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Monday, January 23, 2023

suffocating lies

Your lies hurt me
Like a slow growing mold
Hidden in the walls of my house
Maybe you think you are saving us
From the harm of conflict
But I know something is not right
The dank smell of what's unsaid
Chokes me as I try to breathe
Maybe you're protecting yourself
From the sting of my disappointment 
But you're infecting our world
I'm woozy from the inconsistancy
Think of how nice an open door is
Sharing vulnerability is a calm breeze
Give me a chance to forgive you
Instead suffocating in shame.

Monday, January 16, 2023

your ugly is showing

It's hard to see you
Going back to your life
As if the world is normal
While a pandemic is thriving

We don't need those old Ugly Laws
To force us undesirables inside
All we need is your disinterest  
And a mass disabling event

So I wear my mask and stay inside
While you celebrate a return to life
An hope I never meet that fated day
When your disinterest will infect me.

Monday, January 9, 2023

unreliable

Despite my best intentions
All my effort to be organized
My body is unreliable
You can't count on me

Never know when my health will fail
Or when I won't remember detail
Can't say what days I won't be present
Or predict how many hours I can offer

If there were a habit I could cultivate 
I've spent a lifetime searching for it
I do the best with what I'm given
And aim to be as reliable as I can.

Monday, January 2, 2023

keeping it to myself

If I share my discomfort
With someone unfamiliar
Then I end up comforting them
Because their uncomfortable

They can say terrible things
Like, "I'd die if I were you."
I'm burdened with educating them
That may people live like I do

It's easier to fib with, "I'm good."
Than to convince them, "I'm fine."
I've learned to survive and accept
My flawed body and mind.

Monday, December 26, 2022

no "just me"

How many lives do we live
The different titles and names
Private yearing and defiant thoughts 
A chameleon in different backdrops
A work life, Family life, Private life
An inner life and hidden true nature
I am not one but many
If you mix the colors they get murky
So we keep them separate
Only open the paint we need
To paint the person they see
Because all the colors are me

Monday, December 19, 2022

aesthetically pleasing

Does frumpy have to be bad
Can it also be cute and colorful
Can I be put together and confident
Without form fitting clothes
Can I attain aestheticly pleasing
Avoiding attractive and alluring 
As I sprint away from sexy
Defying the male gaze
I'm not performing for another
My goal is not to be perceived
I want to look in the mirror
See a picture I find appealing
And smile happily for me.

Monday, December 12, 2022

not for you

I don't have to be pretty
Or smart or sexy or worthy
I don't owe you attractive
Or charismatic or even productive 
You can dislike me all you want
Shun me and idly dismiss me
And I don't have to care
Or have a reaction or engage 
I can be all the things I am
As your judgement lives outside me
Because I was born into this world
And my existence is enough.

Monday, December 5, 2022

supposed to be

Love was sold as a safe harbor
A cure for loneliness of old age
The trick to a happier life
Through one true companion
But I found the story of love to lie
A scary escapade to start
And then slow comfort over time
But my fear was their dazzle
And my comfort was their boring
Life showed me a different cliche
Loss of love let me find myself
Where alone wasn't always lonely
I had to get past the story of love
To write a memoir of me.

Monday, November 28, 2022

earned distrust

I don't trust boys or men
My individual distrust isn't fair
But it's based on sound evidence
Why are the few judged by the many
It's because the few don't act
Passively participating is still doing
Listening silently is implicit support
Yes, I'm suggesting radical acts
Men must police other men
Because men don't defer to women
Being womanly is an insult to men
When you truly respect someone
You want to emulate them
Until men want to be like women
I'm an angry feminist
Because their gender leans to harm
And my gender is considered lesser.

Monday, November 21, 2022

imperfection

I don't chase perfection
I dont even try
I sit still on the grass
And stare at the imperfect sky

The world is so muddy
Why try to stay dry
Puddles are for stomping
Mats to wipe the dirt goodbye

Sometimes I'm foolish
Don't feed me that polite lie
I see flaws in my reality
And my comfort is the right size.

Monday, November 14, 2022

private perception

I can't see through your eyes
I don't know what role I play
In your story I could be the villian 
Or I could be the Saint
You might see me as perfect
Or an example of failure
My fault is being curious
Imaging stories of your perception
It's none of my business 
Your thoughts of me are private 
I need to focus on how I define me
Be less concerned with what you see.

