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Monday, February 26, 2024

anticipating judgement

Let me be clear
I'm not making anything up
I spend my time isolating
And lying about what I feel
And avoiding the topic of health
Smiling through my discomfort 
Actively minimizing my needs
So you won't ever know
What's going on with me
Because when I open up
I get shamed by doctors 
Teated poorly by bosses
Doubted by my friends
The world isn't welcoming
People treat me differently
There isn't a reward for honesty
When it comes to disability.

Monday, February 19, 2024

accomidation for all

Remove reason from accomidation
Reject the idea of undue hardship
It leads to false argument
If you already treat your staff shitty 
Any request for change is a battle
Doesn't matter who makes a request 
Employers reject workplace change
Even when it's low cost or no cost
So, this isn't just about disability 
It's about core labor rights
Most staff have individual needs
We should have tools to do our job
Get flexibility between work and life
Accomidation is considered radical
Because a job is seen as a priveledge
What if staff were seen as valuable 
Deserving of a job molding to them
A workplace finding a place for us
Instead of rejection for a bad fit
All staff deserve accomidation 
When employers accomidated want
It's not so radical to accomidate need.

Monday, February 12, 2024

Stop pushing the narrative

Your suggestion it's our fault
This thing we were born with
Is victim blaming at best
And eugenics at worst
We don't deserve this
We didn't earn it
Your lack of compassion
And your willful ignorance
Perpetuates a harmful myth
Dare I ask you be more kind
In the way you view a stranger.

Monday, February 5, 2024

leave the game

Peace is not easy
The world gets in the way
People like their familiar
Even when it's painful
Fighting is what they know


How do I avoid lonely
But also not participate
People come with drama
How do I not get treated poorly 
Without always fighting for me

How do I not aim to win
But also not aim to lose
People want to be the best
I have to step away from it
Leave the game

Standing slightly apart
Cautious towards the world
Choosing not to fight people
Developing habits that save me
From a culture trying to defeat me.

Monday, January 29, 2024

public forced isolation


No more masks for you
You won't be forced to vaccinate 
It's your right to spread disease
Passively killing in your wake

Those old "Ugly Laws" are gone
But you still actively shun us
Put the burden of health on us
Believe only the fit should survive

You don't want to see us
Or understand our experience 
Thinking about us is tiring 
It's just easier if we are invisible

One day you will be old
And age will probably bring disability 
But that is for future you to know
Current you prefers your ignorance.

Monday, January 22, 2024

supposedly imagined pain

The stories goes that I'm faking
My discomfort isn't real
Women make such a big deal 
And fat women deserve it
And black women don't feel it
They suggest I'm malingering
And I'm seeking attention
I should, "learn to live with it"
They say mental illness isn't painful 
Nor is rejection or loneliness
The fact that it's persistant
Makes it less believable 
Only a doctor can define it
And throw a pill at it to cure it
But even without treatement
If only I would believe myself better
If only I was tough enough
Then I could stop my chronic pain.

Monday, January 15, 2024

bootstrap envy

I envy the priveledge of bootstraps
The social ability to foster connection
The physical stamina to work extra
The attractive features to fit in
The backing of family and friends
The access to education and training
Toss in some luck and persistance
And you say, "That's all it takes!"
(To become a rare success story)
But I don't envy your ignorance
You can't see your own priveledge.

Monday, January 8, 2024

bias of the medical model

I use the term "medical model"
As a short hand for doctors are limited
Because they focus on broad strokes
They only believe the statistical norm
Focusing on tests and clear patterns 
A set of specific diagnosis criteria
So if symptoms are varied and vauge
They are likely to say nothing is wrong
Or to suggest "it's in your head"
They're not searching for an oulier
We're not the exception to the rule
Patients are stupid and uninformed
Doctors the authoritative expert
And we should trust their declaration
Believe them over our own body.

Monday, January 1, 2024

losing priveledge

You are losing something
The extra you have isn't yours
It was unfair when was given to you
Distributed unequally at birth
And now it feels unfair to loose it
Like you're being stolen from
But you are returning stolen goods
The fair part is you sharing
Giving up the extra you have
So that everyone can have some.

Monday, December 25, 2023

health I never had

I see health in others
And miss a life I can't know
An imagined experience
I grieve for what I never got

I morn the life I'm missing
The freedom I don't have
Settling into a compromise
With my imperfect body

I'm frustrated by new symptoms
Trapped in this tightening trap
As my body betrays me
I adjust to the new normal

But I can't live in grief 
So I give myself space to feel
Light a candle for my loss
And then turn back to the life I have.

Monday, December 18, 2023

I want a wife

Wish I could find a man to be my wife
Who's totally devoted to my needs
Gives me endless free labor
Asks for the bare minimum in return

A man focused on my desire
To be on display when I choose
Who's aware I can replace him
With a younger, more eager version

Is happily barefoot in the kitchen
Making our house a home
Sacrifices his own needs
Because my needs come first

And he would know his place
Because I gave him my name
A wife is the reward I deserve
My prize and proof I won at life.

Monday, December 11, 2023

cleave people from the herd

We're your sickly and old
The ones that can't keep up
Falling behind in the race
The ones you sacrifice

You see us as disposable
Or you choose to be blind
Except you are setting yourself up
For a future of being culled, too

When you forget compassion and care
You ignore that we're in your herd
You may choose to see us
But we can't help but see you.

