clumsy

Not aware of the space around me

Where my body fits or goes

My limbs are like marionet pieces

And I'm never a perfect puppeteer 

Always surprised when I stub my toe

Wasn't aware of my foot before that

Or when I bump into another person 

Its like my body came out of nowhere

There must be spacial awareness

For those with graceful bodies

but I'm more like an unaware ghost

Suddenly dumped in an earthly form. 

noobs don't know

It's tiring saying the same thing

Over and over and over again

Leading others through their journey

When we already learned that lesson

We had to do it the hard way

We had to do it without hand holding

We resent making it easy for others

Inviting means emotional labor

It requires patience and kindness

But that is the way we pass it on

One conversation at a time

Repeating the same old mantra

That's how we keep ourselves true

And how we change the world.

men don't like women

Men don't like womanliness

They want access to our bodies

They put a number on our desirability

But they're repelled by the thought

Of a man being like a woman

Feminine traits are not respectable 

They see our value as care givers

Our value as a doting companion

But they don't emulate our femininity 

They like us to be soft and compliant

Desire us young, innocent, and virginal 

They want to protect and dominate us

But they don't invite us as equals

They think consent is implied

Where spoken "no" is an unspoken "yes"

Like we don't know our own minds

The subtext of "happy wife, happy life"

Is a contract where they're entitled

Where sex is something withheld

Ourbody is a payment that is owed

The medicine of the feminine

Is a pill they take resentfully

We are are an itch they must scratch

An unplesant burden they must endure

Not something they'd ever want to become.

not royal

Not a princess

Don't wannabe queen

Not here to be rescued

Or waiting to be seen

My body and beauty

Can fuck right off

Physical form limits

Eyes on me are a trap

I didn't ask for a binary

Or gender to define me

So I refuse that evaluation

Reject role of mother or wifey

I love my lovely ladies

Suporting my sister in strife

If I must define my worth

It'll be what I alone bring to life.

new space race

A billion dollars annotates

A caricature of a human

With the luxury of leaving this world

Using us workers as human bricks

They build a staircase to the sky

The mortar is our worship of them

Our irrational desire to join them

In the capitalist gamble for wealth

That delusion keeps us pinned here

We give them our lives in productivity

While they hoard many lifetimes of wealth

Rocket ship roar of of their victory

We watch withour feet tied to earth.

double meaning

Sneaky words

Sometime sound good

Slowly second meaning

Contorts context and tone 

Compliment twists into criticism

The words bite from underneath

Hidden monster pulls us under

Air is replaced by water

Emotive as we drown

Emotionally flailing 

To just words

Right?

special for a while

I was special for a moment

They treated me different 

Like I was bright and shiny 

And then the shine wore off

Suddenly I was tarnished

Just another person to blame

To receive their dismissal and disdain 

They looped me in with all the rest

A failure to their perfection test

Because everyone was always wrong

While they were always right.

we fight to fight

Put us in a room

Activists and advocates

A group of strong willed people

Opinionated and passionate 

And expect a fight

We start out fighting the world

But when the world won't listen

We fight amongst ourselves

Because warriors don't wait 

We will find a war to win

Even if that war take us down.

elusive and elite

Being an expert is exclusive

It means you know fancy words

A language specific to your expertise 

But the culture of competition

Means expertise is not inviting

It's treated like a private club

If you haven't paid your dues

Proving your worth in words

Then you are effectively shut out

The elite don't want to guide you

They don't want to make it easy

Knowledge is secret and selective

Taking the time to translate is tiring

When experts wail about mass stupidity

Bemoaning request to dumb it down

They seem to forget the part they played

Making their knowledge unaccessable

When they used fancy words to smarten it up.

jaded old lady

I don't envy the young

Romance alive in their hearts

Full of ideals and blind faith

Believing the lies we're told

The young don't envy me

Jaded by years of experience 

Unable to escape our human failings

Seeing through the lies we're sold

We live on different sides of age

I don't think humans can have both

The naievete and hope of youth

The practical wisdom of being old.

you are not me

we are us, as in more than one

but you is you, and I is I

we are not I, and you is not I

don't confuse you with me

as I know me better

And you know you better

and we only know the little

that you or I decide to share

between us.

