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Monday, June 27, 2022

style of kindness

As you stand in the distance
Your sight is offended
You declare I am rude
You simply do not approve
You know a better way to be

But I've only embarrassed myself
Standing seperate from the crowd
Being awkward or wierd or cringy
Whether close or seperate from you
Those things are mine to be

Why does it matter so much
Others perceptions as they see
How am I hurting the world
What am I inficting on you
What does your derrise do for me

Maybe I should have an opinion of you
Judging other is a terrible accessory
You should wear more compassion 
If you want to truly be in style
Focus on you, instead of criticizing me.

Monday, June 20, 2022

No replacing lived experience

An exercise in school
They put me in a blindfold
An attempt to educate
It was like a backstage pass
I got to peek behind the curtain
A brief glimpse into another life 
But there was no length in my stay
Removing the blindfold returned my sight
Years later I dated a blind man
He was into judo, I had chronic fatigue
Both disabled but in such different ways
I had vision and he had energy
We told each other our stories 
We were close as partners can be
But I could only know what he told me
He couldn't know what my insides feel like
No words can replace lived experience.

Monday, June 13, 2022

hot consent

Don't pull my hair
And slap me with a silly grin
That's called assault, not flirting

No one is owed intimacy
Bodies aren't land to be conquered 
Touch without consent is an invasion

Boys are only boys
When no one calls them out
We all know the subtle cues of pain

Girls understand civil behavior
Why are men allowed explosive emotion
As women suppress their tears

Guys don't like these new rules
Maybe time for some castration laws
Maybe dicks can be public property, too.

Monday, June 6, 2022

The lie of doctor patience

Doctors are taught that patients lie
So, they don't believe what I tell them
Because I don't fit into what they believe
If my experience contradicts their knowledge
Then they deem my experience wrong
So, I bend the truth to fit into their narrative
Much like I hide my pain from the public
And I try not to overburden my loved ones
I tell the doctor what they want to hear
I minimize my story, focus on right now
No muddy mention of my past
No curiosity of my own condition
I hide my education and persistence
I let the doctor solve the mystery alone
So they can win at the puzzle of me.

Monday, May 30, 2022

Doctors make me cry

Anxious, I arrive at the appointment 
I want to believe it will be different
Maybe they won't dismiss me
Maybe they'll listen this time
Afterwards, I sit in the car and cry
Because they're so predictable 
Medical school teaches them we lie
Insurance decide how they can help
And I don't fit their medical model
I'm a complicated case
With too many ongoing symptoms
So I only go when it's bad
When my symptoms are acute
Because I need them to believe me
Because sick is my everyday
But my truth is never enough
It doesn't convince their authority 
I walk away dissatisfied 
Tears crashing down from my eyes.

Monday, May 23, 2022

I survived today

Some days life hurts
And today included pain
In a terrible wave it hit me
It was awful and it overwhelming 
I suffered with eyes closed
A moment felt like forever
I thought it might never end
But then the wave passed
And it still hurt, but less so
I was grateful for the smaller pain
And eager for the end of today
Because tommorow is a new day
Because some days life doesn't hurt.

Monday, May 16, 2022

not my potential

It's not our job to see potential in others
We are not tasked with improving them
If they didn't ask to be mentored
Or request our guidance in changing
It's not fair to mold them to our expectation
To try and change someone for our needs
The belief that manipulation can be good
That we are doing what's best for them
Thats stealing their chance to choose
Abusing throught lies and obfuscation 
They deserve to make their own mistakes
To be autonomous in their decision
To be a person that doesn't serve our needs
Growth and evolution is a personal journey
Only I can choose to change me
And they should get the same oportunity.


Monday, May 9, 2022

Speaking freely

I let my tongue wag loose
Free to say whatever it wants
I speak comfortably and confidently 
You can be impressed by my esteem
Or you can recognize my folly
Sometimes I make a fool of myself 
I mess up what I'm trying to say
I say things in a very wrong way
That us the cost of a free tongue
Actions have consequences 
And my tounge lives with regrets.

Monday, May 2, 2022

cruel animal

Humans are born with
Compassion and kindness
So how do we loose them
Where do they go
Is it a lack of nurture
Or the harsh lessons of life
Removing our nature of care
Turning us into jaded adults
We end up keeping pain alive
Passing on perceived harm
We nurture the worst part of us
We can be such cruel animals.

