Wednesday, September 15, 2021

wilted words

Why is it the art I like 
Not the art I write
I read away each day
And find the words I splay
Aren't flattering imitation
Or flat out derivative
But something or other
I wish my words hit true
Instead meander they do
My style is less than clasic.

Friday, September 10, 2021

what youth knows

When we were young we knew things
Things the old us can't know
Not pinned down by past failure
Not aware of cumulative experience
Our young selves had spaces to fill
The adventure of not understanding
Belief that we're the exception to the rule
An eagerness to foolishly defy advice
A chance to not realize you may fail
You can't re-manufacture a first
Exerience sets asside the failed path
Chooses to focus on doing what works
Age is a blindness of its own
Ignorant to youthful possibilites.

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

give or take

If I am to be if service
I give it to my community
I give it to those who love me
I don't offer myself for free

I'm not here for you to take from
When you offer nothing in return
A relationship is made of two
While a theif can take from one

Survival requires corporate participation 
But my self is worth more than money
Not here to preform a free show
Approval isn't the wealth I seek.

Sunday, September 5, 2021

#GlorifyingObesity

Fat is just a word
But it's taken as offense
Thin is just a word
But it's taken as a compliment 

My size is somehow valued
Appearance a rank of worth
When I'm accused of being fat
I'm supposed to be hurt

But what if I view my body
On my own terms and conditions
What if I can see my body positively
And reject your derision 

I ask you to give up your judgement
I live as an example of fat liberation
I show you how I found love for myself
On my journey of size acceptance 

You may call this glorifying obesity
And I may call you fatphobic
Now those words sit between us
We've both built this roadblock

I'm glorifying self acceptance 
I'm setting these clear boundaries
My journey rejects your judgement
You can't take away my self esteem.

Saturday, September 4, 2021

life's bubble

Simple little life
May seem so small
Even a tad uninteresting
But you can't see inside
Ideas swimming in an ocean
World's blooming in my head
Endless wonder generated by myself
Consuming words, videos, spoken stories
Second hand experience is enough
Creating new landscapes within
The acreage of my life is tiny
But my mind is never hungry
My bubble is enough
Made for me
By me.

Thursday, September 2, 2021

together there is we

I'm not going to shame you
For fitting in or standing out
Being quiet or being loud
You should be you

I suggest that you
Take care of yourself first
Understand we are different
Love yourself before me

I willfully take care of myself
I see my worth independantly
But hope for a loving companion
So that together there is a we.

Monday, August 30, 2021

bus line adventures

The bus was my freedom
A day pass, a book, and snack money
I could ride the line and back
On my own private adventure

My peers wanted cars and parties
I wanted an empty seat for my backpack
An easy transfer between bus lines
A covered bench for rain or shine

Walking through massive parking lots
An urban forest of concrete and strip mall's 
Me and my paperback resting on a bench
A metropolis for my young self to explore.

Sunday, August 29, 2021

weeble wobble

Moving through the world
Like a poorly choreographed dancer
Wobbling on my feet, on weak ankles
Lovely tune with chattering guests
This life a party like no other
And yet I'm still stumbling. 

Thursday, August 26, 2021

Not dated

My high school romance in two events
One drive, one dance, two boys
I wasn't just a late bloomer
I was completely oblivious

One took me to Christmas lights
A clasic date, in his beat up truck
But I wasn't the girl for this devout boy
Somehow too devious and too innocent

The other was set up by his sister
He sold me on a geek club
Opened a new world up to me
But we were far from in love

So I claim I never dated
And while this is technically true
I did go on two kinda dates
But no kisses, so they don't count.

Monday, August 23, 2021

old age

I find that age sits well on me
As I didn't have beauty to loose
My trophies wrinkles and grey hairs
I flaunt them, my badges of pride

Farther away from young yearning
Each new year another journey
My youth was enjoyed but not striking
Age lead me to greater and better

So I settle for peace not excitement
As age shows more on my skin 
My years are a welcome companion
They bring me comfort, warm wisdom.