intrusive thoughts

Drowning in my own tea

A shallow pool to fall into

I brewed my own destruction

Because my face can't swim

I forgo the sugar and milk

Brush aside a useless cup

Spill a pool into the saucer

And dive in with mouth wide

A dramatic pause of held breath

It was a random thought, not intent

An uninvited image in my head

Instead of an inhale, I suck

Slurping up my internal drama

I know I can't breath that leafy water

And I wouldn't choose to choke

Tip the saucer up to finish my drink

My tea is done, the image gone

Now back to acting normal.

loud silence

The voice in my head is so loud

With so many things to say

Things I leave painfully unspoken

With every passing day

The world doesn't welcome my words

When they contradict the norm

My mouth stays tight and silent

As words spoken would lead to a storm

As I bind my words away

Convinced silence protects me

Am I leaving others to suffer

By denying them our community

Cowardice and self-preservation

Are siblings of the same fame

I don't know what is truly right

But I live quietly, all the same.

trustworthiness

An elusive thing, trust

Sometimes fragile gift 

Sometimes stuborn blindness

Sometimes trained by suspicion 

So easy to break and hard to repair

We expect it even when we destroy it

It comes with conditions and expectation

With all our internal failings and flaws

Is it human to trust or even be trustworthy?

style of kindness

As you stand in the distance

Your sight is offended

You declare I am rude

You simply do not approve

You know a better way to be

But I've only embarrassed myself

Standing seperate from the crowd

Being awkward or wierd or cringy

Whether close or seperate from you

Those things are mine to be

Why does it matter so much

Others perceptions as they see

How am I hurting the world

What am I inficting on you

What does your derrise do for me

Maybe I should have an opinion of you

Judging other is a terrible accessory

You should wear more compassion 

If you want to truly be in style

Focus on you, instead of criticizing me.

No replacing lived experience

An exercise in school

They put me in a blindfold

An attempt to educate

It was like a backstage pass

I got to peek behind the curtain

A brief glimpse into another life 

But there was no length in my stay

Removing the blindfold returned my sight

Years later I dated a blind man

He was into judo, I had chronic fatigue

Both disabled but in such different ways

I had vision and he had energy

We told each other our stories 

We were close as partners can be

But I could only know what he told me

He couldn't know what my insides feel like

No words can replace lived experience.

hot consent

Don't pull my hair

And slap me with a silly grin

That's called assault, not flirting

No one is owed intimacy

Bodies aren't land to be conquered 

Touch without consent is an invasion

Boys are only boys

When no one calls them out

We all know the subtle cues of pain

Girls understand civil behavior

Why are men allowed explosive emotion

As women suppress their tears

Guys don't like these new rules

Maybe time for some castration laws

Maybe dicks can be public property, too.

The lie of doctor patience

Doctors are taught that patients lie

So, they don't believe what I tell them

Because I don't fit into what they believe

If my experience contradicts their knowledge

Then they deem my experience wrong

So, I bend the truth to fit into their narrative

Much like I hide my pain from the public

And I try not to overburden my loved ones

I tell the doctor what they want to hear

I minimize my story, focus on right now

No muddy mention of my past

No curiosity of my own condition

I hide my education and persistence

I let the doctor solve the mystery alone

So they can win at the puzzle of me.

Doctors make me cry

Anxious, I arrive at the appointment 

I want to believe it will be different

Maybe they won't dismiss me

Maybe they'll listen this time

Afterwards, I sit in the car and cry

Because they're so predictable 

Medical school teaches them we lie

Insurance decide how they can help

And I don't fit their medical model

I'm a complicated case

With too many ongoing symptoms

So I only go when it's bad

When my symptoms are acute

Because I need them to believe me

Because sick is my everyday

But my truth is never enough

It doesn't convince their authority 

I walk away dissatisfied 

Tears crashing down from my eyes.