Monday, November 7, 2022

opposite doesn't mean opposition

Different is painful
It can seem like an attack
Opposite can feel like opposition
When, in reality, its not about you
You're judging yourself by my choices
And being mad because you don't fit
You're not the center of my universe
Anymore than I am the center of yours
My choices don't stomp out yours 
And I won't let your life define mine
Try to see yourself seperate from me
At a distance of worlds apart
You'll realize we won't collide 
I'm not even tugging at your gravity
We're not objects that rotate in sync
We're in seperate solar systems.

Friday, November 4, 2022

special for a while

I was special for a moment
They treated me different 
Like I was bright and shiny 
And then the shine wore off
Suddenly I was tarnished
Just another person to blame
To receive their dismissal and disdain 
They looped me in with all the rest
A failure to their perfection test
Because everyone was always wrong
While they were always right.

Monday, October 31, 2022

discrete annoyance

My annoyance is not your business
These are my private thoughts
And thoughts can be unfair
They can be stupid and pointless
They may have nothing to do with you
They can disappear in an instant

Your annoyance is not my business
You are allowed your feelings
You deserve your privacy
You can decide which battles you fight
Or choose to forgive my flaws
Your silence is yours to keep

Dare I suggest for us both
Fleeting frustration isn't of value
It might just be a passing spark
Until that spark turns to flame
Until the flame is unavoidable 
It might be better to let it go.

Monday, October 24, 2022

no nice guys

Nice men aren't real
Because nice is a performance
It's an act to make us comfortable
Following the rules of a social script
Kind men play a different game
They don't hide behind polite
They can be blunt and direct
As they deliver their compassion
Because kind isn't a transaction
Kind isn't always nice or easy
It can have boundaries and be akward
But give me a kind man anyday
I much prefer that over a nice guy.

Monday, October 17, 2022

loose lady bits

My pussy is used and experienced
When it's excited it's slippery
It understands pleasure

My twat isn't young or virginal
It isn't like unopened package
Inexperience isn't my game

Let me be clear, tight is painful
So why is a woman's displeasure
The ideal that men must aim?

Monday, October 10, 2022

personal space

Imagine my skin is barbed wire
There are spikes on my shoulder
Cactus pins at the base of my back
Treat me like I'm dangerous to touch
Like you need expert tools
My body isnt a public space
It's not freely open to strangers 
This is a private club, key required
Wait for permission to enter
If you refuse the rule of consent
Then I want nothing to do with you
Give me the chance to invite you
And I'll consider your application.


Monday, October 3, 2022

poetry

Poems are just wild thoughts
Ideas we forgot to keep to ourselves
Perception roaming outside our mind
We share our words with abandon
Hoping someone else will see us.

Monday, September 26, 2022

clumsy

Not aware of the space around me
Where my body fits or goes
My limbs are like marionet pieces
And I'm never a perfect puppeteer 

Always surprised when I stub my toe
Wasn't aware of my foot before that
Or when I bump into another person 
Its like my body came out of nowhere

There must be spacial awareness
For those with graceful bodies
but I'm more like an unaware ghost
Suddenly dumped in an earthly form. 

Monday, September 19, 2022

noobs don't know

It's tiring saying the same thing
Over and over and over again
Leading others through their journey
When we already learned that lesson
We had to do it the hard way
We had to do it without hand holding
We resent making it easy for others
Inviting means emotional labor
It requires patience and kindness
But that is the way we pass it on
One conversation at a time
Repeating the same old mantra
That's how we keep ourselves true
And how we change the world.

Monday, September 12, 2022

men don't like women

Men don't like womanliness
They want access to our bodies
They put a number on our desirability
But they're repelled by the thought
Of a man being like a woman
Feminine traits are not respectable 
They see our value as care givers
Our value as a doting companion
But they don't emulate our femininity 
They like us to be soft and compliant
Desire us young, innocent, and virginal 
They want to protect and dominate us
But they don't invite us as equals
They think consent is implied
Where spoken "no" is an unspoken "yes"
Like we don't know our own minds
The subtext of "happy wife, happy life"
Is a contract where they're entitled
Where sex is something withheld
Ourbody is a payment that is owed
The medicine of the feminine
Is a pill they take resentfully
We are are an itch they must scratch
An unplesant burden they must endure
Not something they'd ever want to become.

Monday, September 5, 2022

not royal

Not a princess
Don't wannabe queen
Not here to be rescued
Or waiting to be seen

My body and beauty
Can fuck right off
Physical form limits
Eyes on me are a trap

I didn't ask for a binary
Or gender to define me
So I refuse that evaluation
Reject role of mother or wifey

I love my lovely ladies
Suporting my sister in strife
If I must define my worth
It'll be what I alone bring to life.