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

function of pretty

Pretty things can have a purpose
But when the purpose is pretty
We can loose the value of the thing
Can ugly be ignored in favor of function?
Is value so shallow that pretty still wins?
Useful has value even when looks wain
Because pretty is a feature, not a function.

Monday, August 16, 2021

my wierd and wild

Maybe I'm not as lucky as you
To get the same as the majority
I find myself in the minority
A sore thumb near matching fingers

Possibly I'm not one that blends
Not delicate or dainty in perfection
Unmistakable as I boldly take up space
A rough heel under a sleek ankle

Perhaps I reject the chance for normalcy
You can hide your quirks and flaws
I'm going to flaunt my wierd and wild
Crooked teeth between grinning lips.

Sunday, August 8, 2021

Unimpressive life

Can I be happy
With this unimpressive life
The promise of individuality 
Is bringing me strife
It hints that I am special
That I will leave a mark
And yet I blend into statistics
A dot grouped with the rest
Regardless of my missing fame
I continue to exist.

Saturday, August 7, 2021

human value

If human worth is in dollars
Then the majority of us fail
Kings of cash are family born
Their lineage inherited wealth
50k lifetimes of weath
Held by a single person
A dragon hoarding its gold
Human greed as the winner
No bootstrap big enough
To turn a dollar into a billion.

Tuesday, August 3, 2021

un-tethered

Everyone else wants to be floating
As I'm desperately gripping the ground
I might fall up and fly away
They jump, to feel as they fall down
I know I seek control
I imagine they want freedom
For both, our desire evades us
They stare up, I stare down
Both un-tethered and hovering 
But aiming for different destinations.

Monday, August 2, 2021

fickle perception

If I tell it to myself
Then it has to be true
Why would I lie to me?
But the mind plays tricks
My perception is foolish
Molded into what I need
So perhaps my truth
Is only one version
A tinted window
That only I see.

Saturday, July 31, 2021

constant discomfort

Hate to call it pain
Because pain is distinct 
Searing, sharp, or pulsing
This is discomfort 
An unease of my skin
Body tight and swollen
A constant uncertainty 
Of when it will release 
Instead I can predict
My lack of comfort
Living in this body.

Wednesday, July 28, 2021

A medical definition

What is a diagnosis?
A definition, a grouping of symptoms 
An explanation, a route to treatment
An acceptance, a recognized label
A win, if there is a cure

Is a diagnosis required?
You can have symptoms with no treatment 
You can have a treatment with no diagnosis
You can have a diagnosis with no cure
A loss, if the diagnosis isn't recognized

Does it matter to me?
I've had more than one diagnosis
I live with lifelong symptoms
A label can be a comfort
But my health is still a problem.

Sunday, July 25, 2021

What is enough?

I'm good at somethings
Not talented the way I want
I'm not great at anything
But better than most
Some things are easy for me
Where I see others struggle 
I'm spoilt by what I have
Resentful of my limitations 
Will I always be dissatisfied?
Can I be grateful for gifts?
Or will I endlessly lament
What is just out of reach.

Saturday, July 24, 2021

seperate and together

You do you
And I'll l do me
When you and I meet
Let's aim for we
If we see them
Let's make an us
But never forget
That they are them
That you are you
And I am me.

Friday, July 23, 2021

Dine on me

The open maw of people
Is protected from the raw me
I keep myself refrigerated
Saved for a private meal

Strangers don't get to participate
To eat my uncooked self
I don't serve them in my kitchen
I offer a publicly presented dish

Wearing a smile hurts less
Then putting my meat on display
They don't get to choose the cut
I offer a charcuterie.

