suffocating lies

Your lies hurt me

Like a slow growing mold

Hidden in the walls of my house

Maybe you think you are saving us

From the harm of conflict

But I know something is not right

The dank smell of what's unsaid

Chokes me as I try to breathe

Maybe you're protecting yourself

From the sting of my disappointment 

But you're infecting our world

I'm woozy from the inconsistancy

Think of how nice an open door is

Sharing vulnerability is a calm breeze

Give me a chance to forgive you

Instead suffocating in shame.

your ugly is showing

It's hard to see you

Going back to your life

As if the world is normal

While a pandemic is thriving

We don't need those old Ugly Laws

To force us undesirables inside

All we need is your disinterest  

And a mass disabling event

So I wear my mask and stay inside

While you celebrate a return to life

An hope I never meet that fated day

When your disinterest will infect me.

unreliable

Despite my best intentions

All my effort to be organized

My body is unreliable

You can't count on me

Never know when my health will fail

Or when I won't remember detail

Can't say what days I won't be present

Or predict how many hours I can offer

If there were a habit I could cultivate 

I've spent a lifetime searching for it

I do the best with what I'm given

And aim to be as reliable as I can.

keeping it to myself

If I share my discomfort

With someone unfamiliar

Then I end up comforting them

Because their uncomfortable

They can say terrible things

Like, "I'd die if I were you."

I'm burdened with educating them

That may people live like I do

It's easier to fib with, "I'm good."

Than to convince them, "I'm fine."

I've learned to survive and accept

My flawed body and mind.

no "just me"

How many lives do we live

The different titles and names

Private yearing and defiant thoughts 

A chameleon in different backdrops

A work life, Family life, Private life

An inner life and hidden true nature

I am not one but many

If you mix the colors they get murky

So we keep them separate

Only open the paint we need

To paint the person they see

Because all the colors are me

aesthetically pleasing

Does frumpy have to be bad

Can it also be cute and colorful

Can I be put together and confident

Without form fitting clothes

Can I attain aestheticly pleasing

Avoiding attractive and alluring 

As I sprint away from sexy

Defying the male gaze

I'm not performing for another

My goal is not to be perceived

I want to look in the mirror

See a picture I find appealing

And smile happily for me.

not for you

I don't have to be pretty

Or smart or sexy or worthy

I don't owe you attractive

Or charismatic or even productive 

You can dislike me all you want

Shun me and idly dismiss me

And I don't have to care

Or have a reaction or engage 

I can be all the things I am

As your judgement lives outside me

Because I was born into this world

And my existence is enough.

supposed to be

Love was sold as a safe harbor

A cure for loneliness of old age

The trick to a happier life

Through one true companion

But I found the story of love to lie

A scary escapade to start

And then slow comfort over time

But my fear was their dazzle

And my comfort was their boring

Life showed me a different cliche

Loss of love let me find myself

Where alone wasn't always lonely

I had to get past the story of love

To write a memoir of me.

earned distrust

I don't trust boys or men

My individual distrust isn't fair

But it's based on sound evidence

Why are the few judged by the many

It's because the few don't act

Passively participating is still doing

Listening silently is implicit support

Yes, I'm suggesting radical acts

Men must police other men

Because men don't defer to women

Being womanly is an insult to men

When you truly respect someone

You want to emulate them

Until men want to be like women

I'm an angry feminist

Because their gender leans to harm

And my gender is considered lesser.

imperfection

I don't chase perfection

I dont even try

I sit still on the grass

And stare at the imperfect sky

The world is so muddy

Why try to stay dry

Puddles are for stomping

Mats to wipe the dirt goodbye

Sometimes I'm foolish

Don't feed me that polite lie

I see flaws in my reality

And my comfort is the right size.

private perception

I can't see through your eyes

I don't know what role I play

In your story I could be the villian 

Or I could be the Saint

You might see me as perfect

Or an example of failure

My fault is being curious

Imaging stories of your perception

It's none of my business 

Your thoughts of me are private 

I need to focus on how I define me

Be less concerned with what you see.