I survived today

Some days life hurts

And today included pain

In a terrible wave it hit me

It was awful and it overwhelming 

I suffered with eyes closed

A moment felt like forever

I thought it might never end

But then the wave passed

And it still hurt, but less so

I was grateful for the smaller pain

And eager for the end of today

Because tommorow is a new day

Because some days life doesn't hurt.

not my potential

It's not our job to see potential in others

We are not tasked with improving them

If they didn't ask to be mentored

Or request our guidance in changing

It's not fair to mold them to our expectation

To try and change someone for our needs

The belief that manipulation can be good

That we are doing what's best for them

Thats stealing their chance to choose

Abusing throught lies and obfuscation 

They deserve to make their own mistakes

To be autonomous in their decision

To be a person that doesn't serve our needs

Growth and evolution is a personal journey

Only I can choose to change me

And they should get the same oportunity.

Speaking freely

I let my tongue wag loose

Free to say whatever it wants

I speak comfortably and confidently 

You can be impressed by my esteem

Or you can recognize my folly

Sometimes I make a fool of myself 

I mess up what I'm trying to say

I say things in a very wrong way

That us the cost of a free tongue

Actions have consequences 

And my tounge lives with regrets.

cruel animal

Humans are born with

Compassion and kindness

So how do we lose them

Where do they go

Is it a lack of nurture

Or the harsh lessons of life

Removing our nature of care

Turning us into jaded adults

We end up keeping pain alive

Passing on perceived harm

We nurture the worst part of us

We can be such cruel animals.

The body I have

I could envy a healthy body and sound mind

But I'd have to make up a story

A fiction of what it must be like

Because I've never had those things

I don't want to pine away for the imagined

What is the value in such fantasy

Snake oil salesmen may claim otherwise

But there's no path to an easy cure

This is the body I was born to and live in

I've spent a lifetime learning my limitations

I may be curious about another experience

To be in a body that does what is expected

But I refuse to live with envy

I refuse to imagine myself into hate.

unsolicited opinion

Your opinion is an uninvited guest

I didn't open the door for you to say anything

Don't sneak it in as a compliment

Or an underhanded attempt to share

Acting like you're all white picket fences

Next to my abandoned fixer upper

I'm not looking to get your buy in

My life isn't an open house

I'm not looking to buy your wares

My face is a no solicitors sign

So, stop being a nosy neighbor

We certainly don't live on the same street

Because I don't barge into random houses

I focus on my own life, I tend my own house

If I want an opinion, if I'm looking for advice,

Give me the chance to ask for it.

identity first

Policing my language

When I speak of my identity

Is simply unacceptable 

The culture may decree

Whatever it wants about words

But I decree what is true for me

You may think you know better

But I get to choose what I call myself

If you can dare to listen to my words

If you decide to respect my choice

I might believe your trying to understand

I might believe you care about I.

Curiosity Denied

Curiosity liked to stroll the streets

Eager to know their neighbors

One days Curosity noticed a new house

Privacy was out mowing its lawn

Privacy saw earnest Curiosity in the distance 

Privacy went inside and drew the curtains

Curiosity rushed to the unfamilar door

Curiosity turned the knob, but it was locked

Curiosity was used to strolling in, uninvited

But Curiosity was also a bit of a flake

And once interest warned, Curiosity left

Other neighbors coped in their own ways

Intimacy didn't find Curiosity reliable

Often annoyed by their inconsistancy

Curiosity didn't really respect Boundaries

Even when Boundaries built a gate

Curiosity just climbed right over it

So now Boundaries avoided Curiosity

But Privacy was new and interesting

Curiosity called out, pounding at the door

Privacy persistently didn't answer

Curiosity got louder, demanding to be let in

Night rolled in and finally Curiosity left

In the dark of night, Privacy stepped outside

Boundaries walked down the dim street

Boundaries stopped in eyesight of Privacy

Boundaries waited for Privacy to wave

A bit later, Intimacy walked down the street

Privacy looked for Boundaires blessing

Feeling reassured, Privacy waved at Intimacy

Standing outside, in companionable silence,

They felt bad about excluding Curiosity

But not bad enough to invite Curiosity over

So the three new friends went inside

And Privacy locked the door behind them.