Monday, December 4, 2023

a moderated life


I was a active kid and also sickly
I played rough and then later suffered
Never fit in school so I was a loner
But my family friends played with me

I had a social group as a teenager
And I matched their social energy
I stated up all night and partied
And then crashed when I went home

It was in my 30s that I saw the pattern
When I act like other people I pay
And the cost is tripple the fun
More days lost than fun gathered

I learned to live a moderate life
Chose stability in my symptoms
I grieved that life wasn't like others
Gave up on a life I can't have.

Monday, November 27, 2023

not trying to blend

What if I am cringy
A background player
That everyone laughs at
Self aware that I dont fit in
But also comfortable in myself
And that confidence shines through
Because I don't hate myself
I'd rather embrace my awkward
Than chase someone else's ideal 
And maybe some people mock me
But that tells me who they are
It doesn't affect who I choose to be.

Monday, November 20, 2023

not dying today

My symptoms aren't acute
They're persistent and uncomfortable 
Just not urgent or life threatening
I have treatements that work
Not a cure but a way to manage
And succesfull lifestyle changes
That make my symptoms less
But you can't call me healthy
I live with symptoms everyday
I'm surviving, not thriving
Some days are less pain 
But I can't imagine pain free
Inot well but I'm also not dying today.

Monday, November 13, 2023

not a brave face

In a culture where tough is praised
And showing pain is weak
Then I'm considered a whiner
Because sometimes I name it
Instead of living in painful silence
I defy loneliness and issolation
Take comfort from those around me
By bravely sharing my vulnerability
Admitting that living sometimes hurts
Speaking up can't remove pain
But it can make it more bearable.

Monday, November 6, 2023

not about you

My house is my comfort
It should fit my needs
I keep it up to my standards
I don't clean for guests

I live in my body
My asthetic is for me
And clothe it as I please
I don't dress for strangers

My behavior is my choice
My choices may not work for you
I have to live with my consequences
And I don't require your approval

Sometimes my actions effect you
And that is when you get to care
But I still keep these boundaries 
My life choices don't disrespect you.

Monday, October 30, 2023

decenter

Why do you center yourself
Speaking for us but not to us
Give me back my words
Don't talk about me or for me
Your ignorance is quickly seen
But only by those in the know
You try to gatekeep what I say
Make up words to avoid what I am
My learned experience rings true
Even when you suppress my story.

Monday, October 23, 2023

living my truth

I'm not willing to lie anymore
They like me hiding the real me
It allowed them to be comfortable
But it made me feel worse

You don't want to hear about my day
Because my day involves pain
You don't want to hear what I feel
My good attitude is back lit by pain

If the real me was hateful
Then maybe I'd understand
But this is about social discomfort
This is about disturbing truth

I'm outspoken but introverted
I'm employed and disabled 
I'm authentic with mental illness
I'm not looking to fit your mold.

Monday, October 16, 2023

wife left in the hospital

In sickness and in health they say
But it's often a one sided promise
We all agree boys run away 
Eager to escape emotional burden
But men are no better at sticking it out
When a woman needs support
Men feel they're in the right to leave
If a woman can't serve her role
Husbands don't stay to be caregivers
If a wife becomes a burden
Chronic illness is a dealbreaker.

Monday, October 9, 2023

skewed by suspicion

Why do you have expectations
Of how health should look or act
You don't live in my symptoms
Health isn't linear and we aren't twins
 
Who taught you to doubt me
To question a wheelchair or cane
Eager to catch me in the act
Of some malingering performance 

Why am I guilty until proven innocent
Your view is skewed by suspicion
Outright assuming I must be lying
Making it up to gain attention

Who wants to living in this picture
Putting on a long con for strangers 
Getting all this negative attention
Living outside socially acceptable

Why do you think you are special 
That I'm makings it up for you
That you know the ultimate truth
That you know me better than me.

Monday, October 2, 2023

Medicine exists for healthy people

Doctors goal is to get people healthy
So when faced with chronic illness
A complicated patient they can't fix
Once their diagnosis is complete
And they've handed out treatment
Even if the symptoms are still present
They wash their hands of us

Doctors aren't here for wholistic care
Few are excited by a long term puzzle
The puzzle of confusing symptoms
And rounds of inconclusive tests
They default to psychosomatic 
They outsource the care of emotion
That is the role of a psychiatrist 

Doctors want to conquer health
Not hear a frustrated patient
With never ending symptoms
They want to be the hero
But after multiple appointments 
It's easier to label malaise
Than admit their failure.

Monday, September 25, 2023

not up or down

My morality isn't vertical
You are not better than me 
And I am not better than you
We are both worthy
And no one is undeserving
No onehad to tell me this
I was born knowing it
My ethics are horizontal.

Monday, September 18, 2023

crazy cat lady

In a roundabout way
I traded my married life
For the title crazy cat lady

The traditional role
Was sold as happiness
But didn't give me security 

So understand,  I don't regret 
Giving up my faithless husband
As marraige was no guarantee

I am more myself
Thriving as a spinster
Because I didn't give up on me.

Monday, September 11, 2023

only the old and sick die

A global pandemic comes
And the takeaway is eugenics
Long as the masses can survive
It's okay for the old and sick to die
The public prefers simple comfort
Don't want to hear downer statistics
Don't want a mask or a vaccine
Sure, you might get long covid
You might kill your family or friends
But a party is worth the gamble
Mass spreader events are more fun.

Monday, September 4, 2023

external judgement

Carrying around all that judgment
It has to be a weighty burden
So much to disapprove and disdain 
Must be a heavy arsenal to bear
I'm sorry the dagger in your eyes
Bounce off of my lack of caring
Hate leaking from your gaze
Will never be able to touch me
Because I'm not invested in you
The same as you're effected by me.

