But today isn't fiction and this life means

My broken body has modern medicine

My flawed mind is of current value

My imperfect self thrives in this reality.

Anti-racist

Academic texts don't speak

They can't express lived experience

So I beg you, hold my hand a little

Lead me towards the truth

Your anger is valid

But it also stands between us

I know my ignorance isn't fair

And I know you are tired

But if you can give me your patience

I am open and eager to hear

I'm will de-center and shut up

Because I want to learn and be better

My white ego may be fragile

But I'm ready to let it shatter

I accept that I am part of the problen

I'm trying to be an ally.

no excuse for being me

Not pretty enough 

to be an unapologetic bitch

Not brilliant enough

To survive through sarcasm

Not eager enough

To eat shit all day

And not fawning enough

To fall down at their feet

Just proudly stumbling through life

Without an acceptable excuse.

ad hominem attack

I often misspell

And my grammar sucks

My brain looses words

And my mouth mispronounces

My details are an easy target

If you are looking to attack

Search no further than the surface

I can't compete academically 

Because I don't want to win debate

I seek to understand deeply

I try to have an informed opinion

I'm willing to learn when I'm wrong

I understand I don't know everything

But I'm more studied than most

So I feel confident in my thought

Even if my presentation is flawed.

oblivious to school

In Elementary three girls teased me

Asking why I wore pants in the summer 

And dresses in the winter

I shugged in answer to their mockery

In Junior High a girl tried to intimidate me

She got aggressively in my face

I walked away and simply avoided her

More confused than scared or angry

Between a complicated home life

Truant officers and sickly absenteeism

And special needs classrooms

School hierarky never made an impression

I didn't envy those who fit in

because I didn't notice their power

I was an oblivious weirdo loner

With my own drama seperate from them.

not us or them

I'm okay with me or you

But not okay with us or them

I can choose who is in my life

Decide that a person is not good for me

But when a group decides to ostracize

They are making me choose 

Between my independence and community

They are trying to control me and you

And the answer to that is easy

I'd rather be lonely as one

than be a part of the mean many.

Stubborn self-esteem

Is this confidence or stubbornness

Self-esteem or refusing to hear criticism

It's true I dig in my heels

I don't care to make strangers happy

I expect to be loved as I am

So, if the result is that I am me

The most uncompromising me I can be

Does it matter how I got there?

Voices in the electric void

A million strangers can hear my voice

As I speak into the electric void

Monologing to an unseen audience 

Confiding secrets to the world

I sing a song of myself

Speaking my cringy truth

Leading through honest example

Hoping that variety becomes familiar

Exposing my authentic self

Without an agenda for return

Is somehow less lonesome

Then silently living a false identity.

let's skip romance

Finding sex is easy

Fleeting romance is easy

But the boring parts are hard to find

I want to skip the chase and mystery

Head straight for comforting commitment

Where my best friend loves my flaws

I won't provide one sided worship

and I can't conform to convention

I'm looking for someone like me

A confident snowflake of similar design.

men don't get it

It's impossible to change another

Arguing they should alter their beliefs

Only makes them dig their heels in

Suggesting they harm unintentionally

Makes them argue their innocence

And the worst offenders are men

Men are taught to win at all costs

To fight any chance they get

They are taught power is a priority

Never compromise and avoid compassion

Because those are womanly traits

And women are the opposite of men

So, a feminist trying to speak to a man

Is fighting both nature and nurture

Nature that makes humans resist change

Nurture that taught men to never loose

I don't hold hope for my generation of men

Maybe we can teach the next batch

I don't want men to be my enemy

But I also don't think we owe them sex

All boys are accountable for their behavior

Rape is inexcusable, consent is required

Cheating and lying are intentional

Gender isn't an excuse for wrong behavior.

#chronicillnesswarior

Often my existence feels like a war

With myself and the world

Seeing the disbelief when I share

Because I don't look unwell

Being told to "win" at health

like I'm in control of my body

Arguing for assistance or help

From systems that believe I'm lying

Being told it's in my head

like I can think away the sick

I'm so tired of being in battle

I get to choose when I fight

Whatever is broken in me

Be it my body or my mind

Today I choose radical acceptance 

It's time for some boring peace.

#womensupportingwomen

To all the beautiful women

All the smart and successful ladies

All the fit and fabulous females

I want those things for you

sometimes, I may feel lessor

when I commit the sin of comparison

But I will never try to tear you down

I will lift you up any chance I get

We all deserve to feel proud and powerful

And I wish those feelings things for you

with the same fierce ferocity

That I aim for them myself.

all the years

all the years

compounded by all those tears

made real by persistent memories

and lessons hard learned

lead to now

it's easier to doubt

when the world is so harsh

and the people inconsistent

their rational mislead

than to hold onto youthful optimism

I thought this was growth

the growing up part

we're told it's a good thing

that it leads to wisdom

and self-assurance

but sometimes it feels like a cancer

a malignant mass of memories

an awareness that the world isn't pure

and even the good things

are tainted by good meaning

it's the one's that think best

that know without doubt

and know their right

no matter what

those zealots, they truly scare me

so, what has age given me?

but an awareness that faith

is so frail, so delicate

that it often disintegrates

in the face of reality

The hopefulness of youth

is being beat down

by the doubt of age

because truth is a harsh mistress. 