Monday, April 25, 2022

The body I have

I could envy a healthy body and sound mind
But I'd have to make up a story
A fiction of what it must be like
Because I've never had those things
I don't want to pine away for the imagined
What is the value in such fantasy
Snake oil salesmen may claim otherwise
But there's no path to an easy cure
This is the body I was born to and live in
I've spent a lifetime learning my limitations
I may be curious about another experience
To be in a body that does what is expected
But I refuse to live with envy
I refuse to imagine myself into hate.

Monday, April 18, 2022

unsolicited opinion

Your opinion is an uninvited guest
I didn't open the door for you to say anything
Don't sneak it in as a compliment
Or an underhanded attempt to share
Acting like you're all white picket fences
Next to my abandoned fixer upper
I'm not looking to get your buy in
My life isn't an open house
I'm not looking to buy your wares
My face is a no solicitors sign
So, stop being a nosy neighbor
We certainly don't live on the same street
Because I don't barge into random houses
I focus on my own life, I tend my own house
If I want an opinion, if I'm looking for advice,
Give me the chance to ask for it.

Monday, April 11, 2022

identity first

Policing my language
When I speak of my identity
Is simply unacceptable 
The culture may decree
Whatever it wants about words
But I decree what is true for me
You may think you know better
But I get to choose what I call myself
If you can dare to listen to my words
If you decide to respect my choice
I might believe your trying to understand
I might believe you care about I.

Monday, April 4, 2022

Curiosity Denied

Curiosity liked to stroll the streets
Eager to know their neighbors
One days Curosity noticed a new house
Privacy was out mowing its lawn
Privacy saw earnest Curiosity in the distance 
Privacy went inside and drew the curtains
Curiosity rushed to the unfamilar door
Curiosity turned the knob, but it was locked
Curiosity was used to strolling in, uninvited
But Curiosity was also a bit of a flake
And once interest warned, Curiosity left
Other neighbors coped in their own ways
Intimacy didn't find Curiosity reliable
Often annoyed by their inconsistancy
Curiosity didn't really respect Boundaries
Even when Boundaries built a gate
Curiosity just climbed right over it
So now Boundaries avoided Curiosity
But Privacy was new and interesting
Curiosity called out, pounding at the door
Privacy persistently didn't answer
Curiosity got louder, demanding to be let in
Night rolled in and finally Curiosity left
In the dark of night, Privacy stepped outside
Boundaries walked down the dim street
Boundaries stopped in eyesight of Privacy
Boundaries waited for Privacy to wave
A bit later, Intimacy walked down the street
Privacy looked for Boundaires blessing
Feeling reassured, Privacy waved at Intimacy
Standing outside, in companionable silence,
They felt bad about excluding Curiosity
But not bad enough to invite Curiosity over
So the three new friends went inside
And Privacy locked the door behind them.

Monday, March 28, 2022

Doctors are the villian in my story


As a kid, I coughed until I threw up my dinner
Screamed from painful ear infections
Spend school lunch in the nurses office
Wet my pants heading for the toilet

As a preteen, they sent me to a psychiatrist
To sort out my runny nose and cough
The psychiatrist told me to "do better"
To stop making my mom's life hard

As a teen, the truant officer came to the door
Mom told me to go to school achy
The school wouldn't take her notes anymore
Wait until the nurses office sent me home

As an adult, my boss told me to show up
Coworkers got mad when I came to work sick
Doctor wrote me a note with an end date
But I was still sick when I returned to work

I'm old now and Doctors blame my age
To few symptoms and they ignore me
To many symptoms and they dismiss me
If I wait too long to visit they shame me

What I've learned is that doctors make me cry
I don't expect to be healthy anytime soon
But I'm pretty good at surviving while ill 
Expert level at hiding my sick.

Monday, March 21, 2022

Closed to the public

You don't get to decide 
If my truth holds merit 
Your curiosity isn't owed
Just because I'm different 
You have no right to my story
My privacy is a closed door
You don't deserve an explanation
Just because I mentioned me
If you really think you're owed
Then your priveledge is showing 
The only thing you own is you
I'm not giving tours to me today.

Monday, March 14, 2022

Atoms in this galaxy

No more than ants to an elephant
Or a spec of sand to the sun
That us the only way I can see
Comparing ourself in this universe
Some propose a greater being
A greater intelligence to design
But then they have the hubris to think
It speaks to us all, it listens to us all
That it cares more for some than others
My thoughts lean toward existential dread
I dont think the galaxy speaks to me 
There is no one tuned in to my silent pleas
I can be grateful for my unique existence 
And agnostic to my place in this universe.

