Posts

Beautiful

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Do I want to be beautiful?
is that a burden I desire
Some might say the answer is easy
that beauty is always preferred
If I have to choose which bigots
feign disgust for me
do I want to be mocked for my form
or restricted to a pedestal
for there are always bigots
always restrictions
beauty wouldn't remove hardship
it would only change the burdens
I have to carry
I'm not ugly, per se,
I have a symmetrical face
fair skin, fair hair,
and sky colored eyes
but I'm large, a girth greater than most
my hair is unconventionally cut
my skin less than flawless
and, worst of all, my movement is stilted
I stumble ungracefully through life
Would I prefer to be thin
to look like a picture in a magazine
so that all the men flock to me
and the women envy
Could I deny myself food
and run myself ragged
spending hours primping
to grasp for that improbable goal?
So far the answer is no,
I do not choose conventional beauty
Instead I choose comfort,
and boast pridefully
of the other qualitie…

Living within my limits

What you consider lazy I live as survival
My body doesnt work like yours
If I work to hard I pay for it
Not in a metaphorical life ballance way
But in real life flemmy illness and pain
I dont get to book my day full
Unless I'm willing to crash many after
Took years to accept my limitations
Spent my youth acting physically normal
And then crying when my body rebelled
Wasnt until my thirties that I got a clue
When I finally accepted my limitations
Changed my attitude about my lack
I choose whats important to me
I'm independant and self supporting
I'm proudly working disabled
And, no, I dont have much else
I had to give up the dream of more
To truely appreciate what I have
Stopped focusing on whats missing
And, instead, focus on what I've got.

Rant of exaustion

My body punishes me for surviving
each morning of getting up
each week of going to work. I'm tired of being tired.
And grounchy at being grumpy.
And worked up about being anxious. Pain is not a plesant companion.
Discomfort is not desired.
Paranoia can piss off.All I want is to sleep a couple days
so I can feel a little less extra
be a smidge closer to okay.

What is happy?

Is happiness content
Like a long slow walk
Or is it bubbling joy
Like a burst of pleasure
I have experienced both
But live with neither
I am unsettled and uneven
Like a well worn road
My discomfort is familiar
Even as it disatisies
I aim for content
Grasping moments of joy
And still dont understand
Exactly what happiness is.

Kind Atheist

I am an unwavering atheist
No faith and no spritality in me
But I would never wish to remove
The innocent belief of anotherHow cruel a person I would be
To wish someone loose faith
Just so they don't contradict
My strongly held worldviewI dont care how you find comfort
In this random and uncaring world
If it doent harm you or another
I encourage any peace you can keepThe only part of faith and belief
I can always disagree with
Is that which harms or shames
Or forces itself onto anotherI am not an unkind person
Some even call me empathetic
My lack of belief and faith
Doesnt make me a less caring human.

Painfully human

Being human hurts peoples feelings
When I treat you like I wanna be treated
Golden rule doen't account for difference
When I treat you as you expect
Platinum rule doesnt teach difference
When I act without reflecting
I'm almost guarenteed to hurt another
There is no rule for just being ourselves
No rule that will stop unintentional hurt
So like a gentle bull in a china shop
I am myself but try not to harm
I know being me is right for me
But may not be what others need.

Bordem escapes me

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I dont understand boredom
Not as more than a fleeting concept
How can anyone miss
All the things to learn and try
There is a neverending list
Pick a random unexplored topic
And i fall down a rabit hole
The minuia can fill a lifetime
I dont think i have enough life
To explore all subjects
So I settle on fleeting passions
Toped off by well researched interests
But I still stugle to understand
How people find time for boredom.

Same and different

Young people are assholes
Not on purpose, mind you
Their honesty is oblivious
They dont have years of experience
To explain others behavior
They blithely assume
That we are all the same
They are ignorant to difference
Until someone teaches them
That all snowflakes are frozen water
But each one has a unique design
And we humans live in that contrast
Each of us the same and different.

Refuse the hunt

Men are predators
They hunt everyday
Sex is their game
And I dont wanna playBoys are taught to dominate
Early in their youth
Girls romance about rescue
Despite its ugly truth I dont blame their nature
But I expect them to be tame
We have a choice in behavior
Respect comes with refrainI will not blame victims
I will not excuse perpatrators
But perhaps I will shame society
For raising boys into a rapers.