Doctors are the villian in my story

As a kid, I coughed until I threw up my dinner

Screamed from painful ear infections

Spend school lunch in the nurses office

Wet my pants heading for the toilet

As a preteen, they sent me to a psychiatrist

To sort out my runny nose and cough

The psychiatrist told me to "do better"

To stop making my mom's life hard

As a teen, the truant officer came to the door

Mom told me to go to school achy

The school wouldn't take her notes anymore

Wait until the nurses office sent me home

As an adult, my boss told me to show up

Coworkers got mad when I came to work sick

Doctor wrote me a note with an end date

But I was still sick when I returned to work

I'm old now and Doctors blame my age

To few symptoms and they ignore me

To many symptoms and they dismiss me

If I wait too long to visit they shame me

What I've learned is that doctors make me cry

I don't expect to be healthy anytime soon

But I'm pretty good at surviving while ill 

Expert level at hiding my sick.

Closed to the public

You don't get to decide 

If my truth holds merit 

Your curiosity isn't owed

Just because I'm different 

You have no right to my story

My privacy is a closed door

You don't deserve an explanation

Just because I mentioned me

If you really think you're owed

Then your priveledge is showing 

The only thing you own is you

I'm not giving tours to me today.

Atoms in this galaxy

No more than ants to an elephant

Or a spec of sand to the sun

That us the only way I can see

Comparing ourself in this universe

Some propose a greater being

A greater intelligence to design

But then they have the hubris to think

It speaks to us all, it listens to us all

That it cares more for some than others

My thoughts lean toward existential dread

I dont think the galaxy speaks to me 

There is no one tuned in to my silent pleas

I can be grateful for my unique existence 

And agnostic to my place in this universe.

my priveledge

First world

White middle class

Well educated

This is not bragging 

This is my priveledge 

I didn't earn these

I am not superior

These are my benefits

My unfair source of power

I wish I could share them

But all I can do is be aware

That I have things others don't

Removing the barriers I can

And admitting my bias 

This isn't fair or right

It's just the world I live in.

Carrying these under eye bags

When allergies bruise my face

With deep set racoon eyes

Meds only help so much

Only time and sleep can fix

The curse my body lives with

These puffy, achy pains of existing

Doing too much or doing to little

There is no win, only compromise

I avoid what I can and live moderately

But yesterday the world beat me me up

And now my body's bullied into submission

These deep purple circles under my eyes

Tell me today I need to rest.

uninspired

A fine whine comes at the time

When inspiration is in decline

I use fire to fuel my brain

Fill the furnace with my pain

Wait for the watched pot to boil

Hold my breath until it uncoils 

Step away to let it simmer

Smoke'll let me know when it's dinner.

hurt feelings

It's true my feelings are my own

And only I can choose to feel hurt

But the shock is none the less

When reality defies expectation

A tone of cruel dismissal

Harsh words swaddled in sweetness

The unevenness stings sharply

I feel hurt by what you aimed at me

There is no opening to demand better

To ask reason from a mouth that bruises

At best I can choose to move on

You have no say in my feelings.

Corporate dissonance

Managers have to be the best

They have to climb a ladder

Compete to get to the top

Disability is a disadvantage

We are trying to survive

We innately don't fit in

Reasonable accommodation

Requires disability to expose need

To get assistance we have to ask

We have to explain our weakness

This corporate paradigm

The culture of management

Conflicts with the reality of disability

It's like expecting wolves

To see the sheep's point of view

And then stubbornly confused 

when the wolf sees the sheep

As a meal when it's time for dinner.

rare collectibles

Extroverts collect friends

They must have them all

Introverts search for rare

They want that perfect match

Is it better to care for the world

Or restrict to the right fit

Who can say what works right

Except for each one of us.