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

my priveledge

First world
White middle class
Well educated
This is not bragging 
This is my priveledge 
I didn't earn these
I am not superior
These are my benefits
My unfair source of power
I wish I could share them
But all I can do is be aware
That I have things others don't
Removing the barriers I can
And admitting my bias 
This isn't fair or right
It's just the world I live in.

Monday, March 7, 2022

Carrying these under eye bags

When allergies bruise my face
With deep set racoon eyes
Meds only help so much
Only time and sleep can fix
The curse my body lives with
These puffy, achy pains of existing
Doing too much or doing to little
There is no win, only compromise
I avoid what I can and live moderately
But yesterday the world beat me me up
And now my body's bullied into submission
These deep purple circles under my eyes
Tell me today I need to rest.

Monday, February 28, 2022

uninspired

A fine whine comes at the time
When inspiration is in decline
I use fire to fuel my brain
Fill the furnace with my pain
Wait for the watched pot to boil
Hold my breath until it uncoils 
Step away to let it simmer
Smoke'll let me know when it's dinner.

Monday, February 21, 2022

hurt feelings

It's true my feelings are my own
And only I can choose to feel hurt
But the shock is none the less
When reality defies expectation

A tone of cruel dismissal
Harsh words swaddled in sweetness
The unevenness stings sharply
I feel hurt by what you aimed at me

There is no opening to demand better
To ask reason from a mouth that bruises
At best I can choose to move on
You have no say in my feelings.

Monday, February 14, 2022

Corporate dissonance

Managers have to be the best
They have to climb a ladder
Compete to get to the top
Disability is a disadvantage
We are trying to survive
We innately don't fit in
Reasonable accommodation
Requires disability to expose need
To get assistance we have to ask
We have to explain our weakness
This corporate paradigm
The culture of management
Conflicts with the reality of disability
It's like expecting wolves
To see the sheep's point of view
And then stubbornly confused 
when the wolf sees the sheep
As a meal when it's time for dinner.

Monday, February 7, 2022

rare collectibles

Extroverts collect friends
They must have them all
Introverts search for rare
They want that perfect match
Is it better to care for the world
Or restrict to the right fit
Who can say what works right
Except for each one of us.


Monday, January 24, 2022

Maybe different isn't unique

I'm ordinary and special, as are we all
Not superior, as some think I claim
I stand out as much as I choose
Sometimes not hiding from view
My truth is defined by myself
It isn't up for debate or editorial
Long as I'm not causing intentional harm
I am worthy of my life in this world
Others may have limited perspective
Drawing a clear box around their existence 
I wish I could coax them out to see
But theirs isn't my choice to make
I believe minutia means there is more
The details make this world interesting
So I'm going to enjoy this life I get
My tiny bit of time in this universe.

Monday, January 17, 2022

everyday hurts

Wailing aches
Screaming pains
My body yells a story
It loudly complains 
Like a whining infant
My body doesn't care
The world infects me
Through the evil air
In the food I eat
Just sitting here
Can't escape malaise
Can't make me better
Existence isn't fair.

Monday, January 10, 2022

cringe

I may make you uncomfortable
With the way I wear myself
Daring to be awkward and rude
Speaking my oddly personal truth
Showing off my imperfect art
Refusing to hide my broken body
Maybe it's cringy to be me
I wish for you my self esteem.

Monday, January 3, 2022

deep or a above

Being the biggest root
Doesn't make you a leaf
A leaf soaks it up the sun
Living idly in the soft wind
Us roots are underground 
Deep in the dark dirt
A serf to the whole of the tree
We serve the same master
But we aren't in the same place
We can't always escape our position
But we can be aware of it.

Monday, December 27, 2021

suffer the introvert

Mingling is abhorrent
Torture of the introvert
A room full of strangers
Filling space with polite words
As if the air shouldn't be empty
Awkward introductions
Iike a poorly timed cold call
Leading to stilted exchanges
The funny ones perform
And the shy ones hover
And I just sit in my corner
Waiting for the gathering to end.