opposite doesn't mean opposition

Different is painful

It can seem like an attack

Opposite can feel like opposition

When, in reality, its not about you

You're judging yourself by my choices

And being mad because you don't fit

You're not the center of my universe

Anymore than I am the center of yours

My choices don't stomp out yours 

And I won't let your life define mine

Try to see yourself seperate from me

At a distance of worlds apart

You'll realize we won't collide 

I'm not even tugging at your gravity

We're not objects that rotate in sync

We're in seperate solar systems.

special for a while

I was special for a moment

They treated me different 

Like I was bright and shiny 

And then the shine wore off

Suddenly I was tarnished

Just another person to blame

To receive their dismissal and disdain 

They looped me in with all the rest

A failure to their perfection test

Because everyone was always wrong

While they were always right.

discrete annoyance

My annoyance is not your business

These are my private thoughts

And thoughts can be unfair

They can be stupid and pointless

They may have nothing to do with you

They can disappear in an instant

Your annoyance is not my business

You are allowed your feelings

You deserve your privacy

You can decide which battles you fight

Or choose to forgive my flaws

Your silence is yours to keep

Dare I suggest for us both

Fleeting frustration isn't of value

It might just be a passing spark

Until that spark turns to flame

Until the flame is unavoidable 

It might be better to let it go.

no nice guys

Nice men aren't real

Because nice is a performance

It's an act to make us comfortable

Following the rules of a social script

Kind men play a different game

They don't hide behind polite

They can be blunt and direct

As they deliver their compassion

Because kind isn't a transaction

Kind isn't always nice or easy

It can have boundaries and be akward

But give me a kind man anyday

I much prefer that over a nice guy.

loose lady bits

My pussy is used and experienced

When it's excited it's slippery

It understands pleasure

My twat isn't young or virginal

It isn't like unopened package

Inexperience isn't my game

Let me be clear, tight is painful

So why is a woman's displeasure

The ideal that men must aim?

personal space

Imagine my skin is barbed wire

There are spikes on my shoulder

Cactus pins at the base of my back

Treat me like I'm dangerous to touch

Like you need expert tools

My body isnt a public space

It's not freely open to strangers 

This is a private club, key required

Wait for permission to enter

If you refuse the rule of consent

Then I want nothing to do with you

Give me the chance to invite you

And I'll consider your application.

poetry

Poems are just wild thoughts

Ideas we forgot to keep to ourselves

Perception roaming outside our mind

We share our words with abandon

Hoping someone else will see us.

clumsy

Not aware of the space around me

Where my body fits or goes

My limbs are like marionet pieces

And I'm never a perfect puppeteer 

Always surprised when I stub my toe

Wasn't aware of my foot before that

Or when I bump into another person 

Its like my body came out of nowhere

There must be spacial awareness

For those with graceful bodies

but I'm more like an unaware ghost

Suddenly dumped in an earthly form. 

noobs don't know

It's tiring saying the same thing

Over and over and over again

Leading others through their journey

When we already learned that lesson

We had to do it the hard way

We had to do it without hand holding

We resent making it easy for others

Inviting means emotional labor

It requires patience and kindness

But that is the way we pass it on

One conversation at a time

Repeating the same old mantra

That's how we keep ourselves true

And how we change the world.

men don't like women

Men don't like womanliness

They want access to our bodies

They put a number on our desirability

But they're repelled by the thought

Of a man being like a woman

Feminine traits are not respectable 

They see our value as care givers

Our value as a doting companion

But they don't emulate our femininity 

They like us to be soft and compliant

Desire us young, innocent, and virginal 

They want to protect and dominate us

But they don't invite us as equals

They think consent is implied

Where spoken "no" is an unspoken "yes"

Like we don't know our own minds

The subtext of "happy wife, happy life"

Is a contract where they're entitled

Where sex is something withheld

Ourbody is a payment that is owed

The medicine of the feminine

Is a pill they take resentfully

We are are an itch they must scratch

An unplesant burden they must endure

Not something they'd ever want to become.

not royal

Not a princess

Don't wannabe queen

Not here to be rescued

Or waiting to be seen

My body and beauty

Can fuck right off

Physical form limits

Eyes on me are a trap

I didn't ask for a binary

Or gender to define me

So I refuse that evaluation

Reject role of mother or wifey

I love my lovely ladies

Suporting my sister in strife

If I must define my worth

It'll be what I alone bring to life.