Monday, August 28, 2023

quiet quit is my baseline

The way they exploit you
Is the reason they won't hire me
When you work all those unpaid hours
When you give above and beyond
I can't live up to that expectation
You hustle to get a possible raise
I'm struggling to give what's required
You network with all the right people
I stand out because of my limitations
Exploitation isn't fair to either of us
Our worth isn't in dollars and cents
You can quiet quit and still have a job
I'm lucky they're not looking for cause
I wish you would act your wage.

Monday, August 21, 2023

approval after the fact

If you hear my story
And then you feel for me
Where was your compassion
When you saw me as the villain?

Why do I have to explain
That life is hard and traumatic
For you to try and understand me
What does that say about you?

If you think strange is awful
And difference is unacceptable 
You are always going to judge me
You will still want to change me

If I haven't hurt you
And I'm not out to harm you
Then I'm not the one who's wrong
My compassion isn't conditional.

Monday, August 14, 2023

burnt flavor

Idle lips seek my ears
An exchange of vicious banter
Cringe isn't just in what you do
It's also in what you splatter

I avoid the burnt flavor you bring
As you season the world bitter
I can seek a sweeter taste
Avoid the twisted taste you deliver

Your art can be a saucy critique 
A smug feeling that you're better
While I enjoy my grateful life
Writen in a complimentary letter.

Monday, August 7, 2023

resigned to pride

My frenemy, disability
This is my uninvited guest
A squatter in my body
My long term companion

It can come at any time
And no one is safe
You may not know it's there
And it's rarely predictable

Nearly impossible to get rid of
Even making it behave is a struggle
So we adjust where we can
An suffer through the rest

Yes I've come to accept it
I'm even proud I love with it
But that doesn't mean I like it
Or that anyone else should want it.



Monday, July 31, 2023

not the real you

I don't know you
Because you don't want me to
You hide away the real you
Behind what others expect

Your performance is perfected 
The person you think I want
You were trained well to hide
But I can see your walls are up

It's not for lack of my trying 
Showing an active interest
Grilling you like an interview 
Trying to coax you out

You're not evading my disdain
If you were to be real with me
It'd be no different than now
I definitely don't like the fake you.

Thursday, July 27, 2023

mythical money monster

How can you have a billion dollars
And still claim to be human
You are more a mythical creature
Hoarding multiple lifetimes of money
Trading our lives as commodities 
They say absolute power corrupts 
It's cliche how you prove this true
You con us to do more for less
Rent us property on stollen land
Charge extra for our necessities
Trade our livelihood like collectibles 
You wear our skin, looking like us,
As you disconnect yourself from us
You can't own us if you know our pain
As you desensitize yourself from us
You don't feel compassion as you win
Being a billionaire isn't ethical
My words punch up at your morality
You make yourself seperate from us
Hoarding a mountain of gold, a throne,
A dragon kills with its breath
Like a billionaire steals without effort
Your mythic existence exploits us.

Monday, July 24, 2023

replace guns with therapy

Mass murderers are mostly men
They use guns to speak their feelings
Anger being the feeling they're allowed
They take out their disapointment
Their frustration and resentment
Punishing the world as they leave it
Destroying any chance of escape
In an act of violent suicide.

Monday, July 17, 2023

accessibility for all

What if we had equanimity
And accessibility was for all
What if cost was never an argument
We got what we need to do our job
What if productivity was not a value
And they forced us to self care
What if they prioritized our life
And made space for workers needs
What if they didn't make us compete 
And they created a spot for anyone
What if they saw us as irreplaceable 
They were eager to keep us around
What if they saw us as people first
Not dollars and cents on a bottom line
What if we could exist without them
So they never got to exploit us
What if these weren't "what if's"
They were rights instead of wishes.

Monday, July 10, 2023

Self Advocate

You call me an armchair expert
I call me a patient advocate
My persistent research
And being active in my care
Is my superpower, not a fault

You have years of education
But I'm an expert on my body
I know what I'm feeling
My medical history is memory
I don't get to ignore my symptoms

You can run standard tests
And give up if they fail
You can tell me nothings wrong
But your failure to diagnose 
Doesn't change things for me

So let's agree to disagree
When you decide dismiss me
Even if you've given up
I still live in this body
This puzzle comes with me.

Monday, July 3, 2023

why the questions?

What does disability look like?
What does a faker look like?
Why are you so suspicious?
Why is your nose in my business?
Why do you demand an explination?
What is the value of your judgement?
Who said I care what you think?
Who made you think you know me?
Why am I even talking to you?

Monday, June 26, 2023

the price of mental health

Remeber that permanent record
The lie parents told us in school
Well your medical record is real
And it will follow you in life
In order for a therapist to treat
Insurance requires a diagnosis
Therapists put down an answer
An answer from one appointment
True or not, the diagnosis is on record
And medicine perscribed on record
A medical record that goes with you
And when your general physician sees 
If any symptom can be psycological
It can trigger them to dismiss you
Because you're labeled mentally ill
The price of seeking mental wellness
Is more that the cost of insurance 
It can be the curse of medical bias.

Monday, June 19, 2023

don't know what they think

I'm battling a false ghost
Telling myself horror stories 
My perception of their perception
An apparition of my own making
Writing dialog of what they think
Inserting my worst thoughts in them
Pulling preconceptions from the world
Imagining them as monstrous 
Behind their mask of silence
Believing they judge me
When I have no proof
If only I could stop
My preconception.