Thursday, July 22, 2021

shadow companion

Haunted on a lovely sunny day
Hearing rejection in a brief silence
Distrust in every bite of picnic
Doubting the gift of sweet success

Chewing away at my insides
Tinting my vision with uncertainty
Twisting the jolly of my company
Stealing the possibility of comfort

My guest is an unseen shadow
The cliche companion of anxiety
A false awareness of doom
My brain the source of this illness.

Wednesday, July 21, 2021

not your freak show

The fact that we have to be on display
That showing our vulnerable parts
Is the best path to acceptance
Means that privacy is a priveledge

The risk is that we entertain 
More than we educate
In our goal of finding empathy
Our lives become a curious show

Why do we have to teach compassion
When we start out in a deficit
We want to be treated as human
Not just characters of conversation.

Monday, July 19, 2021

let's be defiant

What if we were truely defiant
Going against all they want us to be
Not a sexy criminal or ralling rebel
But the true sins of personhood

Lets be lazy and needy and weak
Free with tears and emotions
Wailing againt the unfairness
Prideful in our self esteem

Slip through the holes of social norm
Reject the rules that make no sense 
Kind and firm instead of nice and easy
Simultaneously better and worse.

Saturday, July 17, 2021

innate worth

Is the value of a human life
The profit we bring
What we produce 
How we participate 
Our level of recognition

Can we be judged worthless 
But reject that judgement
Recognize we deserve to exist
Resist through our prideful self love
And encourage others to rebel

Humans are social animals
We need to feel loved and give love
We all deserve to exist
because we were born
There is no quantifying a life.

Thursday, July 15, 2021

Dying dream

A hope so long grasped
That my fingers are white
From cut off circulation
My stuborness won't let go

It feels like I have a destination
Like persistence will take me there
Could this be decades of self harm
A false hope leading me nowhere

What will I loose if I embrace the futility
If I accept the gamble as improbable 
Am I less the person I want to be
Without my rose colored lenses.

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

Creative Defiance

The line between craft and art
Is it drawn by external appreciation 
The gaze of another judging it worthy
More than the creativity of an individual

Is it defined by talent or experience 
A natural producing pure originality
A masters work of pure skill
Askew of derivative or copy

Or is the line so blurry and gray 
As culture sketches ambiguous lines
"You know it when you see it"
Said with presumptuous authority.

Not abled asshole

I'm not your hero
I'm not your friend
I'm the asshole with a disability
Why do I choose this villany
Because it's hard to infantilize
Someone you can't pity or admire
Assholes are universally disliked
Your disdain and disapproval
Mean I'm like any other jerk
It's my one path to humanity
An effective equalizer, is this,
My terrible behavior.

Monday, July 12, 2021

Personal earthquake

There is the us that others perceive 
And the lived experience of our life
We may know our feelings and desires
But our memory is warped in remebering
Our perception of self is often twisted
Trying to see ourselves through other eyes
Trembling feelings as lava at our core
But a still surface that can looks serene
We can't always predict the seismic events
That can shatter our world into rubble
We don't always know the cosmic events
That will punch a whole in our existence. 

Sunday, May 30, 2021

Manic pixie dream

I'm not a step on your journey
Or an example of wild and free
Not a tool for you to learn from
Or a character in your story

Viewing me as a step on your path
Is just a way to procrastinate 
Your authentic journey is inside you
That path has nothing to do with me

If you ever figure out who you is
When you can give and take equally
Thats when we can consider us
Then come and talk to me.

Thursday, May 20, 2021

Under the bus


I can't belive I couldn't see
That you are nothing like me
My mistake was trusting you
Believing in human decency

You made yourself so small
So petty and mean and shallow
I wanted to lift us both up
But instead you made us fall

You dismissed my truth
And twisted my words
And I didn't see it coming
Somehow you blindsided me

So now I'm hurt and angry
But who am I too blame
Me, you, the bus, or the driver
I'm run over all the same.