Monday, August 29, 2022

new space race


A billion dollars annotates
A caricature of a human
With the luxury of leaving this world
Using us workers as human bricks
They build a staircase to the sky
The mortar is our worship of them
Our irrational desire to join them
In the capitalist gamble for wealth
That delusion keeps us pinned here
We give them our lives in productivity
While they hoard many lifetimes of wealth
Rocket ship roar of of their victory
We watch withour feet tied to earth.

Monday, August 22, 2022

double meaning

Sneaky words
Sometime sound good
Slowly second meaning
Contorts context and tone 
Compliment twists into criticism
The words bite from underneath
Hidden monster pulls us under
Air is replaced by water
Emotive as we drown
Emotionally flailing 
To just words
Right?


Monday, August 15, 2022

we fight to fight


Put us in a room
Activists and advocates
A group of strong willed people
Opinionated and passionate 
And expect a fight
We start out fighting the world
But when the world won't listen
We fight amongst ourselves
Because warriors don't wait 
We will find a war to win
Even if that war take us down.

Monday, August 8, 2022

elusive and elite

Being an expert is exclusive
It means you know fancy words
A language specific to your expertise 
But the culture of competition
Means expertise is not inviting
It's treated like a private club
If you haven't paid your dues
Proving your worth in words
Then you are effectively shut out
The elite don't want to guide you
They don't want to make it easy
Knowledge is secret and selective
Taking the time to translate is tiring
When experts wail about mass stupidity
Bemoaning request to dumb it down
They seem to forget the part they played
Making their knowledge unaccessable
When they used fancy words to smarten it up.

Monday, August 1, 2022

jaded old lady

I don't envy the young
Romance alive in their hearts
Full of ideals and blind faith
Believing the lies we're told

The young don't envy me
Jaded by years of experience 
Unable to escape our human failings
Seeing through the lies we're sold

We live on different sides of age
I don't think humans can have both
The naievete and hope of youth
The practical wisdom of being old.

Monday, July 25, 2022

you are not me

we are us, as in more than one
but you is you, and I is I
we are not I, and you is not I
don't confuse you with me
as I know me better
And you know you better
and we only know the little
that you or I decide to share
between us.

Monday, July 18, 2022

intrusive thoughts

Drowning in my own tea
A shallow pool to fall into
I brewed my own destruction
Because my face can't swim
I forgo the sugar and milk
Brush aside a useless cup
Spill a pool into the saucer
And dive in with mouth wide
A dramatic pause of held breath
It was a random thought, not intent
An uninvited image in my head
Instead of an inhale, I suck
Slurping up my internal drama
I know I can't breath that leafy water
And I wouldn't choose to choke
Tip the saucer up to finish my drink
My tea is done, the image gone
Now back to acting normal.

Monday, July 11, 2022

loud silence

The voice in my head is so loud
With so many things to say
Things I leave painfully unspoken
With every passing day

The world doesn't welcome my words
When they contradict the norm
My mouth stays tight and silent
As words spoken would lead to a storm

As I bind my words away
Convinced silence protects me
Am I leaving others to suffer
By denying them our community

Cowardice and self-preservation
Are siblings of the same fame
I don't know what is truly right
But I live quietly, all the same.

Monday, July 4, 2022

trustworthiness

An elusive thing, trust
Sometimes fragile gift 
Sometimes stuborn blindness
Sometimes trained by suspicion 
So easy to break and hard to repair
We expect it even when we destroy it
It comes with conditions and expectation
With all our internal failings and flaws
Is it human to trust or even be trustworthy?

Monday, June 27, 2022

style of kindness

As you stand in the distance
Your sight is offended
You declare I am rude
You simply do not approve
You know a better way to be

But I've only embarrassed myself
Standing seperate from the crowd
Being awkward or wierd or cringy
Whether close or seperate from you
Those things are mine to be

Why does it matter so much
Others perceptions as they see
How am I hurting the world
What am I inficting on you
What does your derrise do for me

Maybe I should have an opinion of you
Judging other is a terrible accessory
You should wear more compassion 
If you want to truly be in style
Focus on you, instead of criticizing me.

Monday, June 20, 2022

No replacing lived experience

An exercise in school
They put me in a blindfold
An attempt to educate
It was like a backstage pass
I got to peek behind the curtain
A brief glimpse into another life 
But there was no length in my stay
Removing the blindfold returned my sight
Years later I dated a blind man
He was into judo, I had chronic fatigue
Both disabled but in such different ways
I had vision and he had energy
We told each other our stories 
We were close as partners can be
But I could only know what he told me
He couldn't know what my insides feel like
No words can replace lived experience.