Monday, June 12, 2023

Aging into disability

Most people become disabled
I don't mean it as a threat
It's just an unavoidable fact
Inevitably we all get old
And old comes with more sick
And medicine can keep us alive
But treatement isn't always a cure
So most of us age into disability
Life goes on when we aren't young
We can survive without perfect health
We can live a life not able-bodied
And the wisdom I'd like to offer y'all
If you notice a person with a disability
Is that we all end up there eventually.

Monday, June 5, 2023

no longer desired

As a girl I was susceptible 
The promise of princess fantasy 
Of a man to take care of me
I romanticized my gender role

My young mind rejected the dour
What my elder women said
A prediction I would regret
A promise that girlishness is fleeting

I don't choose to resent my youth
As I lapped up the male gaze
As I took care of my man
As I believed in forever

No, I wont condemn my child self
For falling prey to tainted fruit
It's men that saw an expiration date
That thought me better compliant 

I prefer to be angry at them
Resentful at their dismissal
As I aged out of male desire
Age gave me the person I want to be.

Monday, April 24, 2023

respectful, not patronizing

I don't need to tell someone
That I don't believe what they do
If that belief isn't harming me
And it isn't an act of intimacy
 
I aim for compassion and respect
And sometimes that means agnostic
If they find comfort in their belief
Why would I challenge that worldview

Long as they aren't pushing it on me
I don't need to tout my skepticis
By explaining their belief to them
Because belief doesn't work for me.

Monday, April 17, 2023

at least some men

I'm not looking to date a man
Or invest into some grown boy
Go ahead and call it man hate
But it's really self-preservation
Searching for an exception to all men
Means we have to roll the dice
Invite the risk of real trauma
The feminist in me is repelled 
I would consider gender fluid
Or some sort of non-binary
But even then I'm doubtful
My new romantic ideal is a rebel
Rejecting gender expectations 
Eager for reversal of roles
Someone who wants to know me
And all my wierd and flawed.

Monday, April 10, 2023

abled accommodation

If you're able bodied
You receive accommodation
You just don't know it
Those of us disabled
Present ourselves as palatable

Our silence is accommodation 
We edit out the uncomfortable parts
Hiding the differences we can
You don't have our lived experience 
And always explaining is exhausting

Our patience is an accommodation
Not asking or expecting too much
Putting up with nosy questions
Excusing the demands of explanation
Accepting that compassion is rare

Even being open is an accommodation
We put ourselves at risk of disgust
Seen as entertainment or a curiosity
Treated like an inspiration, an infant
And not the expert of our own story

So we accommodate the world
We make due with what we have
We certainly don't expect better
Expectation leads to disappointment
And fair treatment is rare to find.

Monday, April 3, 2023

peace for me


Actuary tables don't see my worth
They see an unimportant complainer
At what point am I flailing madly
Suffering my sanity to a fruitless fight
How much life am I losing
Fighting a system that ignores me
My everyday has always suffered
The burden of my ill health
So you might understand
How I value the time I gain
Embracing peace over a battle
I already lost the genetic lottery
Not choosing a war against medicine.

Monday, March 27, 2023

no longer baby making machine

My nether parts stopped working
They gave upon their own
Didn't have to convince a doctor
Or get any man on board
Retired from procreation
I aged out of the assembly line
No more questioning my choice
Or urging my submission
No chance I'll ever be a mamma
I've gone men-on-pause. 

Monday, March 20, 2023

the lie of inadequacy

Sold a bill of goods
They say I'm imperfect
They promise a cure
If I buy this product 
I will surely get better
But it's a never ending loop
A plate of false promises
A goal out of reach
Self hatred, doubt, and shame
That is what they taught me
While I aim for the goal of better
Another dollar spent to be perfect
But it's mirrors and snake oil
They have no fix for my broken
They made up the lie that I'm broken.

Monday, March 13, 2023

Support from the sideline

Your voice has power
Speaking with the best of intentions
But if you are not one of us
Don't speak for us

You are easier to see
Your existence isn't challenging
But they need to feel that discomfort
They need to put eyes on us

You are easier to hear
Because your voice is palatable 
You don't mean to hide our voice
We need them to hear from us

It isn't easy sitting on the sidelines
Passively supporting our protest
But that what we need from you
Step asside and let us shine.

Monday, March 6, 2023

considered expendable

Not considered in strategy
Our lives considered less worthy
Forgotten during a tragedy
Not as valuable as healthy
Left behind in an emergency
Inconvenient to protect my safety 
Don't tell me you honor my disability
When you risk my life so freely
Acceptable loss for the community 
A burden discarded for the many.

Monday, February 27, 2023

capitalism isn't romantic

There is a false narrative
That hard work will win
That poverty is by choice
That productivity is a moral good
That you can defy statistics 
That classism doesn't exist
That people aren't biased
And that anyone can be on the top

But the truth isn't romantic
Life is more important than work
There are things we can't control
Most of us aren't exceptional
The wealthy benefit from the poor
The system keeps you in your place
And work isn't why you are valuable.

Monday, February 20, 2023

nothing special about my needs

Don't squirm away
From language you don't like
Convincing yourself it's right
To paint me in a different light
You can't fix what's wrong
By giving it another name
And when you demand I conform
When you tell me what to say
Those words are not for me
Maybe you feel powerful and safe
With a new set of terms
But your euphemism is in the way
Of my hard-won identity
I don't let you gatekeep 
What I choose to describe me.

Monday, February 13, 2023

getting along at work

Mental illness doesn't fit in
Sometimes a subtle odd behavior
Is enough to be labeled an outsider
Bias others against your favor

Work expects us to be the same
And to become a part of the team
Meaning acceptance from others
We are graded on belonging

Skills and productivity are the goal
But neither guarantee retention
If you can't find a way to blend
Work will seek someone better.

