everyday hurts

Wailing aches

Screaming pains

My body yells a story

It loudly complains 

Like a whining infant

My body doesn't care

The world infects me

Through the evil air

In the food I eat

Just sitting here

Can't escape malaise

Can't make me better

Existence isn't fair.

cringe

I may make you uncomfortable

With the way I wear myself

Daring to be awkward and rude

Speaking my oddly personal truth

Showing off my imperfect art

Refusing to hide my broken body

Maybe it's cringy to be me

I wish for you my self esteem.

deep or a above

Being the biggest root

Doesn't make you a leaf

A leaf soaks it up the sun

Living idly in the soft wind

Us roots are underground 

Deep in the dark dirt

A serf to the whole of the tree

We serve the same master

But we aren't in the same place

We can't always escape our position

But we can be aware of it.

suffer the introvert

Mingling is abhorrent

Torture of the introvert

A room full of strangers

Filling space with polite words

As if the air shouldn't be empty

Awkward introductions

Iike a poorly timed cold call

Leading to stilted exchanges

The funny ones perform

And the shy ones hover

And I just sit in my corner

Waiting for the gathering to end.

entitled

Entitled is a companion of priveledge

A mistaken belief that the world is fair

An accusation suggesting there is a right

But the world is a complex system

And there is no proven design

We're a cog in this invisible machine

Can't predict when a wrench is thrown in

Or unexpected deviation from the norm

The metaphoric world doesn't care

You may have support to stop your suffering 

But that bring us back to priveledge

Priveledge isn't the world being right or fair

This is the world tilted in your favor

Entitlement is the belief that tilt is owed.

value of a penny

Capitalism and colinization

Fancy words for money and power

We own, and merge, and buyout

Then promote the owners like it's a gift

Appropriate what we can't destroy

Destroy the parts that don't get along

Bland consumerism is the peak

Thinking our entitled selves are unique

A few live on the work of many

The many suffer the value of a penny.

risk

Tisk tisk

Taking a risk

Straddling fear

And making a mess

Daring exception

In a purposeful life

So easy to start

Shocked by the stop

Swearing never again

Trying not to look back

With a sinking heart

Here comes regret.

lady power

Soft womanly demeanor

Deferring to another

Setting an extra plate

Inviting to strangers

Strength in giving

An open door isn't weak

Holding it open is power.

anxious thoughts

Outside they tell me not to dread

Relax. Calm down. Don't fret.

But the competing voices in my head

Speak louder than they get

Like an uncomfortable party

With a dysfunction family

These are the thoughts I live with

And you can't explain them away

No words will stop my ruminating 

Dismissing me just pisses me off.

body ached

My body makes me pay

Too much fun or too little

Either way I get to suffer

It's hard to have good memories 

When they're all followed by bad days

Pain follows around my search for joy

As a rain cloud eager to soak me

So I have to be okay in wet clothes

I have to smile as I shiver 

Because there is no escaping my body

It's with me forever.

daily news

They tell salacious stories 

Entertainment from pain

We seek tales of outliers

Dull doesn't garner clicks

Thinking, "Not in my back yard"

Desensitized to the exception

Fueling a 24 hour news cycle 

Happy doesn't sell papers

Reality can't compete with fear

Horrible seems imminent 

We made this bed of terror

Good news just isn't exciting

The world is full of stories

We ignore logic and reason

We're jaded by what we hear

We listen, glued to our chair.

companionable silence

The silence is calming

The together is silent

We do our own things

Together but seperate 

As we sit side by side

Words aren't needed

No need to fill the void

Companionship fills it.

forgiving myself

I don't want to be mad

At your lies and deception

You lied to you and then to me

You bought your own fake story

You believed deception can be right

And I believed in the fake you

I bought you line and sinker

Wondered why I was drowning

Until I swam myself to shore

Now I see you treading water

Calling for me to come back in

You know I can't swim anymore

I'm sad that you can't change

Mad at myself for wanting to believe

I don't want to be angry anymore

I want to be dry and leave the shore

So, I leave the sea behind me

Forgiving the person I was

Not forgetting the person you are.