Tuesday, May 18, 2021

placeholder

He thought dizzy was joy
Dancing around in circles
And love meant freedom
As he spun to another partner
He said all the right words
Words that dazzled me
But the words were empty
I was alone next to him 
A warm body in his bed
A placeholder, easily replaceable 
As I tried to hold on to him
I watched him spin away.

Monday, May 17, 2021

I love me so I can love you

Everything for anyone always
Is a perfection I don't try for
Self sacrifice and unending kindness
Are not my first goal
Self involvement can lead to self care
Boundaries can make better buddies
Because I'm only giving what I can
I stead of draining myself dry.

Sometimes love is kind


Nice is a performance
It exepects owed recopense
A positive return on investment

Kind is an attitude
Its persistently of service
Because the return is within

Love is complicated
It is an individual feeling
That is sometimes shared

I don't want a performance
I will reward a good attitude
I can't promise love.

Saturday, May 15, 2021

wierd, wonderful, diverse

The bee and the wasp are not the same
They are insects that can sting
Presenting colors of yellow and black
Flying from their homemade nests

But only one produces lovely honey
While the other is viewed as a pest
And while one wasp can kill a bee
Many bees can defeat one wasp

This is the world we live in
Similar and different
A life of conflict and beauty
Wierd, wonderful, and diverse.

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

Only in reality

I wouldn't survive a narrative
Of horror or action or fantasy
In a story of past plague times
In a horrifying dystopian future
In the inevitable apocalypse 
My body would be the first to fall
At best I'm the supporting character
The one you knew wouldn't make it
I'm not the character that lives
But today isn't fiction and this life means
My broken body has modern medicine
My flawed mind is of current value
My imperfect self thrives in this reality.

Anti-racist

Academic texts don't speak
They can't express lived experience
So I beg you, hold my hand a little
Lead me towards the truth
Your anger is valid
But it also stands between us
I know my ignorance isn't fair
And I know you are tired
But if you can give me your patience
I am open and eager to hear
I'm will de-center and shut up
Because I want to learn and be better
My white ego may be fragile
But I'm ready to let it shatter
I accept that I am part of the problen
I'm trying to be an ally.

Monday, April 19, 2021

no excuse for being me

Not pretty enough 
to be an unapologetic bitch
Not brilliant enough
To survive through sarcasm
Not eager enough
To eat shit all day
And not fawning enough
To fall down at their feet
Just proudly stumbling through life
Without an acceptable excuse.

Saturday, March 27, 2021

ad hominem attack

I often misspell
And my grammar sucks
My brain looses words
And my mouth mispronounces
My details are an easy target
If you are looking to attack
Search no further than the surface
I can't compete academically 
Because I don't want to win debate
I seek to understand deeply
I try to have an informed opinion
I'm willing to learn when I'm wrong
I understand I don't know everything
But I'm more studied than most
So I feel confident in my thought
Even if my presentation is flawed.

Sunday, March 21, 2021

oblivious to school

In Elementary three girls teased me
Asking why I wore pants in the summer 
And dresses in the winter
I shugged in answer to their mockery

In Junior High a girl tried to intimidate me
She got aggressively in my face
I walked away and simply avoided her
More confused than scared or angry

Between a complicated home life
Truant officers and sickly absenteeism
And special needs classrooms
School hierarky never made an impression

I didn't envy those who fit in
because I didn't notice their power
I was an oblivious weirdo loner
With my own drama seperate from them.

Sunday, February 28, 2021

not us or them

I'm okay with me or you
But not okay with us or them
I can choose who is in my life
Decide that a person is not good for me
But when a group decides to ostracize
They are making me choose 
Between my independence and community
They are trying to control me and you
And the answer to that is easy
I'd rather be lonely as one
than be a part of the mean many.


Thursday, February 18, 2021

Stubborn self-esteem

Is this confidence or stubbornness
Self-esteem or refusing to hear criticism
It's true I dig in my heels
I don't care to make strangers happy
I expect to be loved as I am
So, if the result is that I am me
The most uncompromising me I can be
Does it matter how I got there?