Monday, June 13, 2022

hot consent

Don't pull my hair
And slap me with a silly grin
That's called assault, not flirting

No one is owed intimacy
Bodies aren't land to be conquered 
Touch without consent is an invasion

Boys are only boys
When no one calls them out
We all know the subtle cues of pain

Girls understand civil behavior
Why are men allowed explosive emotion
As women suppress their tears

Guys don't like these new rules
Maybe time for some castration laws
Maybe dicks can be public property, too.

Monday, June 6, 2022

The lie of doctor patience

Doctors are taught that patients lie
So, they don't believe what I tell them
Because I don't fit into what they believe
If my experience contradicts their knowledge
Then they deem my experience wrong
So, I bend the truth to fit into their narrative
Much like I hide my pain from the public
And I try not to overburden my loved ones
I tell the doctor what they want to hear
I minimize my story, focus on right now
No muddy mention of my past
No curiosity of my own condition
I hide my education and persistence
I let the doctor solve the mystery alone
So they can win at the puzzle of me.

Monday, May 30, 2022

Doctors make me cry

Anxious, I arrive at the appointment 
I want to believe it will be different
Maybe they won't dismiss me
Maybe they'll listen this time
Afterwards, I sit in the car and cry
Because they're so predictable 
Medical school teaches them we lie
Insurance decide how they can help
And I don't fit their medical model
I'm a complicated case
With too many ongoing symptoms
So I only go when it's bad
When my symptoms are acute
Because I need them to believe me
Because sick is my everyday
But my truth is never enough
It doesn't convince their authority 
I walk away dissatisfied 
Tears crashing down from my eyes.

Monday, May 23, 2022

I survived today

Some days life hurts
And today included pain
In a terrible wave it hit me
It was awful and it overwhelming 
I suffered with eyes closed
A moment felt like forever
I thought it might never end
But then the wave passed
And it still hurt, but less so
I was grateful for the smaller pain
And eager for the end of today
Because tommorow is a new day
Because some days life doesn't hurt.

Monday, May 16, 2022

not my potential

It's not our job to see potential in others
We are not tasked with improving them
If they didn't ask to be mentored
Or request our guidance in changing
It's not fair to mold them to our expectation
To try and change someone for our needs
The belief that manipulation can be good
That we are doing what's best for them
Thats stealing their chance to choose
Abusing throught lies and obfuscation 
They deserve to make their own mistakes
To be autonomous in their decision
To be a person that doesn't serve our needs
Growth and evolution is a personal journey
Only I can choose to change me
And they should get the same oportunity.


Monday, May 9, 2022

Speaking freely

I let my tongue wag loose
Free to say whatever it wants
I speak comfortably and confidently 
You can be impressed by my esteem
Or you can recognize my folly
Sometimes I make a fool of myself 
I mess up what I'm trying to say
I say things in a very wrong way
That us the cost of a free tongue
Actions have consequences 
And my tounge lives with regrets.

Monday, May 2, 2022

cruel animal

Humans are born with
Compassion and kindness
So how do we lose them
Where do they go
Is it a lack of nurture
Or the harsh lessons of life
Removing our nature of care
Turning us into jaded adults
We end up keeping pain alive
Passing on perceived harm
We nurture the worst part of us
We can be such cruel animals.

Monday, April 25, 2022

The body I have

I could envy a healthy body and sound mind
But I'd have to make up a story
A fiction of what it must be like
Because I've never had those things
I don't want to pine away for the imagined
What is the value in such fantasy
Snake oil salesmen may claim otherwise
But there's no path to an easy cure
This is the body I was born to and live in
I've spent a lifetime learning my limitations
I may be curious about another experience
To be in a body that does what is expected
But I refuse to live with envy
I refuse to imagine myself into hate.

Monday, April 18, 2022

unsolicited opinion

Your opinion is an uninvited guest
I didn't open the door for you to say anything
Don't sneak it in as a compliment
Or an underhanded attempt to share
Acting like you're all white picket fences
Next to my abandoned fixer upper
I'm not looking to get your buy in
My life isn't an open house
I'm not looking to buy your wares
My face is a no solicitors sign
So, stop being a nosy neighbor
We certainly don't live on the same street
Because I don't barge into random houses
I focus on my own life, I tend my own house
If I want an opinion, if I'm looking for advice,
Give me the chance to ask for it.