We won't silence me

Can you find comfort without opression 

Be free without smothering others

Leave space for a different viewpoint

Why is it your way or the highway

When we each have our own roof

Independent brain mushy with electric smarts

Is conversion the only option

Or can we live cohesive amongst individuals 

I won't proselytize if you dont evangelize 

Maybe I'm hoping for too much

That we can live each seperate and together

I'll keep trying to stop we from silencing me.

Which Witch

The mistake was believing in magic

The cat knew this, the human was oblivious

Lady smelled of sandlewood oil

With hints of laundry soap and human skin

Even in the fragrant outdoor garden 

Cat could smell her human

On an alter with precious knick knacks

Lady focused her attention

The cat took pity on the powerless human

With a loving rub of feline scent

Cat let Lady sway the world a tiny bit

This wasn't rabbit or dog or bird power

It was the sneaky magic of a cat

The fiercly loyal love of a feral feline

Not that any human would notice

Brains get in the way of intuition

Magic is animal, a knowing without thinking

So Lady went on with her ritual

As Cat stalked a beam of sunlight

Lady thought of cat as her familiar

But only cat knew who held the power.

passive voice

You tell me not to say I'm sorry

You demand that I stand up for myself

Maybe I'm okay with the words I say

Maybe you should be patient anyway

What if I like being soft and inviting

What if I choose not to dominate

Your active voice rules the world

Giving notes on my life and my choices

Is it really rebelling to match your tone

Or perhaps defiant to choose my own

My words encourages others to speak

Just because you try to put me in my place

Doesn't mean I'm the one that's weak.

faulty form

This is body, this is my skin,

These are the walls I live in

Not a rich house, nor a pretty one,

At least you'd think I'd get function

Dreary walls with faulty foundation

Stands up to the weather, barely

I put pictures up to decorate

But still find I can't escape

This is my home and my prison.

genders gauche gift

A picturesque pose for a painter

An abject object thought owned

A gender gentile and grateful

A sex sinful with sentiment

A mask mimiking remorse

A tribute trite and untrue

A lot lost to the lessor

A rebel reticent to remain.

wilted words

Why is it the art I like 

Not the art I write

I read away each day

And find the words I splay

Aren't flattering imitation

Or flat out derivative

I wish my words hit true

Instead meander they do

My style is less than clasic.

what youth knows

When we were young we knew things

Things the old us can't know

Not pinned down by past failure

Not aware of cumulative experience

Our young selves had spaces to fill

The adventure of not understanding

Belief that we're the exception to the rule

An eagerness to foolishly defy advice

A chance to not realize you may fail

You can't re-manufacture a first

Exerience sets asside the failed path

Chooses to focus on doing what works

Age is a blindness of its own

Ignorant to youthful possibilites.

give or take

If I am to be if service

I give it to my community

I give it to those who love me

I don't offer myself for free

I'm not here for you to take from

When you offer nothing in return

A relationship is made of two

While a theif can take from one

Survival requires corporate participation 

But my self is worth more than money

Not here to preform a free show

Approval isn't the wealth I seek.

#GlorifyingObesity

Fat is just a word

But it's taken as offense

Thin is just a word

But it's taken as a compliment 

My size is somehow valued

Appearance a rank of worth

When I'm accused of being fat

I'm supposed to be hurt

But what if I view my body

On my own terms and conditions

What if I can see my body positively

And reject your derision 

I ask you to give up your judgement

I live as an example of fat liberation

I show you how I found love for myself

On my journey of size acceptance 

You may call this glorifying obesity

And I may call you fatphobic

Now those words sit between us

We've both built this roadblock

I'm glorifying self acceptance 

I'm setting these clear boundaries

My journey rejects your judgement

You can't take away my self esteem.

life's bubble

Simple little life

May seem so small

Even a tad uninteresting

But you can't see inside

Ideas swimming in an ocean

World's blooming in my head

Endless wonder generated by myself

Consuming words, videos, spoken stories

Second hand experience is enough

Creating new landscapes within

The acreage of my life is tiny

But my mind is never hungry

My bubble is enough

Made for me

By me.

together there is we

I'm not going to shame you

For fitting in or standing out

Being quiet or being loud

You should be you

I suggest that you

Take care of yourself first

Understand we are different

Love yourself before me

I willfully take care of myself

I see my worth independantly

But hope for a loving companion

So that together there is a we.

bus line adventures

The bus was my freedom

A day pass, a book, and snack money

I could ride the line and back

On my own private adventure

My peers wanted cars and parties

I wanted an empty seat for my backpack

An easy transfer between bus lines

A covered bench for rain or shine

Walking through massive parking lots

An urban forest of concrete and strip mall's 

Me and my paperback resting on a bench

A metropolis for my young self to explore.

weeble wobble

Moving through the world

Like a poorly choreographed dancer

Wobbling on my feet, on weak ankles

Life is a party like no other

Lovely tune with chattering guests

And yet I'm still stumbling. 