My insides don't match your outsides

I'm told not to compare
Focus on the same, not different
But when I get close to someone
The stories they share are foreign
A world a part from where I live
Are their stories all lies?
Some partial truth hiding harsh reality
Or am I terminally unique?
So special that I really can't relate
I know I'm not the only wierd ever
But I am wierder than most
I romantacize meeting my weird match
Another wierd that sounds familiar
The right amount of wierd, together.

Feminist stand

It seems silly
That a woman being strong
And speaking out for women
Is seen as confrontational
And taken as an offenseThey treat our power as a challenge
Like they think we want to win
As if were trying to replace them
When in reality we want respect
We want to stand beside themMaybe its fear of the difference
Because female strength is new
We can get the same things done
But we may not take the same path
We will not defer to the old wayThe thing that irks me the most
Is I'm trying to understand them
Im trying to make it easier for them
Even as they throw shade
On my burgeoning power.

Living Road

Faded black pavement
White stripes directing
Analog road to elsewhere
Flock of vehicles
Construction gets in the way
Making the drive longer
Trapped in my metal cage
Feeling tight with expectation
Someday I'll get home
To the cool stillness.

About being different

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Some of us are outliers
We hear the voices around us
Telling stories of life
And those tales do not match
The world we live in
There is a kind of silence
A solitude in difference
As speaking our abnormal
Is shocking to be heard
Even when to us
Its comfortably familiar
Conforming doesnt comfort
It chafes againt our unique
We stand to one side
Just outside the crowd
Looking for another deviant
To bond with
Not all of us are normal
But all of us have value
A place within this world
Even if only to define
The norm of all the rest.

You might hate me

I embody percived stigma
My health is not well
My choice is no children
My weight is not thin
My religion is lacking
My sexuality is fluid
You might be shocked
By my authentic self
But I am not ashamed
I reject the stigma
I dont internalize the norm
I accept me for who I am.

Large lady

I take up space
Fill a room with my presence
My arms and legs sprawled
Loud voice across the room
Wide hips staining my chairI am a large woman
In size and confidence
I'm not afraid to speak up
I'm not afraid to be silent
I speak when I want toIt's hard for me to understand
Being small or unseen
I am not a delicate flower
I'm a gaudy boquet
Big and bright and seen.

Ex

I miss the old you
The person you were before
He was kind and considerate
He wasn't so angryBut I dont miss old me
Now I know what I want
I'm on a happy path
I dont want to go backI know we both changed
Our paths diverged
We became different people
We are no longer a matchI will not let recent bad memories
Erase all the good ones
I wish the best for each of us
As we go into the future seperately.

Frantic whispers

The high pitched shuffle
Of voices repressed
Makes my ears twitch
Anxiety wonders
who is the subject
Of frantic whispers
The incomplete phrazes
Vaugely hinting at a topic
and the longer I overhear
I cant help but imagine
They're somehow talking about me
When all I really know
Is they're talking near me.

Viewpoints

I dated a blind guy once
He needed everything neat and orderly
So he could memorize where to go
I tried to keep things orderly
So he could get around
I was exausted trying to keep up
Mess is a symptom of my fatigue
He literally tripped over my disability
I learned that we can have the same label
But still have a very different experience.

Disposable girl

I grew up in a disposable world
With an expiration date
And better just around the bend
We're all replaced, eventuallyI wish there was a way
To love insensely, to love freely
Without feeling miserable
When that love isn't returnedI was a sesitive kid
So it always confused me
When my friends got new friends
And stopped spending time with meAnd as a teen I felt slighted
When I was adored one moment
Treated like a bright and shiney
And then ignored the nextAs an adult I was estranged
Rejected by my own blood
Family told me I wasnt wanted
Left me to fend for myselfBut the greatest betrayal
Was undoubtedly my spouse
The person who knew me best
Who eventually stopped loving meI cannot  claim innocence
As i have protected my heart
Refused those who are inconsistant
Rejected those who imply I'm lessMy love can be intense and clingy
My honesty can scare away
But I refuse to pretend im someone else
Just to keep lonliness at bay.

Not sexy

I am liberated from sexy
Too old and fat and proud
To be anyones objectificationSo much easier to be a feminist
When men don't acknowlede me
And women don't think me competitionIf all you see is my imperfect exterior
and you can't get past my gender
Then I've escaped your attentionMy desirability no longer defines me
I choose my brain and selfesteme
And therin lies my freedom.