Monday, February 6, 2023

what you can do

Venting to vent doesn't work
If you want steam to subside
Remove flame, water, or pressure
Only you can alter your reaction

When fighting fire with fire
You lead to a bigger fire
You are likely to burn yourself
Be willing to give up the flame

If you never replenish the water
The water will dissipate 
You burn the bottom of the pan
Lack of action has consequence

If you decide to ignore it
By plugging up the steam
Eventually it will explode
Take action now, not later

You want to make it stop
You have to change the system
You have to decide to do different
You have the power to change.

Monday, January 23, 2023

suffocating lies

Your lies hurt me
Like a slow growing mold
Hidden in the walls of my house
Maybe you think you are saving us
From the harm of conflict
But I know something is not right
The dank smell of what's unsaid
Chokes me as I try to breathe
Maybe you're protecting yourself
From the sting of my disappointment 
But you're infecting our world
I'm woozy from the inconsistancy
Think of how nice an open door is
Sharing vulnerability is a calm breeze
Give me a chance to forgive you
Instead suffocating in shame.

Monday, January 16, 2023

your ugly is showing

It's hard to see you
Going back to your life
As if the world is normal
While a pandemic is thriving

We don't need those old Ugly Laws
To force us undesirables inside
All we need is your disinterest  
And a mass disabling event

So I wear my mask and stay inside
While you celebrate a return to life
An hope I never meet that fated day
When your disinterest will infect me.

Monday, January 9, 2023

unreliable

Despite my best intentions
All my effort to be organized
My body is unreliable
You can't count on me

Never know when my health will fail
Or when I won't remember detail
Can't say what days I won't be present
Or predict how many hours I can offer

If there were a habit I could cultivate 
I've spent a lifetime searching for it
I do the best with what I'm given
And aim to be as reliable as I can.

Monday, January 2, 2023

keeping it to myself

If I share my discomfort
With someone unfamiliar
Then I end up comforting them
Because their uncomfortable

They can say terrible things
Like, "I'd die if I were you."
I'm burdened with educating them
That may people live like I do

It's easier to fib with, "I'm good."
Than to convince them, "I'm fine."
I've learned to survive and accept
My flawed body and mind.

Monday, December 26, 2022

no "just me"

How many lives do we live
The different titles and names
Private yearing and defiant thoughts 
A chameleon in different backdrops
A work life, Family life, Private life
An inner life and hidden true nature
I am not one but many
If you mix the colors they get murky
So we keep them separate
Only open the paint we need
To paint the person they see
Because all the colors are me

Monday, December 19, 2022

aesthetically pleasing

Does frumpy have to be bad
Can it also be cute and colorful
Can I be put together and confident
Without form fitting clothes
Can I attain aestheticly pleasing
Avoiding attractive and alluring 
As I sprint away from sexy
Defying the male gaze
I'm not performing for another
My goal is not to be perceived
I want to look in the mirror
See a picture I find appealing
And smile happily for me.

Monday, December 12, 2022

not for you

I don't have to be pretty
Or smart or sexy or worthy
I don't owe you attractive
Or charismatic or even productive 
You can dislike me all you want
Shun me and idly dismiss me
And I don't have to care
Or have a reaction or engage 
I can be all the things I am
As your judgement lives outside me
Because I was born into this world
And my existence is enough.

Monday, December 5, 2022

supposed to be

Love was sold as a safe harbor
A cure for loneliness of old age
The trick to a happier life
Through one true companion
But I found the story of love to lie
A scary escapade to start
And then slow comfort over time
But my fear was their dazzle
And my comfort was their boring
Life showed me a different cliche
Loss of love let me find myself
Where alone wasn't always lonely
I had to get past the story of love
To write a memoir of me.

Monday, November 28, 2022

earned distrust

I don't trust boys or men
My individual distrust isn't fair
But it's based on sound evidence
Why are the few judged by the many
It's because the few don't act
Passively participating is still doing
Listening silently is implicit support
Yes, I'm suggesting radical acts
Men must police other men
Because men don't defer to women
Being womanly is an insult to men
When you truly respect someone
You want to emulate them
Until men want to be like women
I'm an angry feminist
Because their gender leans to harm
And my gender is considered lesser.

Monday, November 21, 2022

imperfection

I don't chase perfection
I dont even try
I sit still on the grass
And stare at the imperfect sky

The world is so muddy
Why try to stay dry
Puddles are for stomping
Mats to wipe the dirt goodbye

Sometimes I'm foolish
Don't feed me that polite lie
I see flaws in my reality
And my comfort is the right size.

Monday, November 14, 2022

private perception

I can't see through your eyes
I don't know what role I play
In your story I could be the villian 
Or I could be the Saint
You might see me as perfect
Or an example of failure
My fault is being curious
Imaging stories of your perception
It's none of my business 
Your thoughts of me are private 
I need to focus on how I define me
Be less concerned with what you see.

Monday, November 7, 2022

opposite doesn't mean opposition

Different is painful
It can seem like an attack
Opposite can feel like opposition
When, in reality, its not about you
You're judging yourself by my choices
And being mad because you don't fit
You're not the center of my universe
Anymore than I am the center of yours
My choices don't stomp out yours 
And I won't let your life define mine
Try to see yourself seperate from me
At a distance of worlds apart
You'll realize we won't collide 
I'm not even tugging at your gravity
We're not objects that rotate in sync
We're in seperate solar systems.

Friday, November 4, 2022

special for a while

I was special for a moment
They treated me different 
Like I was bright and shiny 
And then the shine wore off
Suddenly I was tarnished
Just another person to blame
To receive their dismissal and disdain 
They looped me in with all the rest
A failure to their perfection test
Because everyone was always wrong
While they were always right.