Maybe different isn't unique

I'm ordinary and special, as are we all

Not superior, as some think I claim

I stand out as much as I choose

Sometimes not hiding from view

My truth is defined by myself

It isn't up for debate or editorial

Long as I'm not causing intentional harm

I am worthy of my life in this world

Others may have limited perspective

Drawing a clear box around their existence 

I wish I could coax them out to see

But theirs isn't my choice to make

I believe minutia means there is more

The details make this world interesting

So I'm going to enjoy this life I get

My tiny bit of time in this universe.

everyday hurts

Wailing aches

Screaming pains

My body yells a story

It loudly complains 

Like a whining infant

My body doesn't care

The world infects me

Through the evil air

In the food I eat

Just sitting here

Can't escape malaise

Can't make me better

Existence isn't fair.

cringe

I may make you uncomfortable

With the way I wear myself

Daring to be awkward and rude

Speaking my oddly personal truth

Showing off my imperfect art

Refusing to hide my broken body

Maybe it's cringy to be me

I wish for you my self esteem.

deep or a above

Being the biggest root

Doesn't make you a leaf

A leaf soaks it up the sun

Living idly in the soft wind

Us roots are underground 

Deep in the dark dirt

A serf to the whole of the tree

We serve the same master

But we aren't in the same place

We can't always escape our position

But we can be aware of it.

suffer the introvert

Mingling is abhorrent

Torture of the introvert

A room full of strangers

Filling space with polite words

As if the air shouldn't be empty

Awkward introductions

Iike a poorly timed cold call

Leading to stilted exchanges

The funny ones perform

And the shy ones hover

And I just sit in my corner

Waiting for the gathering to end.

entitled

Entitled is a companion of priveledge

A mistaken belief that the world is fair

An accusation suggesting there is a right

But the world is a complex system

And there is no proven design

We're a cog in this invisible machine

Can't predict when a wrench is thrown in

Or unexpected deviation from the norm

The metaphoric world doesn't care

You may have support to stop your suffering 

But that bring us back to priveledge

Priveledge isn't the world being right or fair

This is the world tilted in your favor

Entitlement is the belief that tilt is owed.

value of a penny

Capitalism and colinization

Fancy words for money and power

We own, and merge, and buyout

Then promote the owners like it's a gift

Appropriate what we can't destroy

Destroy the parts that don't get along

Bland consumerism is the peak

Thinking our entitled selves are unique

A few live on the work of many

The many suffer the value of a penny.

risk

Tisk tisk

Taking a risk

Straddling fear

And making a mess

Daring exception

In a purposeful life

So easy to start

Shocked by the stop

Swearing never again

Trying not to look back

With a sinking heart

Here comes regret.

lady power

Soft womanly demeanor

Deferring to another

Setting an extra plate

Inviting to strangers

Strength in giving

An open door isn't weak

Holding it open is power.

anxious thoughts

Outside they tell me not to dread

Relax. Calm down. Don't fret.

But the competing voices in my head

Speak louder than they get

Like an uncomfortable party

With a dysfunction family

These are the thoughts I live with

And you can't explain them away

No words will stop my ruminating 

Dismissing me just pisses me off.

body ached

My body makes me pay

Too much fun or too little

Either way I get to suffer

It's hard to have good memories 

When they're all followed by bad days

Pain follows around my search for joy

As a rain cloud eager to soak me

So I have to be okay in wet clothes

I have to smile as I shiver 

Because there is no escaping my body

It's with me forever.

daily news

They tell salacious stories 

Entertainment from pain

We seek tales of outliers

Dull doesn't garner clicks

Thinking, "Not in my back yard"

Desensitized to the exception

Fueling a 24 hour news cycle 

Happy doesn't sell papers

Reality can't compete with fear

Horrible seems imminent 

We made this bed of terror

Good news just isn't exciting

The world is full of stories

We ignore logic and reason

We're jaded by what we hear

We listen, glued to our chair.

companionable silence

The silence is calming

The together is silent

We do our own things

Together but seperate 

As we sit side by side

Words aren't needed

No need to fill the void

Companionship fills it.

forgiving myself

I don't want to be mad

At your lies and deception

You lied to you and then to me

You bought your own fake story

You believed deception can be right

And I believed in the fake you

I bought you line and sinker

Wondered why I was drowning

Until I swam myself to shore

Now I see you treading water

Calling for me to come back in

You know I can't swim anymore

I'm sad that you can't change

Mad at myself for wanting to believe

I don't want to be angry anymore

I want to be dry and leave the shore

So, I leave the sea behind me

Forgiving the person I was

Not forgetting the person you are.