Saturday, February 6, 2021

Voices in the electric void

A million strangers can hear my voice
As I speak into the electric void
Monologing to an unseen audience 
Confiding secrets to the world

I sing a song of myself
Speaking my cringy truth
Leading through honest example
Hoping that variety becomes familiar

Exposing my authentic self
Without an agenda for return
Is somehow less lonesome
Then silently living a false identity.

Sunday, January 31, 2021

let's skip romance

Finding sex is easy
Fleeting romance is easy
But the boring parts are hard to find
I want to skip the chase and mystery
Head straight for comforting commitment
Where my best friend loves my flaws
I won't provide one sided worship
and I can't conform to convention
I'm looking for someone like me
A confident snowflake of similar design.

Saturday, January 30, 2021

men don't get it

It's impossible to change another
Arguing they should alter their beliefs
Only makes them dig their heels in
Suggesting they harm unintentionally
Makes them argue their innocence
And the worst offenders are men

Men are taught to win at all costs
To fight any chance they get
They are taught power is a priority
Never compromise and avoid compassion
Because those are womanly traits
And women are the opposite of men

So, a feminist trying to speak to a man
Is fighting both nature and nurture
Nature that makes humans resist change
Nurture that taught men to never loose
I don't hold hope for my generation of men
Maybe we can teach the next batch

I don't want men to be my enemy
But I also don't think we owe them sex
All boys are accountable for their behavior
Rape is inexcusable, consent is required
Cheating and lying are intentional
Gender isn't an excuse for wrong behavior.

Monday, January 25, 2021

#chronicillnesswarior

Often my existence feels like a war
With myself and the world
Seeing the disbelief when I share
Because I don't look unwell
Being told to "win" at health
like I'm in control of my body
Arguing for assistance or help
From systems that believe I'm lying
Being told it's in my head
like I can think away the sick
I'm so tired of being in battle
I get to choose when I fight
Whatever is broken in me
Be it my body or my mind
Today I choose radical acceptance 
It's time for some boring peace.

Sunday, January 24, 2021

#womensupportingwomen

To all the beautiful women
All the smart and successful ladies
All the fit and fabulous females
I want those things for you
sometimes, I may feel lessor
when I commit the sin of comparison
But I will never try to tear you down
I will lift you up any chance I get
We all deserve to feel proud and powerful
And I wish those feelings things for you
with the same fierce ferocity
That I aim for them myself.

Monday, January 18, 2021

all the years

all the years
compounded by all those tears
made real by persistent memories
and lessons hard learned
lead to now

it's easier to doubt
when the world is so harsh
and the people inconsistent
their rational mislead
than to hold onto youthful optimism

I thought this was growth
the growing up part
we're told it's a good thing
that it leads to wisdom
and self-assurance

but sometimes it feels like a cancer
a malignant mass of memories
an awareness that the world isn't pure
and even the good things
are tainted by good meaning

it's the one's that think best
that know without doubt
and know their right
no matter what
those zealots, they truly scare me

so, what has age given me?
but an awareness that faith
is so frail, so delicate
that it often disintegrates
in the face of reality

The hopefulness of youth
is being beat down
by the doubt of age
because truth is a harsh mistress. 

Friday, January 15, 2021

Clique

Do you know what I hate
that feeling that creeps up inside me
the knowledge that I can't read your mind
It's built on a foundation of insecurity
and the thoughts I've let stray

I have to count on you loving me
even if you never say
after years of words passed 
between our lips on the air
I see it stalking me in the distance
that ugliness called fear

There isn't one heart here
there's ten, maybe twenty
a heard of things unspoken
and the decisions you've made about me
without even consulting me

It's paranoia.  After all these years
to think my forest might leave me
the insanity that stalks me
to believe your actions might change
when you walk around me, consistently.

If I were pleading to one person
one mind or one soul, perhaps they're be hope
instead I plea to the lot of you
the group of you, the family I've made
Don't leave me. 