Monday, December 20, 2021

entitled

Entitled is a companion of priveledge
A mistaken belief that the world is fair
An accusation suggesting there is a right
But the world is a complex system
And there is no proven design
We're a cog in this invisible machine
Can't predict when a wrench is thrown in
Or unexpected deviation from the norm
The metaphoric world doesn't care
You may have support to stop your suffering 
But that bring us back to priveledge
Priveledge isn't the world being right or fair
This is the world tilted in your favor
Entitlement is the belief that tilt is owed.

Monday, December 6, 2021

value of a penny

Capitalism and colinization
Fancy words for money and power
We own, and merge, and buyout
Then promote the owners like it's a gift
Appropriate what we can't destroy
Destroy the parts that don't get along
Bland consumerism is the peak
Thinking our entitled selves are unique
A few live on the work of many
The many suffer the value of a penny.

Monday, November 29, 2021

risk

Tisk tisk
Taking a risk
Straddling fear
And making a mess
Daring exception
In a purposeful life
So easy to start
Shocked by the stop
Swearing never again
Trying not to look back
With a sinking heart
Here comes regret.

Monday, November 22, 2021

lady power

Soft womanly demeanor
Deferring to another
Setting an extra plate
Inviting to strangers
Strength in giving
An open door isn't weak
Holding it open is power.

Monday, November 15, 2021

anxious thoughts

Outside they tell me not to dread
Relax. Calm down. Don't fret.
But the competing voices in my head
Speak louder than they get
Like an uncomfortable party
With a dysfunction family
These are the thoughts I live with
And you can't explain them away
No words will stop my ruminating 
Dismissing me just pisses me off.

Monday, November 8, 2021

body ached

My body makes me pay
Too much fun or too little
Either way I get to suffer
It's hard to have good memories 
When they're all followed by bad days
Pain follows around my search for joy
As a rain cloud eager to soak me
So I have to be okay in wet clothes
I have to smile as I shiver 
Because there is no escaping my body
It's with me forever.

Monday, November 1, 2021

daily news

They tell salacious stories 
Entertainment from pain
We seek tales of outliers
Dull doesn't garner clicks

Thinking, "Not in my back yard"
Desensitized to the exception
Fueling a 24 hour news cycle 
Happy doesn't sell papers

Reality can't compete with fear
Horrible seems imminent 
We made this bed of terror
Good news just isn't exciting

The world is full of stories
We ignore logic and reason
We're jaded by what we hear
We listen, glued to our chair.

Monday, October 25, 2021

companionable silence

The silence is calming
The together is silent
We do our own things
Together but seperate 
As we sit side by side
Words aren't needed
No need to fill the void
Companionship fills it.

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

forgiving myself

I don't want to be mad
At your lies and deception
You lied to you and then to me
You bought your own fake story
You believed deception can be right
And I believed in the fake you
I bought you line and sinker
Wondered why I was drowning
Until I swam myself to shore
Now I see you treading water
Calling for me to come back in
You know I can't swim anymore
I'm sad that you can't change
Mad at myself for wanting to believe
I don't want to be angry anymore
I want to be dry and leave the shore
So, I leave the sea behind me
Forgiving the person I was
Not forgetting the person you are.

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

We won't silence me

Can you find comfort without opression 
Be free without smothering others
Leave space for a different viewpoint

Why is it your way or the highway
When we each have our own roof
Independent brain mushy with electric smarts

Is conversion the only option
Or can we live cohesive amongst individuals 
I won't proselytize if you dont evangelize 

Maybe I'm hoping for too much
That we can live each seperate and together
I'll keep trying to stop we from silencing me.

Sunday, October 10, 2021

Which Witch

The mistake was believing in magic
The cat knew this, the human was oblivious
Lady smelled of sandlewood oil
With hints of laundry soap and human skin
Even in the fragrant outdoor garden 
Cat could smell her human
On an alter with precious knick knacks
Lady focused her attention
The cat took pity on the powerless human
With a loving rub of feline scent
Cat let Lady sway the world a tiny bit
This wasn't rabbit or dog or bird power
It was the sneaky magic of a cat
The fiercly loyal love of a feral feline
Not that any human would notice
Brains get in the way of intuition
Magic is animal, a knowing without thinking
So Lady went on with her ritual
As Cat stalked a beam of sunlight
Lady thought of cat as her familiar
But only cat knew who held the power.

