Elizebeth Turnquist

There is no shame
To my lack of social game
Extroverts play loose
Introverts keep it tight
We explore our mind
The many worlds inside
There is never enough thought
To keep our attention caught
When we have something to say
We'll make it worth your whole If you can be patient with our quiet Maybe we'll visit your loud.

"Words matter," I'm told And my head thrums Trapped by a partial truth Lack of minutia in a common saying It's true definition matters Using the right words Can make a difference But only we all agree On what those words mean Only when we all have The same context Words get confused By colloquial usage And multiple meanings You can use all the right words And completely confuse You can use the wrong tone And complicate the meaning You can do everything right And still not be heard The truth is mutual understanding Is way more important Than the words we use.

Most fun things are not fun for me
I don't dance or smoke or drink Masturbation gives me a hangoverPretty much all aerobic activity does Going outside gives me a hangover Grass, trees, and flowers are not my friend Gluten and milk give me a hangover As does yeast and aged food Perfume doesn't wait for the next day
Neither does bleach or ammonia Cleaning my house raises dust Living in squalor grows bacteria My health is a tightrope of avoidance Treatment over the counter medicine Living within the boundaries of my body Finding my own special way to enjoy life In a world I'm allergic to.

I don't want to be your inspiration you can’t reduce my experience To heroic or pathetic I am no cardboard cutout I am layers of complicated Like any human on this planet
"At least you have your health." A basic precept we hear But what if I don’t What if my mind and body Don’t follow the norm
My symptoms are inconsistent  I live in a body I can’t count on My discomfort isn’t always pain Pain implies a specific thing to fix Post-exertion malaise and general anxiety Fancy words for I’m tired and upset
I understand it’s hard to understand
What a lack of health is like Because a healthy mind compares What it knows to what it sees And a healthy body has limits But health often returns
Rejoice in your health, if you have it priveledge isn't shameful on it's own It's when you add stubborn blinders When you aren't willing to admit Your perspective is always limited And difference is hard for us all.

we are us, as in more than one but you is you, and I is I we are not I, and you is not I don't confuse you with me as I know me better And you know you better and we only know the little that you or I decide to share between us.

An unexpected visitor, microscopic in size,  The world feels my reality
This oddly shameful secret  that my family shares is suddenly not so abnormal
We are all trapped at home Not sure what is next A good day or a bad one
Randomly betrayed by our bodies, trapped by our circumstance,  Familiar to chronic illness
The worlds knowledge won't last Their fear will be forgotten There will be an after coronavirus
But today the world shares my fear Today we are all insecure Uncertain of our health tommorow.

Am I a cog in the machine?
I was raised to believe in special
That we all want to stand out
The each of us has value
But in a unique way
And yet I am finding comfort
In my simple everyday
I am not shiney or special
My life is dwindling away
As a tiny component of the whole
My perspective may be different
But my actions are mundane
A supporting member of the chorus
Nothing to be seen here
I've faded into grey
My life isn't over
But it is unexpected
That I blend in.

You can't propagate compassion
By defining an enemy
The problem with us vs them
Is the barrier it errects
Sometimes you have to see
Through the eyes of priveledge
To understand how to advocate
For the rights of disenfranchised
Admitting that they are losing something
To equalize the playing field
Can be a part of the strategy
To bring them on board
To make us all into us.

Choosing not to ingest unplesantness
Means bad behavior doesn't earn my ire
There is no gain in me inflicting pain
That only teaches others to inflictIt's not mine to inform your life
I can leave, you have to live in you
Shrugging off your look of disdain
My smile comes with me as I turn awayThe world is full of choices
And unhappy is certainly an option
But the small rewards in a random smile
Are so much more my style

Sometimes persistent
Often patient
Compulsively creative
But not really goodMy audience is me
I do cause it feels good
The act of art comforts
The journey is my goalYeah, I'm productive
Prolific even
But I don't practice
I don't improveNot trying for better
Don't care to compete
Not studying masters
Or seeking the massesI share my art
Like a child showing off
Look at my ugly creation
See the joy it brought meIf you find value
I feel good to share
If you feel distain
I'm not sure I care.