Clique

Do you know what I hate

that feeling that creeps up inside me

the knowledge that I can't read your mind

It's built on a foundation of insecurity

and the thoughts I've let stray

I have to count on you loving me

even if you never say

after years of words passed 

between our lips on the air

I see it stalking me in the distance

that ugliness called fear

There isn't one heart here

there's ten, maybe twenty

a heard of things unspoken

and the decisions you've made about me

without even consulting me

It's paranoia.  After all these years

to think my forest might leave me

the insanity that stalks me

to believe your actions might change

when you walk around me, consistently.

If I were pleading to one person

one mind or one soul, perhaps they're be hope

instead I plea to the lot of you

the group of you, the family I've made

Don't leave me. 

a plan calms me

I was raised by mental illness

By generations of childhood trauma

Where calm is the eye of a storm

There was little consistency

A new adventure everyday

But we were just surviving

Now I rebel against that chaos

I'm calmed by rules spoken

Soothed by expectations made clear

I'm comforted by knowing my plan.

a day

Parking lot paved with crushed pebble feet

Hot sun sinks in a black pavement

roll them rubber soles 

hood for another day

I can't see my hands for the brightness

Brush against her hand, wonder if it's mine

give me a smile, a thought

I know where we're going

broken toes and aching arches

stabbed on a curb by my best friend

so, she sighs in exhaustion

Holed up in a room, tired from the day

smiles on my face and a memory. 

wishing I was a comet

"Who am I?"
We all ask this
At one time or another
Sometimes this answer comes swiftly
Easily based on my sense of self
"Who am I to them?"
That's a tough question
I swirl around the question
Like a planet in orbit
Hoping I can become a comet
Break free from painful confusion
It's the taciturn "them" that won’t say
Even if I ask directly
So, I live comfortable in myself
But uncomfortable in the world. 

embracing the label

To not be seen a looser
I have to choose to be a winner
But who am I trying to impress
Who gets to decide the rules
What if I'm an independent thinker
What if I decide not to compete
Instead, can I live the label
Can I defy the game they're playing
Accepting some might call me a looser
Because I'm happy being my weird self.

happy to say i walked away

Words like "angry", "resentful", "righteous"
Group think makes them infectious
One bad apple spoils the bunch
One mean girl sets the tone
When ladies gang up, I don't take part
If a friend is cruel, I rethink that friend
I may not fight for what's right
But I don't put up with what's wrong
My silence and absence is active
Being right can be lonely
But I won't let ugly infect me

the on thing I can say is
I'm brave enough to walk away.

three boys

I lost my innocence to three boys

One who kissed my best friend

One who dared me in the dark

And one who presumed marraige

The first boy was my first crush

He kissed her because I dared him

I wanted him to dare me back

But their kiss became the story

The second boy liked me first

He dared me to grope him

Mother interrupted our daring

He lost interest soon after

The third boy was actually my first

First kiss, first love, first fuck

After my deflowering he declared marriage

But I had a world of fucks ahead of me

I'm not sure I had innocence

That I lost or they stole

Three boys took what I offered

I eagerly sought what they gave.

feelings together

Trapped a feeling

Put it into words

Shared it online

So your feelings

Would have company.

letting myself cry

Tears washed out the chemicals in my brain

Poured out the feeling making me insane

Couldn't stop the world from spinning

But lifted the weight pinning me down

Tommorow the world gets heavy, again

But tonight I sleep a little lighter.

hold my hand in the aftermath

I can be my own prince

Drag my own ass out of the fire

Make my own money

Buy my own toys

But its lonely on my own

I wish I had a partner to hold my hand

To listen after I've taken care of business

Who wants my strong and mighty self

Even when I'm not pretty or girly

I want to loved, not saved.

fat hurts less

How do I explain

Why I live in this body 

Why I don't starve

Maybe rejection stings

Maybe ugly isn't awesome

But I can't escape allergic

When my skin aches

With general discomfort

Everything is swollen

And exercise hurts

Food is medicine

Food feels good

Drugs dull the mind

I want to live awake

Weight is the lessor evil

Fat hurts less.

all my jiggle

Double chin

Whitchy wart

Jelly belly

Cheese thighs

Soft squishy

Warm cuddly

Massive me

Taking space.