new space race

A billion dollars annotates

A caricature of a human

With the luxury of leaving this world

Using us workers as human bricks

They build a staircase to the sky

The mortar is our worship of them

Our irrational desire to join them

In the capitalist gamble for wealth

That delusion keeps us pinned here

We give them our lives in productivity

While they hoard many lifetimes of wealth

Rocket ship roar of of their victory

We watch withour feet tied to earth.

double meaning

Sneaky words

Sometime sound good

Slowly second meaning

Contorts context and tone 

Compliment twists into criticism

The words bite from underneath

Hidden monster pulls us under

Air is replaced by water

Emotive as we drown

Emotionally flailing 

To just words

Right?

we fight to fight

Put us in a room

Activists and advocates

A group of strong willed people

Opinionated and passionate 

And expect a fight

We start out fighting the world

But when the world won't listen

We fight amongst ourselves

Because warriors don't wait 

We will find a war to win

Even if that war take us down.

elusive and elite

Being an expert is exclusive

It means you know fancy words

A language specific to your expertise 

But the culture of competition

Means expertise is not inviting

It's treated like a private club

If you haven't paid your dues

Proving your worth in words

Then you are effectively shut out

The elite don't want to guide you

They don't want to make it easy

Knowledge is secret and selective

Taking the time to translate is tiring

When experts wail about mass stupidity

Bemoaning request to dumb it down

They seem to forget the part they played

Making their knowledge unaccessable

When they used fancy words to smarten it up.

jaded old lady

I don't envy the young

Romance alive in their hearts

Full of ideals and blind faith

Believing the lies we're told

The young don't envy me

Jaded by years of experience 

Unable to escape our human failings

Seeing through the lies we're sold

We live on different sides of age

I don't think humans can have both

The naievete and hope of youth

The practical wisdom of being old.

you are not me

we are us, as in more than one

but you is you, and I is I

we are not I, and you is not I

don't confuse you with me

as I know me better

And you know you better

and we only know the little

that you or I decide to share

between us.

intrusive thoughts

Drowning in my own tea

A shallow pool to fall into

I brewed my own destruction

Because my face can't swim

I forgo the sugar and milk

Brush aside a useless cup

Spill a pool into the saucer

And dive in with mouth wide

A dramatic pause of held breath

It was a random thought, not intent

An uninvited image in my head

Instead of an inhale, I suck

Slurping up my internal drama

I know I can't breath that leafy water

And I wouldn't choose to choke

Tip the saucer up to finish my drink

My tea is done, the image gone

Now back to acting normal.

loud silence

The voice in my head is so loud

With so many things to say

Things I leave painfully unspoken

With every passing day

The world doesn't welcome my words

When they contradict the norm

My mouth stays tight and silent

As words spoken would lead to a storm

As I bind my words away

Convinced silence protects me

Am I leaving others to suffer

By denying them our community

Cowardice and self-preservation

Are siblings of the same fame

I don't know what is truly right

But I live quietly, all the same.

trustworthiness

An elusive thing, trust

Sometimes fragile gift 

Sometimes stuborn blindness

Sometimes trained by suspicion 

So easy to break and hard to repair

We expect it even when we destroy it

It comes with conditions and expectation

With all our internal failings and flaws

Is it human to trust or even be trustworthy?

style of kindness

As you stand in the distance

Your sight is offended

You declare I am rude

You simply do not approve

You know a better way to be

But I've only embarrassed myself

Standing seperate from the crowd

Being awkward or wierd or cringy

Whether close or seperate from you

Those things are mine to be

Why does it matter so much

Others perceptions as they see

How am I hurting the world

What am I inficting on you

What does your derrise do for me

Maybe I should have an opinion of you

Judging other is a terrible accessory

You should wear more compassion 

If you want to truly be in style

Focus on you, instead of criticizing me.