Monday, April 11, 2022

identity first

Policing my language
When I speak of my identity
Is simply unacceptable 
The culture may decree
Whatever it wants about words
But I decree what is true for me
You may think you know better
But I get to choose what I call myself
If you can dare to listen to my words
If you decide to respect my choice
I might believe your trying to understand
I might believe you care about I.

Monday, April 4, 2022

Curiosity Denied

Curiosity liked to stroll the streets
Eager to know their neighbors
One days Curosity noticed a new house
Privacy was out mowing its lawn
Privacy saw earnest Curiosity in the distance 
Privacy went inside and drew the curtains
Curiosity rushed to the unfamilar door
Curiosity turned the knob, but it was locked
Curiosity was used to strolling in, uninvited
But Curiosity was also a bit of a flake
And once interest warned, Curiosity left
Other neighbors coped in their own ways
Intimacy didn't find Curiosity reliable
Often annoyed by their inconsistancy
Curiosity didn't really respect Boundaries
Even when Boundaries built a gate
Curiosity just climbed right over it
So now Boundaries avoided Curiosity
But Privacy was new and interesting
Curiosity called out, pounding at the door
Privacy persistently didn't answer
Curiosity got louder, demanding to be let in
Night rolled in and finally Curiosity left
In the dark of night, Privacy stepped outside
Boundaries walked down the dim street
Boundaries stopped in eyesight of Privacy
Boundaries waited for Privacy to wave
A bit later, Intimacy walked down the street
Privacy looked for Boundaires blessing
Feeling reassured, Privacy waved at Intimacy
Standing outside, in companionable silence,
They felt bad about excluding Curiosity
But not bad enough to invite Curiosity over
So the three new friends went inside
And Privacy locked the door behind them.

Monday, March 28, 2022

Doctors are the villian in my story


As a kid, I coughed until I threw up my dinner
Screamed from painful ear infections
Spend school lunch in the nurses office
Wet my pants heading for the toilet

As a preteen, they sent me to a psychiatrist
To sort out my runny nose and cough
The psychiatrist told me to "do better"
To stop making my mom's life hard

As a teen, the truant officer came to the door
Mom told me to go to school achy
The school wouldn't take her notes anymore
Wait until the nurses office sent me home

As an adult, my boss told me to show up
Coworkers got mad when I came to work sick
Doctor wrote me a note with an end date
But I was still sick when I returned to work

I'm old now and Doctors blame my age
To few symptoms and they ignore me
To many symptoms and they dismiss me
If I wait too long to visit they shame me

What I've learned is that doctors make me cry
I don't expect to be healthy anytime soon
But I'm pretty good at surviving while ill 
Expert level at hiding my sick.

Monday, March 21, 2022

Closed to the public

You don't get to decide 
If my truth holds merit 
Your curiosity isn't owed
Just because I'm different 
You have no right to my story
My privacy is a closed door
You don't deserve an explanation
Just because I mentioned me
If you really think you're owed
Then your priveledge is showing 
The only thing you own is you
I'm not giving tours to me today.

Monday, March 14, 2022

Atoms in this galaxy

No more than ants to an elephant
Or a spec of sand to the sun
That us the only way I can see
Comparing ourself in this universe
Some propose a greater being
A greater intelligence to design
But then they have the hubris to think
It speaks to us all, it listens to us all
That it cares more for some than others
My thoughts lean toward existential dread
I dont think the galaxy speaks to me 
There is no one tuned in to my silent pleas
I can be grateful for my unique existence 
And agnostic to my place in this universe.

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

my priveledge

First world
White middle class
Well educated
This is not bragging 
This is my priveledge 
I didn't earn these
I am not superior
These are my benefits
My unfair source of power
I wish I could share them
But all I can do is be aware
That I have things others don't
Removing the barriers I can
And admitting my bias 
This isn't fair or right
It's just the world I live in.

Monday, March 7, 2022

Carrying these under eye bags

When allergies bruise my face
With deep set racoon eyes
Meds only help so much
Only time and sleep can fix
The curse my body lives with
These puffy, achy pains of existing
Doing too much or doing to little
There is no win, only compromise
I avoid what I can and live moderately
But yesterday the world beat me me up
And now my body's bullied into submission
These deep purple circles under my eyes
Tell me today I need to rest.

Monday, February 28, 2022

uninspired

A fine whine comes at the time
When inspiration is in decline
I use fire to fuel my brain
Fill the furnace with my pain
Wait for the watched pot to boil
Hold my breath until it uncoils 
Step away to let it simmer
Smoke'll let me know when it's dinner.