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

passive voice

You tell me not to say I'm sorry
You demand that I stand up for myself
Maybe I'm okay with the words I say
Maybe you should be patient anyway
What if I like being soft and inviting
What if I choose not to dominate
Your active voice rules the world
Giving notes on my life and my choices
Is it really rebelling to match your tone
Or perhaps defiant to choose my own
My words encourages others to speak
Just because you try to put me in my place
Doesn't mean I'm the one that's weak.

Monday, October 4, 2021

faulty form

This is body, this is my skin,
These are the walls I live in
Not a rich house, nor a pretty one,
At least you'd think I'd get function
Dreary walls with faulty foundation
Stands up to the weather, barely
I put pictures up to decorate
But still find I can't escape
This is my home and my prison.

Wednesday, September 29, 2021

genders gauche gift

A picturesque pose for a painter
An abject object thought owned
A gender gentile and grateful
A sex sinful with sentiment
A mask mimiking remorse
A tribute trite and untrue
A lot lost to the lessor
A rebel reticent to remain.

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

wilted words

Why is it the art I like 
Not the art I write
I read away each day
And find the words I splay
Aren't flattering imitation
Or flat out derivative
I wish my words hit true
Instead meander they do
My style is less than clasic.

Friday, September 10, 2021

what youth knows

When we were young we knew things
Things the old us can't know
Not pinned down by past failure
Not aware of cumulative experience
Our young selves had spaces to fill
The adventure of not understanding
Belief that we're the exception to the rule
An eagerness to foolishly defy advice
A chance to not realize you may fail
You can't re-manufacture a first
Exerience sets asside the failed path
Chooses to focus on doing what works
Age is a blindness of its own
Ignorant to youthful possibilites.

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

give or take

If I am to be if service
I give it to my community
I give it to those who love me
I don't offer myself for free

I'm not here for you to take from
When you offer nothing in return
A relationship is made of two
While a theif can take from one

Survival requires corporate participation 
But my self is worth more than money
Not here to preform a free show
Approval isn't the wealth I seek.

Sunday, September 5, 2021

#GlorifyingObesity

Fat is just a word
But it's taken as offense
Thin is just a word
But it's taken as a compliment 

My size is somehow valued
Appearance a rank of worth
When I'm accused of being fat
I'm supposed to be hurt

But what if I view my body
On my own terms and conditions
What if I can see my body positively
And reject your derision 

I ask you to give up your judgement
I live as an example of fat liberation
I show you how I found love for myself
On my journey of size acceptance 

You may call this glorifying obesity
And I may call you fatphobic
Now those words sit between us
We've both built this roadblock

I'm glorifying self acceptance 
I'm setting these clear boundaries
My journey rejects your judgement
You can't take away my self esteem.

Saturday, September 4, 2021

life's bubble

Simple little life
May seem so small
Even a tad uninteresting
But you can't see inside
Ideas swimming in an ocean
World's blooming in my head
Endless wonder generated by myself
Consuming words, videos, spoken stories
Second hand experience is enough
Creating new landscapes within
The acreage of my life is tiny
But my mind is never hungry
My bubble is enough
Made for me
By me.

Thursday, September 2, 2021

together there is we

I'm not going to shame you
For fitting in or standing out
Being quiet or being loud
You should be you

I suggest that you
Take care of yourself first
Understand we are different
Love yourself before me

I willfully take care of myself
I see my worth independantly
But hope for a loving companion
So that together there is a we.

Monday, August 30, 2021

bus line adventures

The bus was my freedom
A day pass, a book, and snack money
I could ride the line and back
On my own private adventure

My peers wanted cars and parties
I wanted an empty seat for my backpack
An easy transfer between bus lines
A covered bench for rain or shine

Walking through massive parking lots
An urban forest of concrete and strip mall's 
Me and my paperback resting on a bench
A metropolis for my young self to explore.

Sunday, August 29, 2021

weeble wobble

Moving through the world
Like a poorly choreographed dancer
Wobbling on my feet, on weak ankles
Life is a party like no other
Lovely tune with chattering guests
And yet I'm still stumbling. 

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Not dated

My high school romance in two events
One drive, one dance, two boys
I wasn't just a late bloomer
I was completely oblivious

One took me to Christmas lights
A clasic date, in his beat up truck
But I wasn't the girl for this devout boy
Somehow too devious and too innocent

The other was set up by his sister
He sold me on a geek club
Opened a new world up to me
But we were far from in love

So I claim I never dated
And while this is technically true
I did go on two kinda dates
But no kisses, so they don't count.