Not dated

My high school romance in two events

One drive, one dance, two boys

I wasn't just a late bloomer

I was completely oblivious

One took me to Christmas lights

A clasic date, in his beat up truck

But I wasn't the girl for this devout boy

Somehow too devious and too innocent

The other was set up by his sister

He sold me on a geek club

Opened a new world up to me

But we were far from in love

So I claim I never dated

And while this is technically true

I did go on two kinda dates

But no kisses, so they don't count.

old age

I find that age sits well on me

As I didn't have beauty to loose

My trophies wrinkles and grey hairs

I flaunt them, my badges of pride

Farther away from young yearning

Each new year another journey

My youth was enjoyed but not striking

Age lead me to greater and better

So I settle for peace not excitement

As age shows more on my skin 

My years are a welcome companion

They bring me comfort, warm wisdom.

function of pretty

Pretty things can have a purpose

But when the purpose is pretty

We can loose the value of the thing

Can ugly be ignored in favor of function?

Is value so shallow that pretty still wins?

Useful has value even when looks wain

Because pretty is a feature, not a function.

my wierd and wild

Maybe I'm not as lucky as you

To get the same as the majority

I find myself in the minority

A sore thumb near matching fingers

Possibly I'm not one that blends

Not delicate or dainty in perfection

Unmistakable as I boldly take up space

A rough heel under a sleek ankle

Perhaps I reject the chance for normalcy

You can hide your quirks and flaws

I'm going to flaunt my wierd and wild

Crooked teeth between grinning lips.

Unimpressive life

Can I be happy

With this unimpressive life

The promise of individuality 

Is bringing me strife

It hints that I am special

That I will leave a mark

And yet I blend into statistics

A dot grouped with the rest

Regardless of my missing fame

I continue to exist.

human value

If human worth is in dollars

Then the majority of us fail

Kings of cash are family born

Their lineage inherited wealth

A world's lifetime of weath

Held by a single person

A dragon hoarding its gold

Human greed as the winner

No bootstrap big enough

To turn a dollar into a billion.

un-tethered

Everyone else wants to be floating

As I'm desperately gripping the ground

I might fall up and fly away

They jump, to feel as they fall down

I know I seek control

I imagine they want freedom

For both, our desire evades us

They stare up, I stare down

Both un-tethered and hovering 

But aiming for different destinations.

fickle perception

If I tell it to myself

Then it has to be true

Why would I lie to me?

But the mind plays tricks

My perception is foolish

Molded into what I need

So perhaps my truth

Is only one version

A tinted window

That only I see.

constant discomfort

Hate to call it pain

Because pain is distinct 

Searing, sharp, or pulsing

This is discomfort 

An unease of my skin

Body tight and swollen

A constant uncertainty 

Of when it will release 

Instead I can predict

My lack of comfort

Living in this body.

A medical definition

What is a diagnosis?

A definition, a grouping of symptoms 

An explanation, a route to treatment

An acceptance, a recognized label

A win, if there is a cure

Is a diagnosis required?

You can have symptoms with no treatment 

You can have a treatment with no diagnosis

You can have a diagnosis with no cure

A loss, if the diagnosis isn't recognized

Does it matter to me?

I've had more than one diagnosis

I live with lifelong symptoms

A label can be a comfort

But my health is still a problem.

What is enough?

I'm good at somethings

Not talented the way I want

I'm not great at anything

But better than most

Some things are easy for me

Where I see others struggle 

I'm spoilt by what I have

Resentful of my limitations 

Will I always be dissatisfied?

Can I be grateful for gifts?

Or will I endlessly lament

What is just out of reach.

seperate and together

You do you

And I'll l do me

When you and I meet

Let's aim for we

If we see them

Let's make an us

But never forget

That they are them

That you are you

And I am me.