Thursday, January 14, 2021

a plan calms me

I was raised by mental illness
By generations of childhood trauma
Where calm is the eye of a storm
There was little consistency
A new adventure everyday
But we were just surviving
Now I rebel against that chaos
I'm calmed by rules spoken
Soothed by expectations made clear
I'm comforted by knowing my plan.

Tuesday, January 12, 2021

a day

Parking lot paved with crushed pebble feet
Hot sun sinks in a black pavement
roll them rubber soles 
hood for another day
I can't see my hands for the brightness

Brush against her hand, wonder if it's mine
give me a smile, a thought
I know where we're going
broken toes and aching arches
stabbed on a curb by my best friend
so, she sighs in exhaustion

Holed up in a room, tired from the day
smiles on my face and a memory. 

Saturday, November 14, 2020

wishing I was a comet

"Who am I?"
We all ask this
At one time or another
Sometimes this answer comes swiftly
Easily based on my sense of self
"Who am I to them?"
That's a tough question
I swirl around the question
Like a planet in orbit
Hoping I can become a comet
Break free from painful confusion
It's the taciturn "them" that won’t say
Even if I ask directly
So, I live comfortable in myself
But uncomfortable in the world. 

Saturday, November 7, 2020

embracing the label

To not be seen a looser
I have to choose to be a winner
But who am I trying to impress
Who gets to decide the rules
What if I'm an independent thinker
What if I decide not to compete
Instead, can I live the label
Can I defy the game they're playing
Accepting some might call me a looser
Because I'm happy being my weird self.




Monday, October 26, 2020

happy to say i walked away

Words like "angry", "resentful", "righteous"
Group think makes them infectious
One bad apple spoils the bunch
One mean girl sets the tone
When ladies gang up, I don't take part
If a friend is cruel, I rethink that friend
I may not fight for what's right
But I don't put up with what's wrong
My silence and absence is active
Being right can be lonely
But I won't let ugly infect me
the on thing I can say is
I'm brave enough to walk away.

Monday, October 19, 2020

three boys

I lost my innocence to three boys
One who kissed my best friend
One who dared me in the dark
And one who presumed marraige

The first boy was my first crush
He kissed her because I dared him
I wanted him to dare me back
But their kiss became the story

The second boy liked me first
He dared me to grope him
Mother interrupted our daring
He lost interest soon after

The third boy was actually my first
First kiss, first love, first fuck
After my deflowering he declared marriage
But I had a world of fucks ahead of me

I'm not sure I had innocence
That I lost or they stole
Three boys took what I offered
I eagerly sought what they gave.

Saturday, October 17, 2020

feelings together

Trapped a feeling
Put it into words
Shared it online
So your feelings
Would have company.

letting myself cry

Tears washed out the chemicals in my brain
Poured out the feeling making me insane
Couldn't stop the world from spinning
But lifted the weight pinning me down
Tommorow the world gets heavy, again
But tonight I sleep a little lighter.

Wednesday, October 7, 2020

hold my hand in the aftermath

I can be my own prince
Drag my own ass out of the fire
Make my own money
Buy my own toys
But its lonely on my own
I wish I had a partner to hold my hand
To listen after I've taken care of business
Who wants my strong and mighty self
Even when I'm not pretty or girly
I want to loved, not saved.

Friday, September 11, 2020

fat hurts less

How do I explain
Why I live in this body 
Why I don't starve
Maybe rejection stings
Maybe ugly isn't awesome
But I can't escape allergic
When my skin aches
With general discomfort
Everything is swollen
And exercise hurts
Food is medicine
Food feels good
Drugs dull the mind
I want to live awake
Weight is the lessor evil
Fat hurts less.



Monday, August 24, 2020

all my jiggle

Double chin
Whitchy wart
Jelly belly
Cheese thighs
Soft squishy
Warm cuddly
Massive me
Taking space.