No replacing lived experience

An exercise in school

They put me in a blindfold

An attempt to educate

It was like a backstage pass

I got to peek behind the curtain

A brief glimpse into another life 

But there was no length in my stay

Removing the blindfold returned my sight

Years later I dated a blind man

He was into judo, I had chronic fatigue

Both disabled but in such different ways

I had vision and he had energy

We told each other our stories 

We were close as partners can be

But I could only know what he told me

He couldn't know what my insides feel like

No words can replace lived experience.

hot consent

Don't pull my hair

And slap me with a silly grin

That's called assault, not flirting

No one is owed intimacy

Bodies aren't land to be conquered 

Touch without consent is an invasion

Boys are only boys

When no one calls them out

We all know the subtle cues of pain

Girls understand civil behavior

Why are men allowed explosive emotion

As women suppress their tears

Guys don't like these new rules

Maybe time for some castration laws

Maybe dicks can be public property, too.

The lie of doctor patience

Doctors are taught that patients lie

So, they don't believe what I tell them

Because I don't fit into what they believe

If my experience contradicts their knowledge

Then they deem my experience wrong

So, I bend the truth to fit into their narrative

Much like I hide my pain from the public

And I try not to overburden my loved ones

I tell the doctor what they want to hear

I minimize my story, focus on right now

No muddy mention of my past

No curiosity of my own condition

I hide my education and persistence

I let the doctor solve the mystery alone

So they can win at the puzzle of me.

Doctors make me cry

Anxious, I arrive at the appointment 

I want to believe it will be different

Maybe they won't dismiss me

Maybe they'll listen this time

Afterwards, I sit in the car and cry

Because they're so predictable 

Medical school teaches them we lie

Insurance decide how they can help

And I don't fit their medical model

I'm a complicated case

With too many ongoing symptoms

So I only go when it's bad

When my symptoms are acute

Because I need them to believe me

Because sick is my everyday

But my truth is never enough

It doesn't convince their authority 

I walk away dissatisfied 

Tears crashing down from my eyes.

I survived today

Some days life hurts

And today included pain

In a terrible wave it hit me

It was awful and it overwhelming 

I suffered with eyes closed

A moment felt like forever

I thought it might never end

But then the wave passed

And it still hurt, but less so

I was grateful for the smaller pain

And eager for the end of today

Because tommorow is a new day

Because some days life doesn't hurt.

not my potential

It's not our job to see potential in others

We are not tasked with improving them

If they didn't ask to be mentored

Or request our guidance in changing

It's not fair to mold them to our expectation

To try and change someone for our needs

The belief that manipulation can be good

That we are doing what's best for them

Thats stealing their chance to choose

Abusing throught lies and obfuscation 

They deserve to make their own mistakes

To be autonomous in their decision

To be a person that doesn't serve our needs

Growth and evolution is a personal journey

Only I can choose to change me

And they should get the same oportunity.

Speaking freely

I let my tongue wag loose

Free to say whatever it wants

I speak comfortably and confidently 

You can be impressed by my esteem

Or you can recognize my folly

Sometimes I make a fool of myself 

I mess up what I'm trying to say

I say things in a very wrong way

That us the cost of a free tongue

Actions have consequences 

And my tounge lives with regrets.

cruel animal

Humans are born with

Compassion and kindness

So how do we lose them

Where do they go

Is it a lack of nurture

Or the harsh lessons of life

Removing our nature of care

Turning us into jaded adults

We end up keeping pain alive

Passing on perceived harm

We nurture the worst part of us

We can be such cruel animals.

The body I have

I could envy a healthy body and sound mind

But I'd have to make up a story

A fiction of what it must be like

Because I've never had those things

I don't want to pine away for the imagined

What is the value in such fantasy

Snake oil salesmen may claim otherwise

But there's no path to an easy cure

This is the body I was born to and live in

I've spent a lifetime learning my limitations

I may be curious about another experience

To be in a body that does what is expected

But I refuse to live with envy

I refuse to imagine myself into hate.

unsolicited opinion

Your opinion is an uninvited guest

I didn't open the door for you to say anything

Don't sneak it in as a compliment

Or an underhanded attempt to share

Acting like you're all white picket fences

Next to my abandoned fixer upper

I'm not looking to get your buy in

My life isn't an open house

I'm not looking to buy your wares

My face is a no solicitors sign

So, stop being a nosy neighbor

We certainly don't live on the same street

Because I don't barge into random houses

I focus on my own life, I tend my own house

If I want an opinion, if I'm looking for advice,

Give me the chance to ask for it.

identity first

Policing my language

When I speak of my identity

Is simply unacceptable 

The culture may decree

Whatever it wants about words

But I decree what is true for me

You may think you know better

But I get to choose what I call myself

If you can dare to listen to my words

If you decide to respect my choice

I might believe your trying to understand

I might believe you care about I.