I'm trying to remember my compassion
As I see your priveledge torn from you
You're knocked down a few pegs
Made equal with those you lorded over
Like a spoiled child used to having it all
Suddenly you are forced to share
And that can feel so unfair
But your feeling is a reaction
To sudden equilibrium
The adjustment to a new normal
May feel uncomfortable
But it is deserved
And you will adjust, in time
What we take from you wasn't yours
It is proper and fair for you to share
So I feel empathy for your angst
But I feel ritcheous in the outcome.

What's said behind my back
Isn't my business
I don't choose to carry anger
Or bitterness in my heart
I can't stop what you think
Anymore than I can guess it
And it isn't my business to know
Unless you are willing to speak upIts my choice to listen
When criticism is brought to me
But I also choose to decide
If I find truth in those words
When what you say isn't my truth
I chose to stay true to myself
Regardless of what you thinkSelf regard may not win me popularity
But it makes being alone more bearable.

Two faced liar
Peddling half truth
Making passing assurances
Just to shut me upThe lies you tell to others
Disprove the lies you tell me
I see the truth in your actions
Patterns of behavior betray youI don't understand
The point of your position
How is it you don't learn
Each new time you get caughtMessy webs you weave
Get tangled by your actions
You try to worm your way out
Slither past the mess you've madeSomehow you aren't fazed
As you go on to lie another day.

The lie of forever
Speaks to our lazy soul
Remembering pain of romance
The inevitable end of love
This dank truth we avoid
We focus on a bright illusion
An unfounded certainty
That love will beat the odds
We court cognitive dissonance
Let dopamine rule us
So reality will not intrude
And I cannot fault this act
As the idea of forever comforts
When the reality of now hurts.

What a person wears
How a person looks
Why a person chooses
Is not an invitationObjectification is a thought
It isnt the act taken
The unreality if an object
Does not circumvent consentDecent human beings
Know that no person is less
Gender doesn't gave hierarchy
No one has the right to harm.

If there only were an invisible bubble
That could save me from reactions
That wasn't stuffy and confining
Soft climate control and a low fan
To kept the natural part of nature
Away from my bodies unnatural responseI love the feel of grass under my feet
And the sight of trees above me
And the smell of damp earth
I just don't like the sneezing and sniffles
The next day boogers and phlegmI resent the swirling air of dust
That irritates on a windy day
Repulsed by the fragrant fermentation
Of earth composting after rain
Surviving the sweet floral smell
Through the sheer act of avoidance I put a photo of the forrest
On my monitor at home and work
I live vicariously through video
Seeing the world through a small screen
The world I live in may not be ideal
But I choose distance over discomfort.

We must ostracize this land
and nullify the bands of secrecy
to bring back what was forgot
in white picketed fantasies
We share this common bond
an ache within the pond of decency
clawing up the river we seek the words
to explain our helot leniency; Then, ignoring the rational,
abruptly you frighten me
a girl in a forest of feeling
fearing to Be
Should I give all
to this beast you decree
as a shadow of nothing
Yet it cries to me feverently
or shall I call back to it
and seek it as lustily
as you do seek me.

I'm caught by the thought;
The more thet know the less they want
Real is only ideal until its boring
Comfort conflicts with commitmentThe dance of romance eludes me
The function of seduction is a laugh
The lies that we try just to get by
Are temporary temptations at bestI rebel againt the hell of waining interest
The male gaze doesn't grant me worth
I'm not a damsel in distress to be desired
Somehow I will survive these shallowsI may lament my loneliness
But I refute any reference to deference
I will not be less to catch some quarry
Let them play that sick game without me.

Sometimes it's about perspective
What we have vs what we don't
I may not have health, physical or mental
I have never been, or known, the idle rich
But I am smart and employed
I have love that encouraged my voice
I comfort myself with my creativity
Sometimes I have to count my dollars
Be careful in my choosing of supplies
But I have more than one canvas
I have more than one paint
I have more than one brush
My art is my priveledge.