Dine on me

The open maw of people

Is protected from the raw me

I keep myself refrigerated

Saved for a private meal

Strangers don't get to participate

To eat my uncooked self

I don't serve them in my kitchen

I offer a publicly presented dish

Wearing a smile hurts less

Then putting my meat on display

They don't get to choose the cut

I offer a charcuterie.

shadow companion

Haunted on a lovely sunny day

Hearing rejection in a brief silence

Distrust in every bite of picnic

Doubting the gift of sweet success

Chewing away at my insides

Tinting my vision with uncertainty

Twisting the jolly of my company

Stealing the possibility of comfort

My guest is an unseen shadow

The cliche companion of anxiety

A false awareness of doom

My brain the source of this illness.

not your freak show

The fact that we have to be on display

That showing our vulnerable parts

Is the best path to acceptance

Means that privacy is a priveledge

The risk is that we entertain 

More than we educate

In our goal of finding empathy

Our lives become a curious show

Why do we have to teach compassion

When we start out in a deficit

We want to be treated as human

Not just characters of conversation.

let's be defiant

What if we were truely defiant

Going against all they want us to be

Not a sexy criminal or ralling rebel

But the true sins of personhood

Lets be lazy and needy and weak

Free with tears and emotions

Wailing againt the unfairness

Prideful in our self esteem

Slip through the holes of social norm

Reject the rules that make no sense 

Kind and firm instead of nice and easy

Simultaneously better and worse.

innate worth

Is the value of a human life

The profit we bring

What we produce 

How we participate 

Our level of recognition

Can we be judged worthless 

But reject that judgement

Recognize we deserve to exist

Resist through our prideful self love

And encourage others to rebel

Humans are social animals

We need to feel loved and give love

We all deserve to exist

because we were born

There is no quantifying a life.

Dying dream

A hope so long grasped

That my fingers are white

From cut off circulation

My stuborness won't let go

It feels like I have a destination

Like persistence will take me there

Could this be decades of self harm

A false hope leading me nowhere

What will I loose if I embrace the futility

If I accept the gamble as improbable 

Am I less the person I want to be

Without my rose colored lenses.

Creative Defiance

The line between craft and art

Is it drawn by external appreciation 

The gaze of another judging it worthy

More than the creativity of an individual

Is it defined by talent or experience 

A natural producing pure originality

A masters work of pure skill

Askew of derivative or copy

Or is the line so blurry and gray 

As culture sketches ambiguous lines

"You know it when you see it"

Said with presumptuous authority.

Not abled asshole

I'm not your hero

I'm not your friend

I'm the asshole with a disability

Why do I choose this villany

Because it's hard to infantilize

Someone you can't pity or admire

Assholes are universally disliked

Your disdain and disapproval

Mean I'm like any other jerk

It's my one path to humanity

An effective equalizer, is this,

My terrible behavior.

Personal earthquake

There is the us that others perceive 

And the lived experience of our life

We may know our feelings and desires

But our memory is warped in remebering

Our perception of self is often twisted

Trying to see ourselves through other eyes

Trembling feelings as lava at our core

But a still surface that can looks serene

We can't always predict the seismic events

That can shatter our world into rubble

We don't always know the cosmic events

That will punch a whole in our existence. 

Manic pixie dream

I'm not a step on your journey

Or an example of wild and free

Not a tool for you to learn from

Or a character in your story

Viewing me as a step on your path

Is just a way to procrastinate 

Your authentic journey is inside you

That path has nothing to do with me

If you ever figure out who you is

When you can give and take equally

Thats when we can consider us

Then come and talk to me.

Under the bus

I can't belive I couldn't see

That you are nothing like me

My mistake was trusting you

Believing in human decency

You made yourself so small

So petty and mean and shallow

I wanted to lift us both up

But instead you made us fall

You dismissed my truth

And twisted my words

And I didn't see it coming

Somehow you blindsided me

So now I'm hurt and angry

But who am I too blame

Me, you, the bus, or the driver

I'm run over all the same.

placeholder

He thought dizzy was joy

Dancing around in circles

And love meant freedom

As he spun to another partner

He said all the right words

Words that dazzled me

But the words were empty

I was alone next to him 

A warm body in his bed

A placeholder, easily replaceable 

As I tried to hold on to him

I watched him spin away.