Curiosity Denied

Curiosity liked to stroll the streets

Eager to know their neighbors

One days Curosity noticed a new house

Privacy was out mowing its lawn

Privacy saw earnest Curiosity in the distance 

Privacy went inside and drew the curtains

Curiosity rushed to the unfamilar door

Curiosity turned the knob, but it was locked

Curiosity was used to strolling in, uninvited

But Curiosity was also a bit of a flake

And once interest warned, Curiosity left

Other neighbors coped in their own ways

Intimacy didn't find Curiosity reliable

Often annoyed by their inconsistancy

Curiosity didn't really respect Boundaries

Even when Boundaries built a gate

Curiosity just climbed right over it

So now Boundaries avoided Curiosity

But Privacy was new and interesting

Curiosity called out, pounding at the door

Privacy persistently didn't answer

Curiosity got louder, demanding to be let in

Night rolled in and finally Curiosity left

In the dark of night, Privacy stepped outside

Boundaries walked down the dim street

Boundaries stopped in eyesight of Privacy

Boundaries waited for Privacy to wave

A bit later, Intimacy walked down the street

Privacy looked for Boundaires blessing

Feeling reassured, Privacy waved at Intimacy

Standing outside, in companionable silence,

They felt bad about excluding Curiosity

But not bad enough to invite Curiosity over

So the three new friends went inside

And Privacy locked the door behind them.

Doctors are the villian in my story

As a kid, I coughed until I threw up my dinner

Screamed from painful ear infections

Spend school lunch in the nurses office

Wet my pants heading for the toilet

As a preteen, they sent me to a psychiatrist

To sort out my runny nose and cough

The psychiatrist told me to "do better"

To stop making my mom's life hard

As a teen, the truant officer came to the door

Mom told me to go to school achy

The school wouldn't take her notes anymore

Wait until the nurses office sent me home

As an adult, my boss told me to show up

Coworkers got mad when I came to work sick

Doctor wrote me a note with an end date

But I was still sick when I returned to work

I'm old now and Doctors blame my age

To few symptoms and they ignore me

To many symptoms and they dismiss me

If I wait too long to visit they shame me

What I've learned is that doctors make me cry

I don't expect to be healthy anytime soon

But I'm pretty good at surviving while ill 

Expert level at hiding my sick.

Closed to the public

You don't get to decide 

If my truth holds merit 

Your curiosity isn't owed

Just because I'm different 

You have no right to my story

My privacy is a closed door

You don't deserve an explanation

Just because I mentioned me

If you really think you're owed

Then your priveledge is showing 

The only thing you own is you

I'm not giving tours to me today.

Atoms in this galaxy

No more than ants to an elephant

Or a spec of sand to the sun

That us the only way I can see

Comparing ourself in this universe

Some propose a greater being

A greater intelligence to design

But then they have the hubris to think

It speaks to us all, it listens to us all

That it cares more for some than others

My thoughts lean toward existential dread

I dont think the galaxy speaks to me 

There is no one tuned in to my silent pleas

I can be grateful for my unique existence 

And agnostic to my place in this universe.

my priveledge

First world

White middle class

Well educated

This is not bragging 

This is my priveledge 

I didn't earn these

I am not superior

These are my benefits

My unfair source of power

I wish I could share them

But all I can do is be aware

That I have things others don't

Removing the barriers I can

And admitting my bias 

This isn't fair or right

It's just the world I live in.

Carrying these under eye bags

When allergies bruise my face

With deep set racoon eyes

Meds only help so much

Only time and sleep can fix

The curse my body lives with

These puffy, achy pains of existing

Doing too much or doing to little

There is no win, only compromise

I avoid what I can and live moderately

But yesterday the world beat me me up

And now my body's bullied into submission

These deep purple circles under my eyes

Tell me today I need to rest.

uninspired

A fine whine comes at the time

When inspiration is in decline

I use fire to fuel my brain

Fill the furnace with my pain

Wait for the watched pot to boil

Hold my breath until it uncoils 

Step away to let it simmer

Smoke'll let me know when it's dinner.