Monday, October 31, 2022

discrete annoyance

My annoyance is not your business
These are my private thoughts
And thoughts can be unfair
They can be stupid and pointless
They may have nothing to do with you
They can disappear in an instant

Your annoyance is not my business
You are allowed your feelings
You deserve your privacy
You can decide which battles you fight
Or choose to forgive my flaws
Your silence is yours to keep

Dare I suggest for us both
Fleeting frustration isn't of value
It might just be a passing spark
Until that spark turns to flame
Until the flame is unavoidable 
It might be better to let it go.

Monday, October 24, 2022

no nice guys

Nice men aren't real
Because nice is a performance
It's an act to make us comfortable
Following the rules of a social script
Kind men play a different game
They don't hide behind polite
They can be blunt and direct
As they deliver their compassion
Because kind isn't a transaction
Kind isn't always nice or easy
It can have boundaries and be akward
But give me a kind man anyday
I much prefer that over a nice guy.

Monday, October 17, 2022

loose lady bits

My pussy is used and experienced
When it's excited it's slippery
It understands pleasure

My twat isn't young or virginal
It isn't like unopened package
Inexperience isn't my game

Let me be clear, tight is painful
So why is a woman's displeasure
The ideal that men must aim?

Monday, October 10, 2022

personal space

Imagine my skin is barbed wire
There are spikes on my shoulder
Cactus pins at the base of my back
Treat me like I'm dangerous to touch
Like you need expert tools
My body isnt a public space
It's not freely open to strangers 
This is a private club, key required
Wait for permission to enter
If you refuse the rule of consent
Then I want nothing to do with you
Give me the chance to invite you
And I'll consider your application.


Monday, October 3, 2022

poetry

Poems are just wild thoughts
Ideas we forgot to keep to ourselves
Perception roaming outside our mind
We share our words with abandon
Hoping someone else will see us.

Monday, September 26, 2022

clumsy

Not aware of the space around me
Where my body fits or goes
My limbs are like marionet pieces
And I'm never a perfect puppeteer 

Always surprised when I stub my toe
Wasn't aware of my foot before that
Or when I bump into another person 
Its like my body came out of nowhere

There must be spacial awareness
For those with graceful bodies
but I'm more like an unaware ghost
Suddenly dumped in an earthly form. 

Monday, September 19, 2022

noobs don't know

It's tiring saying the same thing
Over and over and over again
Leading others through their journey
When we already learned that lesson
We had to do it the hard way
We had to do it without hand holding
We resent making it easy for others
Inviting means emotional labor
It requires patience and kindness
But that is the way we pass it on
One conversation at a time
Repeating the same old mantra
That's how we keep ourselves true
And how we change the world.

Monday, September 12, 2022

men don't like women

Men don't like womanliness
They want access to our bodies
They put a number on our desirability
But they're repelled by the thought
Of a man being like a woman
Feminine traits are not respectable 
They see our value as care givers
Our value as a doting companion
But they don't emulate our femininity 
They like us to be soft and compliant
Desire us young, innocent, and virginal 
They want to protect and dominate us
But they don't invite us as equals
They think consent is implied
Where spoken "no" is an unspoken "yes"
Like we don't know our own minds
The subtext of "happy wife, happy life"
Is a contract where they're entitled
Where sex is something withheld
Ourbody is a payment that is owed
The medicine of the feminine
Is a pill they take resentfully
We are are an itch they must scratch
An unplesant burden they must endure
Not something they'd ever want to become.

Monday, September 5, 2022

not royal

Not a princess
Don't wannabe queen
Not here to be rescued
Or waiting to be seen

My body and beauty
Can fuck right off
Physical form limits
Eyes on me are a trap

I didn't ask for a binary
Or gender to define me
So I refuse that evaluation
Reject role of mother or wifey

I love my lovely ladies
Suporting my sister in strife
If I must define my worth
It'll be what I alone bring to life.

Monday, August 29, 2022

new space race


A billion dollars annotates
A caricature of a human
With the luxury of leaving this world
Using us workers as human bricks
They build a staircase to the sky
The mortar is our worship of them
Our irrational desire to join them
In the capitalist gamble for wealth
That delusion keeps us pinned here
We give them our lives in productivity
While they hoard many lifetimes of wealth
Rocket ship roar of of their victory
We watch withour feet tied to earth.

Monday, August 22, 2022

double meaning

Sneaky words
Sometime sound good
Slowly second meaning
Contorts context and tone 
Compliment twists into criticism
The words bite from underneath
Hidden monster pulls us under
Air is replaced by water
Emotive as we drown
Emotionally flailing 
To just words
Right?


Monday, August 15, 2022

we fight to fight


Put us in a room
Activists and advocates
A group of strong willed people
Opinionated and passionate 
And expect a fight
We start out fighting the world
But when the world won't listen
We fight amongst ourselves
Because warriors don't wait 
We will find a war to win
Even if that war take us down.

Monday, August 8, 2022

elusive and elite

Being an expert is exclusive
It means you know fancy words
A language specific to your expertise 
But the culture of competition
Means expertise is not inviting
It's treated like a private club
If you haven't paid your dues
Proving your worth in words
Then you are effectively shut out
The elite don't want to guide you
They don't want to make it easy
Knowledge is secret and selective
Taking the time to translate is tiring
When experts wail about mass stupidity
Bemoaning request to dumb it down
They seem to forget the part they played
Making their knowledge unaccessable
When they used fancy words to smarten it up.

Monday, August 1, 2022

jaded old lady

I don't envy the young
Romance alive in their hearts
Full of ideals and blind faith
Believing the lies we're told

The young don't envy me
Jaded by years of experience 
Unable to escape our human failings
Seeing through the lies we're sold

We live on different sides of age
I don't think humans can have both
The naievete and hope of youth
The practical wisdom of being old.

Monday, July 25, 2022

you are not me

we are us, as in more than one
but you is you, and I is I
we are not I, and you is not I
don't confuse you with me
as I know me better
And you know you better
and we only know the little
that you or I decide to share
between us.

Monday, July 18, 2022

intrusive thoughts

Drowning in my own tea
A shallow pool to fall into
I brewed my own destruction
Because my face can't swim
I forgo the sugar and milk
Brush aside a useless cup
Spill a pool into the saucer
And dive in with mouth wide
A dramatic pause of held breath
It was a random thought, not intent
An uninvited image in my head
Instead of an inhale, I suck
Slurping up my internal drama
I know I can't breath that leafy water
And I wouldn't choose to choke
Tip the saucer up to finish my drink
My tea is done, the image gone
Now back to acting normal.

Monday, July 11, 2022

loud silence

The voice in my head is so loud
With so many things to say
Things I leave painfully unspoken
With every passing day

The world doesn't welcome my words
When they contradict the norm
My mouth stays tight and silent
As words spoken would lead to a storm

As I bind my words away
Convinced silence protects me
Am I leaving others to suffer
By denying them our community

Cowardice and self-preservation
Are siblings of the same fame
I don't know what is truly right
But I live quietly, all the same.

Monday, July 4, 2022

trustworthiness

An elusive thing, trust
Sometimes fragile gift 
Sometimes stuborn blindness
Sometimes trained by suspicion 
So easy to break and hard to repair
We expect it even when we destroy it
It comes with conditions and expectation
With all our internal failings and flaws
Is it human to trust or even be trustworthy?

Monday, June 27, 2022

style of kindness

As you stand in the distance
Your sight is offended
You declare I am rude
You simply do not approve
You know a better way to be

But I've only embarrassed myself
Standing seperate from the crowd
Being awkward or wierd or cringy
Whether close or seperate from you
Those things are mine to be

Why does it matter so much
Others perceptions as they see
How am I hurting the world
What am I inficting on you
What does your derrise do for me

Maybe I should have an opinion of you
Judging other is a terrible accessory
You should wear more compassion 
If you want to truly be in style
Focus on you, instead of criticizing me.

Monday, June 20, 2022

No replacing lived experience

An exercise in school
They put me in a blindfold
An attempt to educate
It was like a backstage pass
I got to peek behind the curtain
A brief glimpse into another life 
But there was no length in my stay
Removing the blindfold returned my sight
Years later I dated a blind man
He was into judo, I had chronic fatigue
Both disabled but in such different ways
I had vision and he had energy
We told each other our stories 
We were close as partners can be
But I could only know what he told me
He couldn't know what my insides feel like
No words can replace lived experience.

Monday, June 13, 2022

hot consent

Don't pull my hair
And slap me with a silly grin
That's called assault, not flirting

No one is owed intimacy
Bodies aren't land to be conquered 
Touch without consent is an invasion

Boys are only boys
When no one calls them out
We all know the subtle cues of pain

Girls understand civil behavior
Why are men allowed explosive emotion
As women suppress their tears

Guys don't like these new rules
Maybe time for some castration laws
Maybe dicks can be public property, too.

Monday, June 6, 2022

The lie of doctor patience

Doctors are taught that patients lie
So, they don't believe what I tell them
Because I don't fit into what they believe
If my experience contradicts their knowledge
Then they deem my experience wrong
So, I bend the truth to fit into their narrative
Much like I hide my pain from the public
And I try not to overburden my loved ones
I tell the doctor what they want to hear
I minimize my story, focus on right now
No muddy mention of my past
No curiosity of my own condition
I hide my education and persistence
I let the doctor solve the mystery alone
So they can win at the puzzle of me.

Monday, May 30, 2022

Doctors make me cry

Anxious, I arrive at the appointment 
I want to believe it will be different
Maybe they won't dismiss me
Maybe they'll listen this time
Afterwards, I sit in the car and cry
Because they're so predictable 
Medical school teaches them we lie
Insurance decide how they can help
And I don't fit their medical model
I'm a complicated case
With too many ongoing symptoms
So I only go when it's bad
When my symptoms are acute
Because I need them to believe me
Because sick is my everyday
But my truth is never enough
It doesn't convince their authority 
I walk away dissatisfied 
Tears crashing down from my eyes.

Monday, May 23, 2022

I survived today

Some days life hurts
And today included pain
In a terrible wave it hit me
It was awful and it overwhelming 
I suffered with eyes closed
A moment felt like forever
I thought it might never end
But then the wave passed
And it still hurt, but less so
I was grateful for the smaller pain
And eager for the end of today
Because tommorow is a new day
Because some days life doesn't hurt.

Monday, May 16, 2022

not my potential

It's not our job to see potential in others
We are not tasked with improving them
If they didn't ask to be mentored
Or request our guidance in changing
It's not fair to mold them to our expectation
To try and change someone for our needs
The belief that manipulation can be good
That we are doing what's best for them
Thats stealing their chance to choose
Abusing throught lies and obfuscation 
They deserve to make their own mistakes
To be autonomous in their decision
To be a person that doesn't serve our needs
Growth and evolution is a personal journey
Only I can choose to change me
And they should get the same oportunity.


Monday, May 9, 2022

Speaking freely

I let my tongue wag loose
Free to say whatever it wants
I speak comfortably and confidently 
You can be impressed by my esteem
Or you can recognize my folly
Sometimes I make a fool of myself 
I mess up what I'm trying to say
I say things in a very wrong way
That us the cost of a free tongue
Actions have consequences 
And my tounge lives with regrets.

Monday, May 2, 2022

cruel animal

Humans are born with
Compassion and kindness
So how do we lose them
Where do they go
Is it a lack of nurture
Or the harsh lessons of life
Removing our nature of care
Turning us into jaded adults
We end up keeping pain alive
Passing on perceived harm
We nurture the worst part of us
We can be such cruel animals.

Monday, April 25, 2022

The body I have

I could envy a healthy body and sound mind
But I'd have to make up a story
A fiction of what it must be like
Because I've never had those things
I don't want to pine away for the imagined
What is the value in such fantasy
Snake oil salesmen may claim otherwise
But there's no path to an easy cure
This is the body I was born to and live in
I've spent a lifetime learning my limitations
I may be curious about another experience
To be in a body that does what is expected
But I refuse to live with envy
I refuse to imagine myself into hate.

Monday, April 18, 2022

unsolicited opinion

Your opinion is an uninvited guest
I didn't open the door for you to say anything
Don't sneak it in as a compliment
Or an underhanded attempt to share
Acting like you're all white picket fences
Next to my abandoned fixer upper
I'm not looking to get your buy in
My life isn't an open house
I'm not looking to buy your wares
My face is a no solicitors sign
So, stop being a nosy neighbor
We certainly don't live on the same street
Because I don't barge into random houses
I focus on my own life, I tend my own house
If I want an opinion, if I'm looking for advice,
Give me the chance to ask for it.

Monday, April 11, 2022

identity first

Policing my language
When I speak of my identity
Is simply unacceptable 
The culture may decree
Whatever it wants about words
But I decree what is true for me
You may think you know better
But I get to choose what I call myself
If you can dare to listen to my words
If you decide to respect my choice
I might believe your trying to understand
I might believe you care about I.

Monday, April 4, 2022

Curiosity Denied

Curiosity liked to stroll the streets
Eager to know their neighbors
One days Curosity noticed a new house
Privacy was out mowing its lawn
Privacy saw earnest Curiosity in the distance 
Privacy went inside and drew the curtains
Curiosity rushed to the unfamilar door
Curiosity turned the knob, but it was locked
Curiosity was used to strolling in, uninvited
But Curiosity was also a bit of a flake
And once interest warned, Curiosity left
Other neighbors coped in their own ways
Intimacy didn't find Curiosity reliable
Often annoyed by their inconsistancy
Curiosity didn't really respect Boundaries
Even when Boundaries built a gate
Curiosity just climbed right over it
So now Boundaries avoided Curiosity
But Privacy was new and interesting
Curiosity called out, pounding at the door
Privacy persistently didn't answer
Curiosity got louder, demanding to be let in
Night rolled in and finally Curiosity left
In the dark of night, Privacy stepped outside
Boundaries walked down the dim street
Boundaries stopped in eyesight of Privacy
Boundaries waited for Privacy to wave
A bit later, Intimacy walked down the street
Privacy looked for Boundaires blessing
Feeling reassured, Privacy waved at Intimacy
Standing outside, in companionable silence,
They felt bad about excluding Curiosity
But not bad enough to invite Curiosity over
So the three new friends went inside
And Privacy locked the door behind them.

Monday, March 28, 2022

Doctors are the villian in my story


As a kid, I coughed until I threw up my dinner
Screamed from painful ear infections
Spend school lunch in the nurses office
Wet my pants heading for the toilet

As a preteen, they sent me to a psychiatrist
To sort out my runny nose and cough
The psychiatrist told me to "do better"
To stop making my mom's life hard

As a teen, the truant officer came to the door
Mom told me to go to school achy
The school wouldn't take her notes anymore
Wait until the nurses office sent me home

As an adult, my boss told me to show up
Coworkers got mad when I came to work sick
Doctor wrote me a note with an end date
But I was still sick when I returned to work

I'm old now and Doctors blame my age
To few symptoms and they ignore me
To many symptoms and they dismiss me
If I wait too long to visit they shame me

What I've learned is that doctors make me cry
I don't expect to be healthy anytime soon
But I'm pretty good at surviving while ill 
Expert level at hiding my sick.

Monday, March 21, 2022

Closed to the public

You don't get to decide 
If my truth holds merit 
Your curiosity isn't owed
Just because I'm different 
You have no right to my story
My privacy is a closed door
You don't deserve an explanation
Just because I mentioned me
If you really think you're owed
Then your priveledge is showing 
The only thing you own is you
I'm not giving tours to me today.

Monday, March 14, 2022

Atoms in this galaxy

No more than ants to an elephant
Or a spec of sand to the sun
That us the only way I can see
Comparing ourself in this universe
Some propose a greater being
A greater intelligence to design
But then they have the hubris to think
It speaks to us all, it listens to us all
That it cares more for some than others
My thoughts lean toward existential dread
I dont think the galaxy speaks to me 
There is no one tuned in to my silent pleas
I can be grateful for my unique existence 
And agnostic to my place in this universe.

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

my priveledge

First world
White middle class
Well educated
This is not bragging 
This is my priveledge 
I didn't earn these
I am not superior
These are my benefits
My unfair source of power
I wish I could share them
But all I can do is be aware
That I have things others don't
Removing the barriers I can
And admitting my bias 
This isn't fair or right
It's just the world I live in.